Freedom

The price paid for freedom. The thought floated drearily through Aria's mind as she stood quietly, the dank, dark wind sluggishly sweeping through her hair. Aria wrapped her cloak tighter around her body as she stomped off through the mud. All around for miles there was nothing but muddy dank wasteland. As she approached the army's camp the smell of cooking fires and hot metal met her nose. Tomorrow they fought for their freedom. Tomorrow destines would be met. Aria was one of the thousands of women chosen to up-rise against the sinister man who called himself emperor. She sat down on a rock next to her eldest brother Gracen. He handed her a rough wooden bowl filled with broth. Her youngest brother, Terrence stepped out of the tent and joined them. They were all young but when there was a war to be fought no one was too young. Aria knew the thoughts that ran through both her brothers' minds. Millions of people before them had died as the marched against their emperor. How could this battle change a thing? But for freedom they pledged their lives. Gracen threw another armful of wood on the fire and muttered, "Might as well already lost this war the way were acting."

Terrence pushed his hair out of his face and replied "Can you blame um who could be happy in this God forsaken place."

"I could be happy." Aria said irritably, "I can be happy knowing I fought for my freedom, for the freedom of those who can't fight, for those who died trying to free me!"

"Aria if we didn't feel the same exact way do you think we would be here?"Gracen said roughly as he turned toward his sister. "We will fight with just as much passion as you will, sister!"

The conversation then ended and the angry words faded into the bleak night. As the night grew darker they shuffled off to their tents with heavy dread in their hearts.

***

Arrows flew all around Aria as she fought valiantly alongside her brothers. The afternoon sun glinted off the many blades the arched over the soldiers' heads. Arias small childlike face was streaked with muck and dried blood and her clothes were turning a dingy brown. A young boy her age slashed at her with his sword, she stepped to her left missing the blow. As she raised her own sword to return the attack and arrow hit him in the heart and he fell silently to the ground to join many other corpses who lay there. Around her masses of bodies withered as they fought for their lives, for their freedom. They all followed the same hypnotic rhythm to kill, to win. All connected in a gruesome, evil cadence as they slaughtered their own kin. Time seemed to stop as Aria felt a ghastly pain enter her chest, an arrow quivering slightly as it protruded from her upper body. As she fell to the ground she saw Gracen glimpse her crumpling body and let out a cry of fury and slash down every living thing in his reach. Then Terence rushed gaping in horror over to her, he knelt in the mud shaking her, his salty wet tears coating her face. At that time she closed her eyes letting the darkness blot out the death that surrounded her.

The first thing Aria saw as she opened her eyes was the once white wall of a tent. She looked down and a pasty bandage stained by dried blood covered the wound in her chest. She was lying on a rigid cot. As she attempted to sit up her body protested with screams of agony and pain. Trying to press it out of her head she slowly sat up and hobbled to the door. She opened the flap and stepped into the thick air. As she breathed it felt as if the grotesque atmosphere was coating her lungs with slime. She coughed and hacked as the smell of blood and gore entered her nostrils. After a bought of coughing Aria could breath normally. Around her lay the ravaged camp. Men and women grisly, tattered, their missing limbs making their gates awkward and sickening. The once proud leaders stood with hunched backs holding the weight of death on their shoulders. That grand strong army filled with the promising youth now was only a dream, a distant memory.

Aria walked to the edge of camp. She stood gazing, for miles upon miles all she could see was the bodies of the young decaying, become part on the earth once more. She knew her brothers who were once filled vivaciousness and an urge for freedom lay there still clutching the weapons that failed them. They would never taste the fruits of their labor; they would never completely understand the feeling of being free. They had won the battle, triumphed.

Many people do not understand their freedom. They do not savor its taste. Freedom the sweetest of all life's pleasures but the one for which you must pay the most precious price. All over the world all through out time people have fought, died for their freedom. Do not waste your sovereignty; use to better the world every day, remember all who have died who have fought to let you be free.

BlondeHelmet wrote:The price paid for freedom. The thought floated drearily through Aria's mind as she stood quietly, the dank, dark wind sluggishly sweeping through her hair. Aria wrapped her cloak tighter around her body as she stomped off through the mud. All around for miles there was nothing but muddy dank wasteland. As she approached the army's camp the smell of cooking fires and hot metal met her nose. Tomorrow they fought for their freedom. Tomorrow destines would be met. Aria was one of the thousands of women chosen to up-rise against the sinister man who called himself emperor. She sat down on a rock next to her eldest brother Gracen. He handed her a rough wooden bowl filled with broth. Her youngest brother, Terrence stepped out of the tent and joined them. They were all young but when there was a war to be fought no one was too young. Aria knew the thoughts that ran through both her brothers' minds. Millions of people before them had died as the marched against their emperor. How could this battle change a thing? But for freedom they pledged their lives. Gracen threw another armful of wood on the fire and muttered, "Might as well have already lost this war the way we're acting."

Terrence pushed his hair out of his face and replied "Can you blame 'em? Who could be happy in this God forsaken place?"

"I could be happy." Aria said irritably, "I can be happy knowing I fought for my freedom, for the freedom of those who can't fight, for those who died trying to free me!"

"Aria, if we didn't feel the same exact way, do you think we would be here?"Gracen said roughly as he turned toward his sister. "We will fight with just as much passion as you will, sister!"

The conversation then ended and the angry words faded into the bleak night. As the night grew darker they shuffled off to their tents with heavy dread in their hearts.

***

Arrows flew all around Aria as she fought valiantly alongside her brothers. The afternoon sun glinted off the many blades the arched over the soldiers' heads. This sentence doesn't make any sense, it's something with the 'the' Arias small childlike face was streaked with muck and dried blood and her clothes were turning a dingy brown. A young boy her age slashed at her with his sword, she stepped to her left missing the blow. As she raised her own sword to return the attack and arrow hit him in the heart and he fell silently to the ground to join many other corpses who lay there. Around her masses of bodies withered as they fought for their lives, for their freedom. They all followed the same hypnotic rhythm to kill, to win. All connected in a gruesome, evil cadence as they slaughtered their own kin. Time seemed to stop as Aria felt a ghastly pain enter her chest, an arrow quivering slightly as it protruded from her upper body. As she fell to the ground she saw Gracen glimpse her crumpling body and let out a cry of fury and slash down every living thing in his reach. Then Terence rushed gaping Gasping? in horror over to her. He knelt in the mud shaking her, his salty wet tears coating her face. At that time she closed her eyes letting the darkness blot out the death that surrounded her.

The first thing Aria saw as she opened her eyes was the once white wall of a tent. She looked down and a pasty bandage stained by dried blood covered the wound in her chest. She was lying on a rigid cot. As she attempted to sit up her body protested with screams of agony and pain. Trying to press it out of her head she slowly sat up and hobbled to the door. She opened the flap and stepped into the thick air. As she breathed, it felt as if the grotesque atmosphere was coating her lungs with slime. She coughed and hacked as the smell of blood and gore entered her nostrils. After a bought of coughing Aria could breath normally. Around her lay the ravaged camp. Men and women grisly, tattered, their missing limbs making their gates awkward and sickening. The once proud leaders stood with hunched backs holding the weight of death on their shoulders. That grand strong army filled with the promising youth now was only a dream, a distant memory.

Aria walked to the edge of camp. She stood gazing, for miles upon miles all she could see was the bodies of the young decaying, become part of the earth once more. She knew her brothers who were once filled vivaciousness and an urge for freedom lay there still clutching the weapons that failed them. They would never taste the fruits of their labor; they would never completely understand the feeling of being free. They had won the battle, triumphed.

Many people do not understand their freedom. They do not savor its taste. Freedom, the sweetest of all life's pleasures, but the one for which you must pay the most precious price. All over the world, all through out time people have fought, died for their freedom. Do not waste your sovereignty; use it to better the world every day, remember all who have died who have fought to let you be free.

This is an interesting piece. I spotted no spelling errors, but there were a few grammatical ones. Your descriptions were great, and the story itself was overall great, along with a great message.

The first paragraph floats in and out of Aria's mind. half of it she's thinking and the other half is third person. It'd be more grabbing to just hear her thoughts and move away later, like when they're disturbed by Gracen talking.

"..."We will fight with just as much passion as you will, sister!"

This sounds like a promise that will soon be broken. "we have as much passion..." or just "we fight with as much passion..."

With such a short story anything you say or the character says goes into their personality. You may want to play up the idea of freedom and young people fighting wars.

The paragraph when the fighting is introduced is very awkward. You should read some of the writing help on action scenes. Hunter(on YWS) is pro at action, you could also fuel his ego and consult him.

The once proud leaders stood with hunched backs holding the weight of death on their shoulders.

If they won the battle the leaders may not see this loss so sadly. In wars/battles casualties are expected.

Fighting for freedom is a good theme and you may want to include it more and contrast just how the actually fighting doesn't seem to have anything to do with freedom.

Your descriptions are short. They're a good start, but when Aria wakes up after being shot time would seem slower and she would notice more before sprinting out of bed. She would be dazed (depending on magic/medicine/pain) and would take a while to realize things or even remember where she was or what she had been doing. And she might not be able to stand and only see the blood-stained fields from a hole in the tent or an open flap. <-- stuff to think about.

Definitely expand this piece.

You've got a good start, and with some editing this could really shine. However, there are a couple of things that I'd like to see more of here: you need a little more punctuation, and you need to break up some of your paragraphs. Several of them, especially the first, are too long - even if they're all one thought, try to find a natural pause where you can split it up.

BlondeHelmet wrote:The price paid for freedom. Tomorrow they fought for their freedom. Tomorrow destines would be met. Aria was one of the thousands of women chosen to up-rise against the sinister man who called himself emperor. She sat down on a rock next to her eldest brother Gracen. He handed her a rough wooden bowl filled with broth.

Many of the sentences in this paragraph are just straight, expository sentences with no complex structure - the syntax just repeats itself. Try to add some dependent clauses, semicolons, et cetera so that it sounds a little more natural rather than list-like.

Terrence pushed his hair out of his face and replied "Can you blame um who could be happy in this God forsaken place."

I think this should be 'em as it's a shortened form of "them". You also need to either break this into two separate phrases or two sentences. The second part asking who could be happy is a question, and therefore you might want to add a question mark there.

Arrows flew all around Aria as she fought valiantly alongside her brothers.

This paragraph is, again, really long. See if you can find a natural break.

She opened the flap and stepped into the thick air. As she breathed it felt as if the grotesque atmosphere was coating her lungs with slime. She coughed and hacked as the smell of blood and gore entered her nostrils. After a bought of coughing Aria could breath normally.

How long had she been asleep? I would expect that it would take a little longer for someone to recover from a chest wound of that type...
Also, "breath" should be "breathe".

This last part leaves a lot of questions unanswered. How did she know that her brothers were dead? How did she know that they had won if all she saw was a desolate battlefield?

Many people do not understand their freedom. They do not savor its taste. Freedom the sweetest of all life's pleasures but the one for which you must pay the most precious price. All over the world all through out time people have fought, died for their freedom. Do not waste your sovereignty; use to better the world every day, remember all who have died who have fought to let you be free.

Hokay. As much as you may love this paragraph, it just isn't needed, in my opinion. Your story should stand alone. If your story has a moral message - which is does - it's much better to convey that through your writing rather than attempt to sum it up at the end. Instead of doing this, work in little details about how Aria got involved in this conflict. Who is this almighty power she is working to overthrow? What crimes did they commit against her? If we're going to identify with Aria's cause, we need to know a little more about it, and why she fights for it. If you do that, then they'll understand the moral of the story without any prompting. You don't have to teleport outside of her body and explain to us the purpose of the piece... it's a story, not a morality play, so just work your points into the text instead of making them a separate movement.

I hope that made sense. If you've got any questions/comments, feel free to PM me. Thanks for sharing this with us, can't wait to see more of your work soon!

you've got a nice idea, a good character ideas and an ok beggining. When you edit you should focus some energy on the grammatical side since I noticed a few minor mistakes. most of the spelling mistakes are typos, but a spell check might fix it. also, some places the sentences are phrased in a way that is technically correct, but hard to read. here is one example:

"Tomorrow they fought for their freedom.
Tomorrow destines would be met."
You could just leave this, and if you are really in love with this sentence it doesn't really matter. However, what I would do is rearrange it a bit so the tenses sound right:
'Tomorrow they would fight for their freedom. Tomorrow their destines would be met'
or something along those lines. I think it would help the story flow better if you arranged stuff like that a little better.

I also wondered why she was able to get up right after getting a serious chest wound, why she sat up twice, and how she knew her brothers were dead right after she woke up.

other than that you have a somewhat cliche story, but it makes up for that fact by being presented well and beleivably.