Hy

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Ok, i wanted to try this out becuase I only ever write about like...normal things? So...what's better than monkey people eh? Creative critisim is greatly welcomed! Oh and Kai's name is going to change...i only just realised that their names rhymed lol!

*************************

Chapter one


The small yellow bird hopped from branch to branch, flicking the green leaves as it did so. It’s head twitched at every sound, yet it kept moving; a spring in it’s step. It’s spindly legs buckled under the sudden weight as the hand around it’s neck became all the more apparent. The boy’s eyes seemed to get wider with happiness as he cupped the small bird in his hand. He watched the bird for a moment, he watched as it thrashed it’s little body around; it’s neck almost twisting a full circle in means of escape. The bird dug it’s beak deep into his hand, desperate to escape, desperate to live. But the boy had no intention of killing the bird. He was simply capturing it for his mother.

It was usual for every house to have at least one brightly coloured bird, it was a sort of tradition of the tree people, the brighter the bird, the better the family. Which is why his mother had sent him off in a wild panic to find a new bird when she found their old one dead in the bottom of it’s cage. It was a bad omen for the bird to die. If the owner of the bird believed that it’s life was almost over it was to be set free. Is anyone found out about their little mishap they would be in a lot of trouble. The yellow canary bird was the bird that represented one of the lower canopy’s of the trees, one of the more common birds in the forest it was the bird of the less wealthy tree inhabitants. The boy let out a small cry as the bird fluttered violently out of his hand. He watched, his green eyes focused towards the canopy’s above as the bird flew as fast as it could upwards. To freedom.


The youth fell clumsily down onto a large branch that was hanging below him. He straddled his thin legs over each side of the wood and began to pick lifelessly at the bark.

“What are you doing?” The boy looked up suddenly to the voice that had spoke. There, up on a higher branch sat his brother fiddling with his monkey like tail that separated the tree inhabitants apart from those that lived on the land. The teen remained silent and turned his attention back to the bark that was wedging itself under his fingernails as he picked at it. “Hy?” his brother snapped at him.

“What?” Hy snapped back angrily. His brother was taken aback by the response. Hy stood up clumsily on the branch, revealing his tail as he did so.

“What’s the matter?”

“I can’t do anything right…that’s why Mum always asks you to do stuff…”
His brother cocked his head in confusion “What do you mean?”

“It’s always ‘Kai did this for me, Kai did that’…she asked me to catch a new bird today…”

“Oh…” Kai sighed carefully hoping branches across to his sulking brother “Want me to help?”

“It’s impossible…they wriggle and bite and ergh…” Hy whined pathetically.
Kai laughed, his hand brushing his shoulder length brown hair away from his face “No it isn’t, how do you think we caught the one before, hmm?” His placed his hands on his hips and leant closer towards his younger sibling “Creep up on it and cup it in both hands…like this,” He demonstrated the plan of action. Hy fell lazily back onto the branch beneath him, his blonde curled hair wrapped slightly across his neck as he did so. Kai gently kicked his brother on the leg and made his way to a clearing in the above canopy. Hy watched as his brothers slender body coiled cleverly around branches before he turned and beckoned his brother to follow.
Bag.

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Well, it was good, I must say. There are a few problems I noticed, though:

1) I was quite confused when you mentioned his brother having a tail. I thought they'd be just like ordinary people. Maybe you could explain what the boy looked like when he caught the bird?

2) There were a few typos.

3) It seemed a bit dull in places. Maybe you should explain the area around them to give it a more exciting aura.

Overall, though, it was pretty good. Hopefully, I'll read the next part.




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It was usual for every house to have at least one brightly coloured bird, it was a sort of tradition of the tree people, the brighter the bird, the better the family. Which is why his mother had sent him off in a wild panic to find a new bird when she found their old one dead in the bottom of it’s cage. It was a bad omen for the bird to die. If the owner of the bird believed that it’s life was almost over it was to be set free. Is anyone found out about their little mishap they would be in a lot of trouble. The yellow canary bird was the bird that represented one of the lower canopy’s of the trees, one of the more common birds in the forest it was the bird of the less wealthy tree inhabitants.


There's so much telling here.

I agree ^^ about the tails thing, I was really surprised. Try describing the tree-people. Are they just humans with tails?

Overall, it's pretty OK, and I look forward to seeing the next chapter. :D
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

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Thankyou both for taking your time to read and comment this!

It's my first time at writing fantasy so I wasn't sure how my 'fantasy people' should look like. Mayve I could change the opening to like explain their lives or something, maybe use it as a prologue?

So yes I shall work on more description of the tree people, in the next chapter I have explained their houses and things so I won't cover that in the first chapter.

Hope you both read the next part!

thanks again
Meevs
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Mayve I could change the opening to like explain their lives or something, maybe use it as a prologue?


Yeah, that would be good. But don't make it too boring, make their lifestyle unusual, and stuff. I think it would be a good idea if you end the prologue with an introduction of the main character, whether its Hy or Kai.

Keep writing, you're good! :D
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




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I'll read the next part. I'm curious about these "tree people". :)
My imaginary friend says you have serious problems.

topic19119.html I'd appreciate it if you could crit my novel. Thanks.




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Hey Meevs, sorry it took me so long!!!!

OK. This was a fab attempt as I know you don't 'do' fantasy. I did like it and I think you're writing was more structured than it has been in the past.

[s]Is[/s] anyone found out about their little mishap they would be in a lot of trouble.

*If
I think maybe the word trouble isn't quite right. Perhaps expand on it and say that it would create a stir among their people or something more superstitious. Trouble sounds like it's against the law rather than something people would gossip about.

The boy looked up suddenly to the voice that had spoke

*Spoken

Overall I think this was good but should be a prologue rather than chapter one. It's shortness and the action is suitable to a prologue.

Keep it up and pm me when you post more.
Alainna
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I quite liked the world you've begun to set up; it's very Hollywood. I would like to point out that a little more attention should be paid to your formatting--there's quite a few misspellings and formatting problems in regards to the spaces. Also, remember "it's" refers to "it is," and that "its" is a possessive term.

The honesty Hy possesses is quite refreshing; either he's young or he's extremely uninhibited. The contrast to the usual hesitancy of people today to be completely honest about their emotions is nice, but be careful that it doesn't become unrealistic.
I see no difference in race, color, religion, or sexual orientation. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who accept others unlike themselves, and those who do not.

Which are you?



If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb