Ode to a rainy Scene (edited)

The highway is a blur,
rain-washed marker
on a paper one shade lighter
than the road itself.
The hum of life
is surprising to find
in such a dead city,
but every society, I suppose,
has its day.

Muted by the rain,
these normally harsh sounds
are soft and slow,
like summer days
spent lying in the sun.
Ironic how the rain
can bring sunshine to
highway affairs.

Now you're in business!This is more original, and I liked it so much more. I think that free verse suits you better than rhyme.Your imagery is so much better here, and you handle the enjambment with your usual skill.
I'd change the end to "Highway affairs". (No "this.") Other than that, well done.This was a pleasure to read.

WOWOWOW! I liked it!

Two suggestions:

But every society has its day,
I suppose.

Do you really need the "I suppose" in there? Or maybe you should say

But every society, I suppose,
has its day,

Also, you shouldn't capitalize all the first letters, only the ones after a period. It would work better in your poem I think.

This is probably the worst crit I've ever written, because I have no idea what I'm saying. This poem was very, very good, but something was off. The imagery seemed weaker in some spots than others, and the wording seemed very um, well, prose-y. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess just keep working on it, don't let it be finished here.

Sorry for the bad crit.

It's simplistic and beautiful. You're imagery is focused and perfect. I encourage you to direct this talent to unleash words you've longed to use to impact the auidence.

I can't say I liked this as much as gummy, but I'm impressed by your imagery; it's lovely.

The highway is a blur,
rain-washed marker
on a paper one shade lighter
than the road itself.

This is clunky. You might just cut out "than the road itself," leaving it like this:
The highway is a blur,
rain-washed marker
on paper one shade lighter.
I also cut out the "a" before "paper". I think it's unnecessary.

The hum of life

This is a bit of a hackneyed phrase...while an accurate image, it doesn't exactly convey originality.

Muted by the rain,
these normally harsh sounds

That "normally harsh" is also clunky and out of place.

like summer days
spent lying in the sun.

Again, while an accurate image, it's sort of cliched and vague. Try for a more original, specific image that can better appeal to a reader.

Ironic how the rain
can bring sunshine to
highway affairs.

This is telling, rather than showing, and it also seems to be summarizing a bit. I found it a weak ending.

Good work and keep at it!
-Colleen

gadi wrote:WOWOWOW! I liked it!

First of all, let me say that I grin every time I read that

Thanks for all your feedback guys. You're really helping me grow as a poet. I appreciate it so much!!!

~Quippie~

It nice and surprisinly dark. I like the first piece of imagery but the last stanza confused me. It was quite good but it did seem like prose not poetry.
I would like to see more!
(The good thing was it wasn't cliched!)
Charlotte