Real Beauty

Real Beauty

On the outside,
She is plain.
The boys don’t stare.
The girls ignore her.
She is plain.

On the inside,
She is sane.
She listens not
To those who mock.
She is sane.

On the outside,
She is shy.
Her feet are her
Only friend.
She is shy.

On the inside,
She is bold.
Her mind is filled
With tales of adventure.
She is bold.

On the outside,
She is there.
Just observing.
And standing.
She is there.

On the inside,
She is beautiful.
Her heart is gold.
Her soul is pure.
That is real beauty.

Hmmm...

I really liked this. It was a very good idea, because so often nowadays people concentrate on what people look like, and not what they really are like. I know so many people who are like this; wonderful people, but they are ignored or scorned because they aren't beautiful or confident or witty.

As far as the form goes, I like the way you did contrasting inside and outside, and things...I don't really know that much about poetry forms, so you'll have to ask somebody else to help you there. I know, however, that you broke out of it on the last verse.

On the inside,
She is beautiful.
Her heart is gold.
Her soul is pure.
That is real beauty.

This is a really beautiful last line, with wonderful words like 'gold' and 'pure' to really emphasize your pont. However, the last line breaks out of your regular pattern. Perhaps you should say 'She is beautiful.' instead of 'That is real beauty."

If you really want to put 'real beauty' in there, perhaps add a line, sort of like a closure, after the whole poem is done. Finish your last verse, then space down and say "That is real beauty."

Just a suggestion.

Also, one verse that really didn't do anything for me was:

On the inside,
She is sane.
She listens not
To those who mock.
She is sane.

I just didn't like the 'sane' word. It's hard to explain, but this seemed the least poetic of the verses, to me. Also the phrasing in 'she listens not to those who mock' is a little funny. You're not doing any rhyming here, so it seems like you should rephrase it a little more. You're not using that kind of 'she does not what she thinks she does' or 'She thinks not what he thinks' or anything like that, so the phrasing just breaks out of the mold.

If that makes any sense [i]at all[i],I would be hugely surprised. Sorry.


Lovely poem! I liked it.

Au revoir...

~Mademoiselle Kool

I don't mean any offense here, but this poem is a train wreck. Roughly 3/4 fourths of your lines are repeated over and over. Repetition is a poetic device, but you have to use it carefully and sparingly.

My advice to you, if you really want to write good poetry, is to read it. Read everything, and definitely not just poems you can find on websites such as this one. Read real, published poets. Study them. Figure out what makes their poetry work, what appeal they have, why they do things how they do. Then you can begin to implement what you have learned in your own poetry.

I wish you the best of luck.

Until next time,
Skye

I like the line

Her feet are her
Only friend.

Much of the rest of the poem was unoriginal, but that line was quite nice.

What you need here are some more interesting words. Poetry is all about the refinement of language, the careful decisions that go into every word choice. It's a nice beginning (not too original, but at least there's some structure - though the repetition of the beginning and end lines as well as the repetition of the back and forth inside/outside thing is definitely too much repetition) and I'd encourage you to keep working on it. Remember poems are sculpted, crafted, molded into shape - in short, worked on. Look for interesting words, creative styles, new forms you can use to develop your ideas (you have a nice idea here). And yes, read, read, read poetry-it's the best thing you can do to improve.

This poem was well thought out, and you ideas progressed, they weren't just pre-formulated. Keep it up - I look forward to reading your next one!

I liked it. Though it did repeat a lot of things. I liked how you talked about what the person is like and not what they look.

Good job!

Keep writing!
~Loz

This really didn't do much for me. The message wasn't a new one. It's true that our society is mostly a visual one, but the idea of "inner beauty" is hardly new, and I don't think you did a particularly good job of expressing it. I can't put my finger on it, there was just something lacking.

The repetition also didn't help. It was too much.

I'm also thinking that you tried for structure, but didn't quite achieve it. You've got the structure of each verse, but I don't know if you counted syllables or wanted to rhyme or anything like that. I'm a free-verse poet, though, so I'm not sure.

If this is a theme you want to keep working with, try telling more of a story. Pick a point of view: are you writing from her point of view? If so, what does she think of being plain on the outside and fantastic on the inside? Is she proud? Is she jealous of the other girls, or does she scorn them for having only outer beauty? What adventures does she have in her imagination? Are they fantasies where she's beautiful and everyone loves her, or is she herself, saving the world or something else entirely? Does she express that, through art or writing or something, or does she keep it to herself?
Or maybe you can write it from the other people's point of view. Does everyone mock her? Or do they leave her alone, knowing that she's busy being creative? Maybe someone secretly admires her inner beauty, but is too shy to say? Maybe the poem, then, can be what they think. That might be a more original take on it.

Thank you for your critisism. I realize this poem is quite amature, but I am not an extreemly skilled author, nor do I have enough expierence in poetry to write something satisfying to most readers. I've only taken two Creative Writing classes because, in my town, the budget won't allow young writers to expand on their craft. It's just not important enough to them. I just write because I love books and writing. Writing is my life, essentially. It's what I want to do with the rest of it, anyway.
This poem was about the contrast between how I feel people see me as and who I really am. Your comments help me become a better writer, and I greatly appreciate them! Thanks!!!!

crewgurl

The greatest problem was this is that all you did was tell.


But that's all I'm going to say. ^_~ Because, I'm sure someone else has said that and expanded on it. Now, I'm going to focus on what you just said: You're amateur. There is a lot you can do to improve that.

Read more poetry, for one. Reading poetry will help you to see what other poets do, and you can try to learn to immolate them in your own way. Even if you just read some poems on this board, we have a lot of good poets out there (Incandescence, Fand, Caligulas_Lauderette, Whence) read the poems, and read the critiques. What do people like or dislike? What do you like or dislike about the poem? Poetry is hard. I'm still not sure if I'm good at it, because even if you know what makes a good poem, that doesn't mean you can write it!

A book you might want to get is The Complete Idiots Guide to Writing Poetry, but no, that isn't an insult. I just picked this book up last week, and I've gone a bit through it. It's even helped me out! And for someone really new to the craft, I'm sure it will be amazing.

Just give it time, everyone starts somewhere, you know?

Best of luck!

This poem was an exercise in cliche and repetition.

Scrap it and start over.

Cheers.

Thank you. I appreciate the monkey doo you throw! (Kidding! Your advice is extremely helpful!)

Luves yus!

crewgurl

P.S. garawraraw!

A little cliched but I like the concept. (Not that I know much about poems.) It is a good idea. So just add some description (show don't tell) and make the characters more unique and keep editing.
Sorry I can't be more help ful!
Bye!
Charlotte

wow thats okay. this reminded me: a long time ago, i wrote a poem, and i think it got into the newspaper. i think i'll post it

The narrator of the poem actually seems pretty biased. He's pointing out all these shallow things and then he points out to us that, lo, her heart is gold.

But that's where it gets kind of shaky. We get a general description of who she is and, like it or not, we start to get a feeling of her character. To me, she seems shy, softspoken, but with a great imagination. To me, this is slightly freaky because this means that she might possibly be a sociopath or something... someone who cannot connect. Because, if she were really that great and everything, then why wouldn't she let herself go, at least a little bit? And it looks like, when she does go, she'll explode.

Does this make sense?

So when you tell us at the end that, oh, she's really a great girl, etc., it doesn't really add up for me because, from what you've told us, she isn't really... that special.

Instead of telling us what her shallow qualities are at first and then telling us that she's great, you have to prove to us. Why is she good? Only then will it stand on its own.

This poem is about me and how I feel some people see me. I wrote it while I was doing crew (rowing), because I felt like I didn't belong there. And also because of this girl Emily, who used to be my friend. In truth, she's hiding little devil horns behind that halo of hers! Anyway, this was just a poem to explain my true self, the self that no one really knows, because I never let them see. No, I'm not a sociopath. I wrote this, because I felt like I was just there. That no one wanted me around. That's all.

I liked it.