Folded Page of a Dream

Folded page of a dream in my pocket
Mingling in idiot fascinations
Useless knowledge—
Songs of distress and a plastic love
Faceless bands, a neverending game
Shallow characters in a passion of bloodlust
Weary details washed away, no traces of distinction

All that’s left?

A worn, folded page of a dream in my pocket.

Days I can’t see the faces of my family
Each hour a blur of computer screens and screaming phones
Every minute a tide rolling over my head
Sounds and sights
Though no scent of life or aroma of death
Only the tuneless harmony of machines and our wasted breath
I have nothing worth remembering for every day I am alive
Just the shreds—
Loved until it lay in ruin—

Folded page of a dream in my pocket.

And that’s all that’s left.

___________________
Um, yeah, not very good. I've been skimping on the poetry writing this year.
And I need to get off the computer.........:p

Sumi

Folded page of a dream in my pocket

Maybe it’s just me but I think you should add an “a” to the beginning of that sentence. Ignore me if you disagree but I think it was flow better.

Apart from that, this is actually very good. I love the language you used and it really made me think… no, I am impressed. Keep writing like that and you can’t go wrong!

that. was. amazing! wow, now if only I could put my thoughts into words like that...

the only criticism i can give is it would be a good idea to add an A. but that's already been said...

keep writing!!

Wow. That really strikes something in me. Good job. And I don't think it's necessary to add an 'A' before folded. The lack thereof makes it stand out, but I find that to be a good thing.

Um, thanks everyone! This was much better feedback than I expected, good-bad wise. ^_^ (Not even a punctuation rebuke, the lacking? Wow!)

Anyway, thank you! ^_^

Sumi

You spoke too soon. Leave it to Sir Fand to deliver the well-deserved punctuation rebuke.

Admittedly, the rest of your poem is solid, if not stellar--nothing to write home about, but certainly an enjoyable little piece with decent imagery and a fine flow--but the punctuation! Inky! Why?

Okay, so here's the dealio, though I'm sure you've seen one of my punctuation-rhapsodies elsewhere on the site (deity knows I indulge in them often enough). Words are important, but it's punctuation that imbues poetry with most of its emotion! For instance:

"Hello." --Could be interpreted as simply conversational, perhaps flat, not overly cheerful or upset, etc.

"Hello!" --Enthusiastic, chipper, possibly sarcastic given the context, etc.

"...Hello." --Very unenthusiastic, perhaps irritated, full of restraint, morose.

"Hello?" --Inquisitive, uncertain, depending on context could even be fearful.

You see how punctuation can change things? For a more relevant example:

I have nothing worth remembering for every day I am alive

Well, this has one meaning. But simply by inserting a comma--one single little dot-with-a-curly-tail--I can completely change the feeling:

I have nothing worth remembering, for every day I am alive.

^~ So put some punctuation in there, girl!

You spoke too soon. Wink Leave it to Sir Fand to deliver the well-deserved punctuation rebuke.

I'm always speaking too soon. I should just wait until I die and then blabber about everything. :p

Admittedly, the rest of your poem is solid, if not stellar--nothing to write home about, but certainly an enjoyable little piece with decent imagery and a fine flow--but the punctuation! Inky! Why?

Because I'm a sadistic, vicious Baroness who finds it hard to write poetry with punctuation. ^_~

I don't know, actually. I find it hard to write poetry with punctuation, and most times I don't think it necessary, but I'll certainly keep that above in mind.

Thank you, Sah Fand! :bows:

Sumi ^_~

I liked it. I know, that sounds like an absolutely horrid crit (the kind that would get kitties eaten...lol, sorry) But I honestly loved this. I wouldn't change the wording at all; I wish I could write poetry like this.
Good luck
~Bella~

I really enjoyed this. I can't see anything that needs changed. It's really good.

I love it. Your sentiments are beautifully expressed, I love the fourth line, and:
"Each hour a blur of computer screens and screaming phones."
My only nitpick is the last line. I'm not sure that you really need it and I think that it weakend the overall impact.Other than that, well done, this is really great.

Really nice. However, it's pretty wordy. I think that good poetry delivers it's message in a clear and concise way, but still has beautiful language. Try to cut out any words which aren't completely necccesary to the meaning and beauty of the poem; in poetry, every word counts. You don't want uneccesary words weighing down the poem.

I do like this though. "Folded page of a dream in my pocket" is a lovely phrase. ^_^ If I'm not mistaken, this poem is about desperately wanting to write something and never finding the time? xD yeah. I know the feeling.

So, yeah... just cut this a little in the bits that are really wordy, and I think this will be a very beautiful and eloquent poem! ^_~

It is not bad, but great!
I really liked it, very deep in a way.

Just one thing, I think an a should be added in the beginning of the second last paragraph by the sentence: Folded page of a dream in my pocket.

A folded page of a dream in my pocket.

That sounds more deep for me.
Really liked this and cant wait for the next one.

Quite enjoyed it meself, but listen to Fand. That poetry nut knows her stuff.

Folded page of a dream in my pocket
Mingling in idiot fascinations
Useless knowledge—
Songs of distress and a plastic love
Faceless bands, a neverending game
Shallow characters in a passion of bloodlust
Weary details washed away, no traces of distinction

There aren't really many verbs in this first part? So there are a lot of things but they aren't doing much yet. As such, it sounds a little disjointed to me. Example:

Days I can’t see the faces of my family

there isn't anything about what happens on those days. I can assume that the following lines in the stanza are the expansion of that line, but I think a word or two is needed to connect them.

I especially liked the ending:

Only the tuneless harmony of machines and our wasted breath
I have nothing worth remembering for every day I am alive
Just the shreds—
Loved until it lay in ruin—

Folded page of a dream in my pocket.

And that’s all that’s left.

Great poem! I really enjoyed reading this ;] I can't think of anything else to say that hasn't already been said, sooo good job!