...Short with short lines would have been better. This is too long, and trips over itself the whole time. It has the potential to be amusing--but you drown it with its own self-proclaimed brilliance. It's also basically a laundry-list. Eek.
The cardinal rule of poetry is: less is more. I suggest you put that into the pretty font of your choice and pin it up in the place where you usually write your poetry.
Eh... I think it would be better if it were more prosaic. That is, I think this would be better if converted to a story.
Cut it down to size. The ending is clever, but you have to wade for too much to get to it.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
This presented itself more as a list than a poem. And a long list at that. I see Snoink suggested a short story? It might also work as a script. As is, however, other than the line breaks, there's not much that makes this poetry as opposed to another format.
This poem has potential to be fun to read, but it is too long, too confusing [not really in of itself, but it's hard to keep any idea straight with all those voices clamoring together all down the page] and too listy. If you cut this down to about a third or a quarter of it's present size, you'd have something workable. It would be a good exercise in poetry writing in general, as well, because poetry should be condensed; it shouldn't waste space or lean on a superflouity of words. Cutting this down would force you to consider what's the most important to the 'story', the feeling, and the characters.
Legs moving Almost as fast as bickering mouths.
This is good, my favorite part of this whole clamor. you want to model the narration around the dialouge like this [and, even if you turn this into a short story, you still will want to use these lines as an example.]
Thanks for all the critiques, guys.
I trimmed it a little bit--took out the lines that had less relevance to the next line and so forth--but as I like it the way it is and as everything in this poem was actually said, you can see that's it's still pretty long. (Personally, I don't much care about the length because I like both long and short poetry, but hey, that's just me.)
Oh, and something euclidean: I didn't put in the characters or descriptions or anything because I wanted to see if people could make up their own story behind the poem of figure out what is going on without me telling them. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't, but I still think it depends on the person.
I don't think it's a matter of personal preference about the length--it's a matter of this poem, as I said before, tripping all over itself. Newborn Bambi's got nothing on "Kickball With The Cousins." And, in the process of tripping on itself, it kicks its own butt. ...Yeah, and not in the good way.
I couldn't even tell that you'd deleted lines. Look, Muffin, I like the principle of the poem--I really do--and I like what you tried to express--but I think you can (and should) chalk this one up to a learning experience and trash it.
Lessons learned?
A) Don't drown the reader in punctuation, especially repetitive punctuation like quotation marks. It might have worked if you'd not used any of those at all.
B) You can't just list things and call it a poem. It doesn't work. Sure, there may be a general point to the list, or a general flow or rhyme scheme or rhythm or whatnot--but no matter how many literary conventions you throw at a laundry list, and how many stick, it's still always going to be a laundry list.
C) Nor does a dramatic, snappy one-liner along the "Casey At The Bat" vein make a poem.
Whoa... Fand. Harsh much? I don't think that was really necessary to jump down her throat like that.
You know, if you really hate this poem that much, then perhaps you should stay away from it. Give it up as a lost cause, and just move on. No use upping blood pressure over a poem from someone you don't even know.
As for me, I like it. A bit long, yes, but not necessarily a laundry list. Perhaps a bit more trimming... take away some of the less necessary lines...
~Butter In My Hair~
Please critique the poem, not the previous comments. Thanks. ~ Snoink
That is, I think this would be better if converted to a story.
