Lacuna

Coal black eyes shift
(like the headlights of a car breaking the sound barrier)

That, combined with cigarette fingertips,
burns holes in my heart. You are my hangover from last night
and the night before,

writing love notes with dirtied tissues
and broken chalk, disconnected imagery the bridge between us.

The bridge is burning.

In disappointment, I pop a few pills,
crowding them in my mouth like flies on a corpse,
swigging whiskey to burn vocal cords
that once caressed your name

(like you were something sweet)

I like this a lot. I love the line about "cigarette finger tips."

I was a little worried when you started with "coal black eyes," though. I was like ugh, this is going to be awful, but I was pleasantly surprised! I've got a couple of suggestions for that line: maybe Kohl rimmed eyes, like that dark eyeliner that's really in lately? (That was what I pictured, anyway.) I'm not sure anyone actually has "black" irises. (Unless you mean a black eye, like a bruise, but they wouldn't be coal black, really. More like ... murky purple. Ew.)

The only other suggestion I have is changing "writing love notes with dirty tissues" to "writing love notes on dirty tissues."

I'm having a hard time believing you're really 13. This deals with mature content in a very mature way. Keep it up!

Meep wrote:I like this a lot. I love the line about "cigarette finger tips."

I was a little worried when you started with "coal black eyes," though. I was like ugh, this is going to be awful, but I was pleasantly surprised! I've got a couple of suggestions for that line: maybe Kohl rimmed eyes, like that dark eyeliner that's really in lately? (That was what I pictured, anyway.) I'm not sure anyone actually has "black" irises. (Unless you mean a black eye, like a bruise, but they wouldn't be coal black, really. More like ... murky purple. Ew.)

The only other suggestion I have is changing "writing love notes with dirty tissues" to "writing love notes on dirty tissues."

I'm having a hard time believing you're really 13. This deals with mature content in a very mature way. Keep it up!

Thanks so much for the comment! Not 13, 14 gosh that's like when people tell me I'm 4' 11" and don't count the extra 1/2 " with it. anyways, thank ya for the comment again so much!!

Hi there! First off, I'd like to say that this has a lot of potential but it does need some improvement.

At first, I was disapointed by a lack of strong imagery but at the same time, I liked what you have, especially the 'flies on a corpse' simile.

Hmmm. This seems rather fragmented in places which seemes to fit the style of the poem but a bit more clarity would be nice and some changes in punctuation would help there. Here's a quick line by line -

Coal black eyes shift [Coal black is a little unoriginal so perhaps change that to something more imaginative.]
(like the headlights of a car breaking the sound barrier) [This line is interesting and I like your use of brackets.]

That, combined with cigarette fingertips,
burns holes in my heart. [Perhaps through my heart?][You are my hangover from last night
and the night before,

writing love notes with dirtied tissues
and broken chalk, disconnected imagery the bridge between us. [You have some lovely imagery here but maybe rephrase it. Something like -

'writing love notes on dirtied tissues
with broken chalk. Disconnected imagery -
the bridge between us.]

The bridge is burning. [This is a good, short sentence that has a lot of impact but perhaps make it even shorter - the bridge burns.]

In disappointment, I pop a few pills,
crowding them in my mouth like flies on a corpse,
swigging whiskey to burn vocal cords
that once caressed your name

(like you were something sweet) [I don't think you should use brackets for this final sentence and perhaps some more imagery here. For example, you could have -

that once caressed your name

as if it were candy in my mouth.]

______________________

Other than that, you could extend it a little more and work on the flow. You have a really good foundation here so keep working on it and I'd love to read any re-writes you do. Nice work!

kitty15 wrote:Hi there! First off, I'd like to say that this has a lot of potential but it does need some improvement.

At first, I was disapointed by a lack of strong imagery but at the same time, I liked what you have, especially the 'flies on a corpse' simile.

Hmmm. This seems rather fragmented in places which seemes to fit the style of the poem but a bit more clarity would be nice and some changes in punctuation would help there. Here's a quick line by line -

Coal black eyes shift [Coal black is a little unoriginal so perhaps change that to something more imaginative.]
(like the headlights of a car breaking the sound barrier) [This line is interesting and I like your use of brackets.]

That, combined with cigarette fingertips,
burns holes in my heart. [Perhaps through my heart?][You are my hangover from last night
and the night before,

writing love notes with dirtied tissues
and broken chalk, disconnected imagery the bridge between us. [You have some lovely imagery here but maybe rephrase it. Something like -

'writing love notes on dirtied tissues
with broken chalk. Disconnected imagery -
the bridge between us.]

The bridge is burning. [This is a good, short sentence that has a lot of impact but perhaps make it even shorter - the bridge burns.]

In disappointment, I pop a few pills,
crowding them in my mouth like flies on a corpse,
swigging whiskey to burn vocal cords
that once caressed your name

(like you were something sweet) [I don't think you should use brackets for this final sentence and perhaps some more imagery here. For example, you could have -

that once caressed your name

as if it were candy in my mouth.]

______________________

Other than that, you could extend it a little more and work on the flow. You have a really good foundation here so keep working on it and I'd love to read any re-writes you do. Nice work!

Thank ya so much for the comment!

No problem and pm me if there's ever anything else you'd like me to read.

How did I not see this until now? Ok, this made my eyes well up! No joke! That never happens!
I really love this. (Though, what's new? I love everything you write.) I don't think I'd put the last line in brackets, and you need a full stop at the end.
This has made my heart too full for me to be very helpful. I'd put a full stop after "barrier". Kitty may have a point about "coal black." I'd try "cinder black", because then you'll have lovely repetition of the "i" sound in that line.
I think you need a word between "imagery" and "bridge", maybe "is", or "like"depending on what you want to say. I love the last three lines of the last verse.
This was, as your work always is, an absolute pleasure to read. Amazing. You really are brilliant.Still waiting for the effects of this to wear off...this hit me really powerfully, I can still feel the pain and the regret storming inside of me...I think I need to go read something happy now...
In conclusion: Wow.

Nice.

I liked all the imagery, it was beautiful--the flies similie was genius! How did you think of that?

"You are my hangover from last night
and the night before, "
I didn't really understand this...explain it please!?!?

"broken chalk, disconnected imagery the bridge between"
"disconnected imagery" is disappointing. "Disconnected" is like two pieces of a puzzle breaking, not like a bridge burning! And why make it a puzzling fragment by adding "the bridge between us" which has no connection wiht the first part of the poem?

I really, really liked the two last stanzas. Amazing.

Great job! PM me if you have any questions!