Crescent Part One

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“Mommy! Daddy!’ I cried, my little toddler legs pumping as I ran from upstairs into the lavishly furnished living room. The scent of fresh blood poisoned the air.

There they lay, my mother and father, side by side. Dead. A dark, sinister figure stood over my parents’ still corpses. He turned around and faced me.

“Well, hello there, little one.” His skin was deathly pale and his eyes were piercing amber. He grinned revealing two rows of pearl white teeth.

“Ahhh!” I ran out of the living room and into the hall. I desperately searched for the door, my dark brown bangs in my eyes.

“Ah, so the child wants to play a little game,” said the vampire. “Come now, child, I won’t hurt you. I just want your blood, that’s all.”

“No!” I shouted. I flew through the back door and into the yard. My heart was beating louder and louder as the vampire gained up on me. “Help!

Help me! Please!”

“Hush, child,” he said. His voice was velvety smooth with a sinister air about it. “There shall be none of that!”

He came closer. My back was to the fence.

“Help!” I whispered in a futile attempt.

“Ha! Ha! Ha!” he laughed.


Then I woke. My Aunt Kari was in the driver’s seat of our old Ford.

“Emma? You okay?” she asked.

“What?” I responded.

“Are you alright? You’re whiter than a sheet!”

“I was having the dream.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” I looked out the window. We passed a blue sign that read ‘Welcome to Mathews County’. The Virginia countryside flew by as we sped down route 14.

“So. Are you sure about this?” Aunt Kari asked. “I mean why do you want to come back here?”

“I just have to. You know what the will said! It was what my parents wanted.” I responded simply.

“Okay.” She took a deep breath and sighed.

Fifteen minutes later, we pulled up to the old-style farmhouse. I immediately remembered it from when I was three. Everything was the same, right down to the blue shutters on the windows.

I’m here again. Oh god, I’m here again.

“Are you sure you want to –?” Aunt Kari said as she opened her door.

“Yeah, I want to do this. I can’t run from the past forever,” I said as I got out of the truck. But my past is why I’m here. It’s been over thirteen years since I last saw this place, since the accident. I rubbed the crescent shaped scar on my neck. Everything will be okay.

I followed Aunt Kari up the brick walkway. The yard was in some disrepair with weeds up to the middle of my shins, but it was otherwise unchanged. Even that fence was untouched except for a bit of rust. I shuddered at the thought of what happened at that fence. We reached the screened-in porch. The blue paint on the floor was as chipped as the black nail polish that I’d been wearing for the past two weeks.

We walked through the front door and into the foyer. I flipped the switch next to the door. Light flooded the hall from a ceiling fan. The hard wood floor was in pristine condition, though it was scratched in some places.

I probably took my first steps right in this very spot! I thought as I followed Aunt Kari into the living room.

“Roomy, don’t you think?” she said.

“Yup,” I responded. “Home, sweet home.”

“Emma, you don’t have to keep it,” said my aunt, all of a sudden serious. “They left it to you, but you don’t have to live here.”

“Aunt Kari, my parents wanted me to keep it. The attack was so long ago. I’m fine with living here!”

“As long as you’re sure.”

“I’m going upstairs, okay?”

“Sure, whatever you want.”

The stairs groaned with each step I took. When I reached the top, I turned on the light. I walked to the third door on the left; my old room. I traced the intricate flower and leaf design that was carved into the door. I turned the knob. The door gave a loud creak as it opened. I smiled at the familiar Pepto-Bismol pink walls. Along the ceiling, a piece of unicorn and rainbow wall paper had started to peal.

“This place hasn’t changed a bit,” I whispered.

I heard Aunt Kari come up behind me. “What?” she asked.

“Nothing. I was just saying how this place hasn’t changed at all.”

“I can’t believe your momma let you pick that color paint.” She shook her head.

“She did?”

“Yeah. You were about two. We took you to Wal-Mart to pick out paint to match your new ‘big girl’ bed.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“Well, you were real young back then.”

“That was only a year before the accident.”

She was silent.

“Aunt Kari?”

“Emma, you don’t have to connect every event in your life to the accident.”

“I’m not –,” I began, but she cut me off.

“Every time you say ‘that was only a year before the accident,’ you are connecting it to the accident! Babe, you shouldn’t live your life like that.”

“I know.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done. You were three.”

“Can we just drop it?” I don’t want to think about this right now. Not here. Not in the last place I saw my mom and dad alive.

She smiled apathetically. “Sure.”

The crunching of gravel signaled that the movers had arrived with the furniture.


“So,” Aunt Kari said after the movers left and the house was in order, “where do you want to go to eat?”

“What kind of places do they have here?”

“I have no clue. Um… how about we go exploring? You know, see what’s here?”

“I guess that sounds alright,” I responded.

“Before we go anywhere, let’s freshen up a bit,” she suggested.

“I totally agree. I smell.”

“Thanks for sharing!” she joked.

I changed into a black shirt with yellow paint splattered on the front. My jeans were covered in holes, as were the shoes I wore.

Aunt Kari wore a yellow shirt with a green jacket and Bermuda shorts. Her polka-dot flip-flops matched nothing in particular, and her right hand bore a gorgeous ring with a large black stone

“I’m driving,” I said, grabbing the keys off the counter.

“Be my guest! I’m exhausted!”

Mathews County proved to be just as I had remembered, small and boring. There were only three places to eat on Main Street. We chose a place called Charlotte’s Cafe. The food was pretty good, better than I thought it would be, anyway.

“So,” said Aunt Kari, “after this, do you want to see the school?”

“Sure,” I said half-heartedly.

“Hey, don’t sound so glum! Mathews’ schools are some of the best in the state!”

Even better! I took a violent bite at my pizza.

We left Charlotte’s and drove down the road to Mathews High School. It was a large brick building with a red roof. The man who gave us directions said ‘you couldn’t miss it if you wanted to’. Now I know what he meant.

I put my long, dark brown hair into a ponytail and got out of the truck. “Let’s check it out,” I said.


My alarm went off at five the next morning. I took a shower and got ready. I’d laid out my outfit the night before; my tan (paisley done right, as I like to say) Ralph-Lauren skirt, a brown tank top, and my sandals.

“Good morning!” said Aunt Kari when I walked into the small, rectangular kitchen.

“Morning,” I mumbled, grabbing the box of Pop Tarts we bought yesterday.

“Are you all ready for your first day?” She sipped some of her cheep, Food Lion brand coffee. For some reason, she always preferred it black.

“Yup.”

“Hmm… not very chatty this morning, are we?” she joked.

“I’m not chatty, but you sure as hell are!”

“And grouchy, too! Oh my, my, my!”

“Bla!” I stuck my tongue out like a three year-old.

My aunt burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I said smartly.

“You are! You’re so ridiculous!”

“Whatever.” I took a bite of the Pop Tart. Strawberry… ew!

“Are you taking the truck?” she said, once she’d composed herself.

“What else am I going to take?”

“Come with me,” she said with a grin.

What’s this about?


She led me out back to a shed that we were using for a garage. In it there were two cars, one was the rusty, old truck; the other one was hidden beneath a sheet.

“You bought me a car?!” I asked in disbelief.

She pulled off the sheet.

“Oh my god!” It was a black convertible.

“I had a feeling you’d say that.”

“This is mine?”

“Yup,” she said, tossing me the keys.



And so ends the first part of Crescent! Tell me what you think about the edits I made and help me out!

luv
crewgurl
Last edited by crewgurl93 on Fri Aug 24, 2007 12:02 am, edited 2 times in total.




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wow. This was pretty good. You need to watch your commas and grammar, but other than that it was ok. I think you should develop the main character more. Especially in the beggining it was a little fast moving, and instead of saying "my three year old self" maybe describe something about your character, such as: my chubby little toddler legs pumped furiously.... something like that. also you should describe things more. That's all I have to say.




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I saw some stuff at the very beginning, so I'm just going to critique as I go along...forgive anything i say that doesn't make sense.

cried a three year old me
I agree about this...I don't really like it. I don't think you need to say anything about your age, just hint that you're a toddler. Later on, the guy calls you 'little one,' which is good, and maybe just say 'my chubby legs' or something.

There they lay, my mother and father. Side-by-side.


I would suggest combining these two sentences to one.

Side-by-side = Side by side.

So it would be: "There they lay, my mother and father, side by side."

A dark, sinister-looking figure stood over my parent's still, cold bodies.


Okay, you said there was the smell of 'fresh blood' in the air earlier, and since the killer is still there, presumably he has just recently killed them. The bodies would be still, but not cold, yet. Having just died, they'd still have a little warmth left in their blood.

Also, I don't like 'sinister-looking.' I would just say 'sinister,' or 'dark' or something. Don't say the figure looks something, say he is something.

"Well, hello there, Little One."
Why is 'Little One' capitilized? Is it her name? If not, then just: "little one" would be fine.


He edged closer and closer towards me.

"AHHHH!!!" I ran out of the living room and into the hall.


"He edged closer and closer..." repetition isn't good in this case. It makes it...redundant. It's unnecessary. Also, instead of 'towards' I would say 'to me.' "He edged closer to me," is cleaner than the original sentence, less messy and redundant.

DO NOT write out wordless screams. It makes your otherwise-great writing look immature. Especially when they're capitilized like that. Just say 'I screamed and ran out of the living room and into the hall."
"Come now, Child, I won't hurt you."


There it is again. Why capitilize 'Child'?

"NOOOO!!" I shouted, still running. I flew through the back door and into the yard. "HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE!


Okay, here you're capitilizing a bunch of words. I understand that you're wanting to put special emphasis on those words, and to let us know that she's shouting. But the fact that you actually say "I shouted" makes that unnecessary. Please, for your own sake, keep the words in lower-case. Look through your favorite novel...do the characters shout in capitilized letters? Not usually.

Oh, and DO NOT double up on exclamation points, or question marks, for that matter. Again, you're trying to make special emphasis, but it doesn't work that way. One is enough.

Okay, I have to go...I'll try to come back and finish critiquing later. But so far, your writing style flows very smoothly and is easy to read...you just have some mistakes that need fixing. But good job so far! I really do want to come back as soon as I can.

Until then, au revoir...

~The Kool One 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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Thanks for the help! I am updating as we speak!

CrewGurl
Goth-Hippie?!




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Wow! Harry Potter much?

No, it's good. I definetely see a lot of Harry Potter in there, but you've added your own creativity.

You don't really describe much. We need to know what your characters look like. What the setting looks like. Other than that, I liked it.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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thank you. this is just a first draft, so it's NOWHERE near perfect. I really didn't notice how Harry Potter-like it was. I don't know whether that's bad or good... any way, thanks!
Goth-Hippie?!




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hey great job the only way thats its like Harry Potter is that her parents are dead, she has a crecsent on her forehead instead of a lightning bolt and she got a new car (broom)
:smt044




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thanks *he he* any way, I'm editing it as we speak!!
Goth-Hippie?!



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