Vivian

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This is only part-fiction. I actually saw the woman asleep in the airport in one of many out-of-place rocking lawn chairs, but I made up her story.

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The long, bleak hallway has a windowed wall to one side that looks out upon a sea of tarmac. The black shadows of the window divisions contrast sharply with the glowing white sunlight, creating a pattern on the dark gray floor that is reminiscent of patchwork.

White-wooden porch chairs are clustered by the wall opposite the windows, but one is by the glass, flooded in sunlight. In this chair lone sits an old woman. Her clothes are varying shades of blue. Her curly white head leans back over the back of her chair, the wooden edge nestling into the crook of her neck. Her sleeping face wears an expression of peaceful exhaustion.

Her five Canadian grandchildren tired her out this past week with endless games of hide-and-seek and freeze-tag. Her knees got more wear that past week than they were used to and on sight of the rocking chair—so much like her own back in Miami—she had collapsed into slumber. Sweet, deep slumber, unbroken by small children’s requests and complaints!

Yet she dreams of little Andy’s big green eyes smiling at her through thick blonde lashes. And Rachel’s sock-puppets dance before her closed eyes. The thought of her grandchildren brings a sleepy smile to the face of the old woman and she almost wishes that she should wake to the chortles and giggles of two-year-old Cameron.

Though their games were tiring, the excursion couldn’t have been all that bad for their grandmother. She had been feeling somewhat lazy before her trip, what with her sore knee and all. Lately she hadn’t done much but sit and sleep all day, getting up occasionally to feed the cat or prepare herself some coffee. The well-earned exhaustion she feels now is welcomed, compared to the hazy, groggy sleepiness of the weeks prior to her visit.

She opens her eyes and stands. Her knees do not emit the painful creaks that she has come to consider normal. Her back, too, feels less stiff than she remembers. She gathers her bags and walking stick. She feels as though her grandchildren’s’ youthfulness may have been contagious. Perhaps she should start a babysitting business.

As she walks through the airport, she thinks of how much small children would love the shallow beach down the block from her house. And her cat is friendly, no doubt good with children. She leans on her walking stick less and less as her mind wanders. Her legs become more and more powerful and stiff pains evaporate. Hope glistens in her eyes with newly-found vividness.
Last edited by Azila on Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:02 am, edited 3 times in total.




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Awww...short and sweet, just how I like it!

I loved your descriptions of the area...so many writers (including myself) just concentrate on their characters, but you did a very good job with the surroundings as well.

I also liked it how at first, it seemed like we were observers, looking out the windows, looking around, and then the reader spies the grandmother character...and suddenly we're in her mind. It was good!

I really don't have anything negative to say...jeez, that's a new development. I'm not used to it!

Way to go...I look forward to seeing a longer story from you.

~ 8)
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Hi!
you should have told me about this story!
anyway, my comments are as follows:

I always love stories where the inspiration is actually from something that happened, or that the author saw, mixed with imagination. The negative points I found include that your spacing seems regular, rythmical, almost like poetry. Maybe you should make the sylables not line up with eachother so well, I think it would make the story flow better. also I think that perhaps on the whole you should switch this story to past tence. I think it would suit the style better, and make it less confusing for readers. Other than those suggestions, I didn't find any bad errors or other things incorrect in this story. I want to read your other stories, so you have to PM me when you post one!




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A beautiful piece of writing, if i do say so myself. I could clearly picture every scene in my mind, which is great! I loved this and how you explained the setting and the character. I found no mistakes or anything i think you should change. Good work! Keep it up!

-DM
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This was a very sweet story. It is wonderfully imaginative considering that you know nothing about the real old woman.

I'm not sure if i'm crazy about how she suddenly feels all better by the end of the story. It's a nice aspect, but kind of unrealistic. Maybe she just wouldn't notice the pain or tiredness?

The last sentence : "Hope glistens in her eyes with newly-found vividness."
I like what you're trying to say here, but i found it oddly worded. Try rearranging the word order, or splitting it into more than one sentence to make it flow better.


Anyway, that's my only my opinion. Very nice job overall.

=)
=)
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Hehe I like this story, its so sweet! The character and voice is excellent, and the imagery is good too. Great work!




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Thanks everyone!

nickelodeon: I know what you mean; I'll try to work with that.

canislupis: I don't quite get what you mean about it being to rhythmical. PM me. And also, I did the tense-switching on purpose, showing the difference between her background and what I actually saw or thought I would see if I kept watching.

skool15: I have written a longer story... and posted it for that matter. It's called "Snow," and it's under Fantasy Fiction.

Thanks again guys!

~Azila




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WOW! Excellent story there! I loved it. The character, the background, the description...nice.

Two things:

She leans on walking stick less and less and her mind wanders

on the walking stick? on a walking stick?


The ending was kind of confusing to me. Was she becoming more hopeful, more happy? I think as if I am too stupid or just missed something out.

Otherwise, excellent, excellent job on flash fiction! Loved it!
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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HI!
Sorry I confused. :)
I meant that the whole thing seems spaced out and planned, there are rhyming sylables, and the whole thing sounds rather like poetry when you read it aloud. Then there's the fact that all of the paragrahs are EXACTLY the same length, which also contributes to that feeling.

I still think it would be better if you kept the tenses the same, since it would be less confusing. But then again you could always leave it......
Last edited by canislupis on Wed Oct 10, 2007 7:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey, what i say may or may not sound stupid, but i feel i should critique somebody even if i dislike it.
Did you ever think of trying to switch the character into the first person instead of observing every little detail in 3rd person?
It might add more personality, and i've always found it farfetched for a 3rd person to pick evrey little niggle.




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i really quite liked this story. it was a very appropriate length, descriptive and character explanitory peices like this one, i feel, should always be of a shorter length, otherwise it can sometimes be mind boggling to read.
i like the pace of this story, there is a dreamy flow to it that helps with the content. i like this style of writing and i think you did it quite well.
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I'm determined to review everything of yours, Azila! :lol:

She opens her eyes. She stands.


These sound choppy compared to the fluid eloquence displayed in the rest of the piece. Maybe you should joined them together...?

She gathers har bags and walking stick.


Har bags? Typo, or something?

She feels as though her grandchildren’s’ youthfulness may have been contagious. Perhaps she should start a babysitting business.


Lol, that last sentence rocks! Just thought I'd point that out. :P

As she walks through the airport, she thinks of how much small children would love the shallow beach down the block from her house. And her cat is friendly, no doubt good with children. She leans on her walking stick less and less as her mind wanders. Her legs become more and more powerful and stiff pains evaporate. Hope glistens in her eyes with newly-found vividness.


I understand the ending, but I'm a little confused about the kids. She didn't bring them with her? Did she leave them on the plane? I'd like to know what happened. :wink:
I also don't really like the 'newly-found vividness' part. It sounds kind of awkward...


As usual, you have amazed me.
Great description, and even with the length of this you've managed some good characterization. I love the style you wrote this in - as an observer, kind of.
Keep writing! I look forwards to reading something new in your portfolio, seeing as there is only two pieces left for me to crit now. ^_^

Cheers,
Camille :D
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Camille, my dear, you are truly a miracle!

That's so darn sweet of you, to go and review EVERYTHING in my portfolio!

Don't worry, I'll be getting you back one of these days! :twisted: ...(hopefully...)

~Azila~




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Indeed, very sweet. You definitely have a way with words. However, my mind wandered while reading this, but it was most likely due to my little sister screaming that she wants a cheese sandwich, but she can't because she's sick, so then she wanted a sandwich without cheese...

Anyway, I really liked this, but I think it needs some action. As is, it seems sort of...plotless. That's not a bad thing, but this hangs in the air. You tied it together with the old woman (Vivian?) getting youthful again at the end, but I think there should be something in the middle. Are there other people at the airport? Do they notice her?

The idea of a babysitting business seems unrealistic. I doubt an old lady, even one with boundless pizzazz, would want to chase a bunch of wily two-year-olds around all day.

That's all. This really doesn't need a lot of work, maybe none at all. Bravo! I'm off to review more.
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