Winter

The snow fell down upon our town,
Silence in its path.
It left its mark on darkened hearts,
Consumed up in its wrath.
The memories all washed away
Of children pure and true,
Of echoed words upon the cave,
Of sparkling water blue.
And as the winter made its way
Across our silent town,
I took a leap into the dark
And fell all the way down.

First off, you don't need the apostrophe in "it's", as thsi means "it is."You have some nice imagery here, but the rhyme isn't working for you here. It sounds forced, and it's making you contort your syntax.
I liked the internal rhyme of lines one and three, but I would suggest rewriting this without the rhyme and seeing what happens.

The ending surprised me--and for that, I really like this. I was thinking "well this is dull, it's just about snow... oh, wow!" It certainly got better. Although, something about the last line bothered me. I don't know if it was the way it was written, or the length of it.

But then I also want more: what is this dark, and what did you fall into? Is it physical, or emotional?

Also, if you upped the imagery (make me feel the snow!) it would be greater.

The memories all washed away
Of children pure and true,
Of echoed words upon the cave,
Of sparkling water blue.

I read over and this part seems a little odd. i think the memories the snow is washing away should be more significant. Children being washed away seems odd, and the other two are too vague/random. Give the memories more meaning, you know?

Best of luck!

iQuippie--


Everything here is pretty standard descriptions of winter time. If you want to discuss seasonal emotions, find a more interesting set of statements than "snow fell down upon our town"--I think even a five year old could write that.


Best,
Brad

Incandescence wrote: "snow fell down upon our town"--I think even a five year old could write that.

ouch.

I liked the simplicity of it. I thought it was kind of cute.
I can't really make up my mind about the last two lines =S Whether I like them or not. I'm not quite sure. I will get back to you at one point. But the rhythm of the last line seemed a little off =/
I liked the simple rhyming scheme. Some simple poems just seemed amatuerish but this one was cute and child like in a good way (:

Good work.

~Ferris AKA Tara~

It's a very simple piece and I can't help but like it. I liked your rhyming and the rhytm to the poem, as it flowed well and as soon as i hit the fith line, I was hooked fully.

You may want to review some of your punctuation, but other than that, I have no complaints.

Good work.