An Arrival [For Suzanne]

An Arrival - A Poetic Freewrite: 21 August, 2007



What started as an inconvenience -
A week-long stay in a house at the edge of nowhere special -
At some point became a torment,
The shattered edge of a mirror whose silver you avoid
Because you know a reflection can only give so much:
A roiling sky and below, the silken seduction of black water;
Your face, obscured in the shadows of pixels too large and spread too thin.
The fumes of your dreams sink in the dark while no one remembers to ask,
"So how are things? I heard they've been rough."
And you, you carry on with your head held high, feigning pride.
Always in the process of going somewhere and getting nowhere,
You linger, a dark Poet at the edge of nowhere special,
And wait to arrive.

What started as a promise,
A late-night joke born out of a distinct desire to be loved,
Now propels you onward, towards a mirror intact
Where you can finally see your own beauty of soul in the glass.
In a letter that wasn't sent I told you that change is painful,
But not the sea-anchor that drags you back to Start - a sail,
Something to carry you across the black water when even the jokes fall flat,
When no one asks and no one stops or cares to wonder,
"What ever became of that Poet? I don't remember her leaving."
And you, mein Morgenstern, you will carry on, ever-strongly, ever-beautifully,
To the edge, going somewhere and getting somewhere, at last
You will have light to guide you on that walk to nowhere, and I will walk with you
To a place where you will have nothing left to feign or hide,
And then - deep breath - you'll have arrived.




--

For Suzanne.

Gah.


I hate when you make me cry. *stabs*


Though, a thank you a million times over. ^_~ We can feign for now, ja?

EDIT: Oh, I forgot to say xD I love the several "inside jokes" (or what could you call them?) that you placed in. Our "things".

---reedit: So, I keep reading it and noticing more things that I can actually comment on rather than blather xD The visuals of a mirror, it continues throughout, and it's beautiful. The poem flows wonderfully, and it's amazing. Of course, I'm terribly biased ^^' *rambles*

*stands in wonder*
*sniffs, wipes tear*
*stands in more wonder*

Amazing, darling. It's really not fair that you can be so awesome at prose, and then churn something like this out as well. Incredible, love.

very nice.

rhythym and all, but good none the less.

I really enjoyed reading this. It was beautifully touching and tangible as well. I think I recognized some dark/watery images from a poem of Clau's?

To the edge, getting somewhere and going somewhere. At last,

I really found very little to critique in the poem0. In this line, however, I think the "going" and the "getting" should be interchanged -- it makes sense to go before you can get, yes?

Another thing I noticed was the every line but two ends in some type of punctuation. It works here, but in future poems you might want to try to play with enjambments a little more. Linebreaks are a resource that is often overlooked or underestimated, and they can be important to making a point or emphasizing certain words or ideas.

This is a really beautiful poem, Dreamy. Now I must see poetry from you up more often.

Until next time,
Skye

Till: What's this? I write you poetry and you stab me? Haha, well in any event, your letter had me down, and I could think of no better way to send you encouragement than via a poem full of inside references and black water/mirror symbolism. ^_~ Much liebe.


Gyr: Aw, thank you so much. You're entirely too kind, my crazy bird.


Pros: Merci, ma frere.


Skye: Your comments are very much appreciated, and I mean that with the utmost sincerity. I edited the 'going-getting' line; I was trying to echo the first stanza, but you do have a very valid point and I think it reads better revised. Thanks very much for the thoughts on punctucation and line breaks, also. Ach, but I'm no poet. Just a rambling writer of prose who's dodging work on the Chair as usual. ^_^


Thanks very much, all.


Dreamy.

Nice.

Okay, I started this and thought: It sounds good, but what is the meaning? What does it say? I mean, behind all the words, does it have anything?

But then, when hope popped up towards the end, I found this poem to be uplifting, touching, personal, and very inspiring.

I saw that I was too dumb to understand this much depth in poetry.

Excellent!

Thank you so very much, Gadi.

I saw that I was too dumb to understand this much depth in poetry.

... I notice that when I try to be deep, people say "Oh, that was just terrible", and when I just write and ignore potential depth, people say "Wow, that was deep." One of those unexplained oddities in life. ^_~

In any event, you don't come across as unintelligent in the slightest. I think the vague impression of the meaning behind the poem is just a symptom of distance from it - the problem, I think, with writing poetry for an audience of one, and then having others read it.

Anyway, thank you very much your comment. It was very kind of you, and I appreciate your words endlessly.

Wow, this was amazing. Beautifully, beautifully written. Though, in the fifth last line, did you mean to say "And you?"
I love it. Your language was beautiful, and this was just something very special.

Jasmine Hart wrote:Though, in the fifth last line, did you mean to say "And you?"

Eep. So I did - sorry about that.
Glad you caught it; I've read over this about thirty times now and I never even noticed it. ^_~ Edited.

Thanks much, Jasmine. Words like that are enough to keep me smiling for the whole day. ^_^

This was so, so good. I have no idea where you get off saying that I am inspiring when really it is you, my friend, who have the upper hand in terms of talent.

The edge of a mirror and black water -- both reflections -- paired with the edge of the world, sailing, and the whole concept of "arriving:" these are all truly beautiful images. The poem, for me, is about a girl imprisoned, maybe at her own fault, by insecurities and flaws. But the poet sees otherwise. It is an eloquent, gorgeously crafted message of hope.

My only problems are with the first stanza. Do you realize the first six lines are one sentence? While I pride myself on the fact that I am liberal as the day is long in terms of punctuation (and thus have a high tolerance for anything not correctly punctuated), I had some real difficulty fighting through those first lines. This is the tragedy of reading such beautiful poetry: one should not have to fight to get through. When you fail to punctuate in a way that makes your message clear for a reader, you are not only disrespecting the reader, but you are harming yourself and your own work as well.

Here is how I would recommend revising:

What started as an inconvenience,
A week-long stay in a house at the edge of nowhere special,
At some point became a torment.
The shattered edge of a mirror whose silver you avoid
(Because you know a reflection can only give so much),
A roiling sky and below, the silken seduction of black water:
Your face, obscured in the shadows of pixels too large and spread too thin.

I am kind of hesitant to recommend the parenthesis. The more I think about it, however, I think they work really well there. They take a break in the thought, offer explanation, and really highlight what it is about the girl that makes her special. Of course, it is ultimately up to you.

Still, those lines after the word "torment," even after punctuation revisions -- they still read bulkily to me. I think it might be because there is no action verb. I mean, yeah, there's "avoid," but it's just contributing to the girl and the mirror -- it's not actually progressing the entire sentence. When you boil the lines down (I mean, strip them of their flowery imagery,) it's like they're saying:

The mirror you avoid,
(Because you know a reflection can only give so much),
A roiling sky and below, black water:
Your face, obscured and spread too thin.

Does that make sense? I would recommend adding a verb in there that makes it read more cohesively. For instance, you could say something like: the mirror and black water obscure your face, spread it so thin. (But you'd say it much more eloquently than that, of course.)

If you want to talk about this part further, please don't hesitate to respond in this thread, or send a PM or IM -- I am always interested in helping other writers. Or if you just want to defend your poem and say I'm wrong, by all means, that's fine too.

And I'm thinking the final stanza is pretty much perfect. I think this poem is well done, but at the same time, I hate to see such a strong piece corrupted by weaknesses in the first six lines.

Best of luck,
Lyndsey

Just looking through your portfolio, found this again.

Shai, I still love it, you know, just had to pop in and give it a gold star. Question: may I show this to people? I mean obviously I'd cite you as author, but I know a few people this might really apply to.

Also, as I didn't comment much last time, a few brief things:

the mirror image was fantastic, especially it's early inadequacy
I love the parallelism between the opening lines of the stanzas

What a beautiful piece of work! I have absolutely nothing to say now...it's so nice....*rereads poem*
Good job!

Lyndsey: I would say that you're clearly and vastly mistaken our concerning our comparative levels of writerly talent, but I think my motives would be mistaken for a relentless sort of self-deprecation. Nothing of the kind, I assure you - but if I can inspire you half as much as you inspire me, then perhaps we've hit the jackpot of mutual admiration. ^_^

I understand what you mean about the first stanza, and I agree with you completely. Reading over it again, I can see that it is a bit rambly and bulky in spots. I have this propensity towards run-ons, and I'm glad you've pointed out what I've missed, in that regard. I've hardly got any time, at the moment - cleaning day - but I'll be sure to head back to this and make some revisions upon your suggestions. (And you may yet get that random, perplexed PM in the midst of the fray, haha.) Thank you so much for the time, the thorough critique and the compliments; they mean a lot to me.


Amy: Did I mention that you're sweet? Of course you may show it to whomever you like, my dear bird - there is no better honor for a writer than to hear (or, in this case, read) that inquiry. Though, if you keep posting in my forum threads, I won't be able to fit a sweater over my giant and ever-inflating head...


Lil Pau: I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for commenting. ^_^

What started as an inconvenience -
A week-long stay in a house at the edge of nowhere special -
At some point became a torment,
The shattered edge of a mirror whose silver you avoid
Because you know a reflection can only give so much:
A roiling sky and below, the silken seduction of black water;
Your face, obscured in the shadows of pixels too large and spread too thin.
The fumes of your dreams sink in the dark while no one remembers to ask,
"So how are things? I heard they've been rough."
And you, you carry on with your head held high, feigning pride.
Always in the process of going somewhere and getting nowhere,
You linger, a dark Poet at the edge of nowhere special,
And wait to arrive.

What started as a promise,
A late-night joke born out of a distinct desire to be loved,
Now propels you onward, towards a mirror intact
Where you can finally see your own beauty of soul in the glass.
In a letter that wasn't sent I told you that change is painful,
But not the sea-anchor that drags you back to Start - a sail,
Something to carry you across the black water when even the jokes fall flat,
When no one asks and no one stops or cares to wonder,
"What ever became of that Poet? I don't remember her leaving."
And you, mein Morgenstern, you will carry on, ever-strongly, ever-beautifully,
To the edge, going somewhere and getting somewhere, at last
You will have light to guide you on that walk to nowhere, and I will walk with you
To a place where you will have nothing left to feign or hide,
And then - deep breath - you'll have arrived.

Wow.
So perfect.
That poem had no imperfections what so ever. You were very matter-of-fact, but pretty descriptive at the same time. You're a really good poet!
KEEP WRITNG!