My Day As A Pen

Take in mind that I was being COMPLETLY random and, no, I'm not on crack! Yes, I am a Democrat. My mom is chiar of the Mathews Democrats.

Anyway, this story is not serious. It's just for some good laughs... I understand it's not very well written, but I wrote it in like the fifth grade. That in mind, ENJOY! Also, be nice when you tear it to shreds!



Today I was a pen. I did many great things until I ran out of ink. So you want to hear my story? Well here you go!

Early this morning I traveled back in time to be a quill pen signing the Declaration of Independence. And the after party! Wow, could that Thomas Jefferson bust a move!! Anyway, you probably don’t care about that! I mean too educational. Right?

Later I traveled to the not to far future where I was the pen writing a letter from Usama bin Ladin. I have translated and copied it to this piece of paper.

You foolish American poopie heads! I will blow up the USA on December 32, 2008! You will all die! Ha! Ha ha!

Love,
Usama bin Ladin

P.S. This letter would be longer if I wasn’t baking cookies. And December 32 IS NOT A TYPO! OKAY!

So that was about my day as a pen. Wait a minute!! The letter I’ve gotta tell the president!!

White House Security was pretty tough. I only got shot 200 times, but that was all it took for me to get in. I dragged my bloody self all the way to the Oval Office. There I found the president, President Bush, playing with his dolls.

“Mrs. I mean Mr. President ma’am I mean sir?” I said.

“Yes. What is it?” he replied. I began to tell him about my travels and about the note.

“He was baking cookies!” Mr. Bush exclaimed.

“Yes ma’am I mean sir!” I answered.

“I love to bake cookies! Write this down. Make another day in December. Call it 32. National Cookie Day!” He said.

“Mr. President, what about the note?” I asked.

“Ah yes! All for the good of the country! Remember how hard it is to put food on your family! Thank you for all your answers!” he replied.

“Mr. Bush you are a disgrace!! Usama is gonna blow up the United States! Do you understand? WE WILL ALL DIE!!” I yelled

“Does that mean I don’t need to care about Social Security?” he asked. I was outta there so fast I was home in nothing flat!!

Usama not only blew up the US, the idiot blew up the earth!! So why am I still sitting here bugging you with this stupid story? I was a pen DUH! Right now I am a moon pen!!! How can you still be alive after Usama blew up the earth? I don’t know! I’m just a pen!

haha Pretty funny

In fact, President Bush seems pretty much like his real self ^_~

Other then a lot of double exclamation points and some grammatical errors, I thought this was funny, and thank goodness there isn't a December 32nd

Good luck with rest of the crits, and good job,

Pros

This was funny and almost acurate.
The previous reviewer summed it up pretty nicely, but I had a few things to add.

The ending is kind of weird. Rearrange some of the sentences. You also seem to be using exclamations excessively. This isn't a good thing. Reword some of the sentences so they don't need an exclamation, and fix the dialogue so it is punctuationally correct.
I also found the following errors:

And the after party

I think you meant " after the party"

Anyway, you probably don’t care about that! I mean too educational. Right?

I didn't really like this sentence, since it's confusingly worded. I suggest changing it to: " Anyway, you probably don't care about that. I mean, too educational, right?

Later I traveled to the not to far future where I was the pen

change it to: " Later I traveled to a point not to far in the future......." you see what I'm saying?

Wait a minute!! The letter I’ve gotta tell the president!!

should be: " Wait a minute! The letter! I've got to tell the president!"
there still are a little too many exclamation marks, but at least it makes sence.

I only got shot 200 times, but that was all it took for me to get in

get rid of the only.

There I found the president, President Bush,

you are repeating yourself here. Maybe change it to:
"There I found President Bush, leader of our country...." something like that.

Remember how hard it is to put food on your family

??????? I'm not sure what you meant, but it is still confusing.

I was a pen DUH! Right now I am a moon pen!!!

You are switching tenses is the same sentence. Maybe change it to:
" I am a pen DUH! Now I am moon pen!"

“Mr. Bush you are a disgrace!! Usama is gonna blow up the United States! Do you understand? WE WILL ALL DIE!!” I yelled

You need a comma after "Bush", and a period after "yelled"
Other than that, I didn't see any typos. I would suggest running a spell check before posting this, or even just putting it on word. That should pick up any grammar or spelling issues.

But other than that, this was pretty good for the fifth grade!
Good Luck!

very funny. You made me imagine Abe break dancing its really funny

The humour's really good, interesting idea! No major problems, although its spelt Osama bin Laden

You made me imagine Abe break dancing its really funny

It was actually Jefferson!

That's okay, I forgive...

Luv,
crewgurl