Ay de mi! Don't get on the defensive before you begin. This is a lovely poem and, just because we might want to move words around doesn't mean we hate it.
I like this because I see an ocean at sunset, and that's a pretty image to see. Because you use the word "water" and "birds" that's what came up to mind, though someone else could see a lake or possibly even a river with gold dust
To make this more effective, you might want to consider making it more specific. What kind of bird is it? What kind of body of water is it? By being more specific, it will also create more imagery, which will make the reader more in love with the poem.
I would delete this part:
I was there
I saw it all
I mean, in a way, I do like it, because it reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five, but still. Brevity is the soul of wit, and I think it would be a better transition without it.
I would also combine The and Earth and I, if I were you.
Anyway, I like pretty description, so I might also strew in more pretty description towards the end. But it's your call.
Anyway, there you go.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
For one glorious instant the earth stood still.
Setting sun above the water
Birds among the painted clouds
Sand—hidden gold along the shoreline.
I was there; I saw it all
And for one incredible moment
I flew up to join the birds
And sky, the sun
And the wind.
And then
The Earth
and I
Became one.
Interesting poem, I like it. It's almost weird, that's a lot like my writing style.
I would probably combine some lines like I did above though. To me, it flows better if the lines have a steady decline in syllables rather that jumping around a little. It just makes it flow better to me.
I'm really picky about my line breaks. That's just me though. Other than that, I loved the poem. It's really spiritual.
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I spend a lot of my time trying to write successful nature poetry and you've got it. But when I write about the world, I find that sometimes sight alone isn't good enough. Try adding the smells and sounds and tastes and feelings, like the pleasant grit of sand beneath your feet and so on. But if you choose to listen to my suggestion, be sure to keep to the rather abstract tone you were using before, not singling out any one thing for too long.
Again, this is lovely work.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
Hmm.. This poem made me think for a while at whether I liked it or not. It's a tough one.
But I came to the conclusion I did, in fact, like it. Your imagary is great and it made me feel as though I was experiencing it along with the poem.
But I must say, I wasn't too keen on the structure of the poem. But, my rule is that people shouldn't have to stick to other people's templates and borders, and should instead create their own style.
I liked the poem, but there is always something to fix. That's see what we got here.
1.) I would add a little more depth to your poem like Snoink said. I can picture what you're saying, but it's all very vague.
2.) When you do that it would do well for you to add a bit more punctuation to the poem. It will show where you wish to show breaks and pauses in the poem.
3.) You need a transition in my opinion. One moment you're talking about flying in the sky and the next thing we know you're one with the earth. Don't be afraid to show us how all this happens
I hope I helped because I'm still learning myself.
I liked how the verses went from long to short. The words themselves weren't anything new, try to incorporate the meaning of your title more to make it unique.
Wow I thought this was so beautiful and artistic.
I really felt as if I was there, watching the sunset. You captured the moment fantastically. It flowed really well and I loved how the verse moved from long to short lines.
I don't think there is anything you should change about it. I loved it.
Although I didn't understand quite why it was called heartbeat?
“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.”
Hey now, we're not that mean. Give us some credit.
You have some lovely imagery here, considering the length and sparseness of the words. I agree with Snoink - maybe being a touch more specific would help in some places. Also, I think that "The Earth and I" would be nice as one line.
Over all, I really liked it. It reminded me of the end of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho - have you ever read it? From what I see in this poem, you might like it.
"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." - G. B. Shaw Lynlyn's Magical Critique Emporium - request a review here.
