The Little Voice

The Little Voice

It’s been over five months by now,
I want to fill up the pages. But how?
I need to write a poem, at least a little rhyme,
But my mind won’t speak; it’s doing a dumb mime.

Flipping through blank pages, that I need to fill,
A thought haunts me, against my weak will.
A twisted little voice, in my head it screams,
‘The time has now come to rip up your dreams!’

I try to shake it off, but it will not budge.
I cry, ‘Please go away, what is your grudge?’
The little voice lets out a laugh, a cold, cold one,
‘Believe me, you silly girl, your writing days are done!’

I draw out a pen and a blank blue page,
‘Watch me as I write,’ I shout out in rage.
But the page remains blank. The pen remains still,
The little voice, it mocks at me, ‘That sure is some skill!’

Moments pass by, I try and I try,
But my mind is still, it’s numb and it’s dry.
Where are my words? Are they lost?
Where are my thoughts? Did they exhaust?

The little voice smirks and says, ‘Hard isn’t it?
When the candle won’t burn, although it’s lit?
Listen to me, I tell the truth, though it isn’t much,
All I want to say is that—you’ve lost your touch.

‘If you’re out of paper, you can use your shirt.
If you’re out of ink, you can etch on dirt.
But when you’re out of thoughts, where will you go?
Thoughts are not for sale, are they? O, no!’

‘When I’m out of thoughts,’ said I
‘I will wait for them, not cry.
I know my thoughts will return to me.
So go back! Who invited you for tea?’

Saying so, I fill up the entire blue page.
Seeing so, the little voice, screams in rage.
I smile at my work. I smile yet again.
The little voice keeps screaming, as if in pain.


Where have you fled to, you little voice?
Far away it must be, you had no choice.
Finally a poem! I pat my little head.
Which one is it? It’s the one you’ve just read.

******

13th August, 2007

I loved this! You're rhyming structure and humor reminds me very much of a Dr. Seuss story. How you chose to structure your poem works incredibly well. Indeed, none of it even sounds forced. That is, instead of the rhmying sounded contrived, it actually supported and flowed along with the poem. Excellent, truly excellent.

But even the greatest poem has its flaws

All I want to say is that—you’ve lost your touch.

The hyphen interrupts the general flow of the poem. By introducing a pause into a place where in prior lines there was none, you bring the reader to what feels to be a very unnatural pause. It interrupted the poem for me and temporarily broke me away.

The little voice keeps screaming, as if in pain.

The "as if in pain," is redundant. We already can tell it's in pain from the screaming part. But taking it away interrupts the flow of the poem, so it has to be reworded in some way. Perhaps, "The little voice keeps screaming as it dies away"?

This is a rather excellent poem and it's a shame no one has reviewed it before me. It's a gem.

This was really, really good to read!

Though, I liked it up until the rhyming started to seem forced, here for example:

‘When I’m out of thoughts,’ said I
‘I will wait for them, not cry.
I know my thoughts will return to me.
So go back! Who invited you for tea?’

That last line just seems really, really forced. You're trying so hard to rhyme, that it makes the lines seem silly.

I also think if you went through and added more rhythm to it, because in places the syllables are off and it makes it sound odd, it would help.

I did like this a lot, up until the stanza I quoted. It was wonderful, completely--and I usually hate poems about writing.

Keep it up! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

I love this Sohini! A very unique twist on the 'I'm writing a poem about writing a poem' theme. In fact, I didn't even realise that was what you was doing at first because I was so caught up in your words. I love how easy it is to relate to as well. I mean, what writer hasn't experienced this fierce, self doubt? As for constructive criticism...

I think I agree that more rhythm would be good. In fact, this poem would easily lend itself to an AABB CCDD EEFF... rhythm. Here's an example of how you could change the first verse -

It’s been over five months by now,
I want to fill up the pages. But how? [This could easily be made smoother by either lengthening the first line or shortening the second like

'It must have been more than five months by now.
I want to fill the pages up; but how?]
I need to write a poem, at least a little rhyme,
But my mind won’t speak; it’s doing a dumb mime. [The last part of this last line seems a bit forced. Perhaps 'But my mind wont speak to me; I'm almost out of time.' ]

Other than that, another thing I noticed is this line -

Thoughts are not for sale, are they? O, no!’

[I think it might be better if you use 'Oh' rather than 'O']

Also, I'm not sure about the double spacing before the final stanza. I don't think it's really needed.

Overall, a great poem and I really liked it! If you decide to add to the rhythm or make any changes at all, then let me know because I'd love to read a re-write.

Thanx all!!

All your suggestions are really valuable.

Oh!!!!! I love it! Wonderful rhythm, lovely choice of words and enchanting story!
loved the ending!
Charlotte

Haha, I haven't got much to say except that this was awesome. Loved the ending as well.

Haha! This was so great! Sometimes I feel the exact same way when writing. I'm guessing that is your inner editor screaming at you. I wish that I could just lock away mine sometimes. Love the rhyming and rhythm. It flowed very well and I was impressed. I thought this poem was going to be boring and that the longness of it would make it, well, too long. But in order to get all those thoughts out, it had to be long. I really did love this poem. Great job!

Becca

your so great!!!!!i was like WHOA!!!!!

how did you do that?so awesome!!!

i love writing poems too the only problem

is that everytime i write a poem it always

sucks...i cant think of the right word to

choose and how to make each line more

worthy to read..hope you can help me with some

of my problems in writing an inspiring poem like this....

keep it up....


PS.dont forget to PM me
on how you made this

It’s been over five months by now,
I want to fill up the pages. But how?
I need to write a poem, at least a little rhyme,
But my mind won’t speak; it’s doing a dumb mime.