Thoughts

Thoughts

There are some things.
There are others.
Dreading the next day,
Waiting for the time
When the world will
Stop.
My thoughts continue.
Leaving me worried,
Is one thing another?
Or the other way
Around?
Thoughts taking over
My feelings and life.
Can or Cannot
Live normally
With thoughts.

I liked the way you cut off the sentences. It made sense to me where and how you cut. The ninth, tenth and eleventh line I didn't care for totally but I like the rest, I can relate to it.

~[~Lupe~]~

The sentences are short and a little bit too cut off. It doesn't make sense to the reader because the poem really says nothing except that the narrator's thoughts are too confusing to use proper English.

What makes this narrator unique (or the same?) as everyone else, and how can you express this in a way that is unique and interesting to the readers? Remember, everybody (even poetry-enthusiasts) love stories and, if you could combine a story in this poem that helps us relate to the narrator better, that would be wonderful.

Anyway, poetry is essentially an exercise of creativity, but I'm sure you're up to the challenge. ^_^ Keep at it!

Thank you for the advice.

I really liked it. It was somehow unlike any other peotry I've read on this site and I really liked it. (I've siad that before. *Head/Desk*) It made you think but was simple at the same time. I also liked the cut-off sentances, it gave it... Something... Sorry...

~Pol~

Apart from the last three lines(they honestly just didn't fit) this poem was great.
I like the cut off sentences, it gave it someone, what I'm not sure. I like you're idea for this poem. It was really simple and general. It didn't explain what the narrator's thoughts were it just told they had a lot and described them but kept them still very general.

I think you need to work on the last three lines or just take them out completely but apart from that brilliant(:

~Ferris AKA Tara~

thanks

*shrugs apathetically* I'm afraid to say that the only thing I thought while reading this was, "God, I wish I hadn't chosen this one as the first critique of the day..." I hate starting out on a bad foot. And I'm afraid that that's all this is.

Now, it's not bad per se. But it's not good by a longshot. Where's the creativity? I've seen dozens of poems just like this, and it strikes me as awfully vague and self-pitying. Trademark amateur, that. Also, the way the sentences were cut off makes the reader's inner tongue fumble over it--and you want the poem to read smoothly, to flow. Otherwise, it'll just distract the reader from the words and the message (which is what you want them to focus on). There was basically no imagery, either--and poetry is built on images.

Better luck next time.

I'm sorry, but BITE ME!!!!

Hisssss!

[quote="Poltergiest"]It made you think but was simple at the same time.[quote]

i find that as a great way to explain this poem.

Thank you for your critisism. It helps us all become better writers.

hearts and kisses!

crewgurl