piano player that dranes souls it needs help

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 52
She walked over to the window and pulled the dusty moth eaten curtains back just a sliver. If she was caught she would be punished, again, but she didn't care. Sara loved the bright sunlight, the fresh air smell, and most of all the smell of the tomatoes the gardener grew under the window sill right next door.

Painfully drew the curtains closed and was once again, back in the damp dreary house she was prisoner in. She could haev escaped during the performances, but the few presious belongings she were all at the house. And she could not leave unless she had a death wish, for her father had cut away a pice of her soul when she was three and never let go of it, it was his way of making sure she never left his side. But then she thought back Mayton and her father, especially her father, who always insisted on keeping the curtains closed, the mansion light by only a few drooping candles.


"Miss Saranai," Mayton, the butler called, "tea is ready in the drawing room, and your father,"


"Call me Sara, I hate Sarania!" Sara yelled, but Mayton continued


"Your father wishes you to look your best, there is a lady guest." And with that he left.


Mayton thought it improper to go by anything other than your full name. Mayton thought many thing to be improper.

She walked over to the window and pulled the dusty moth eaten curtains back just a sliver. If she was caught she would be punished, again, but she didn't care. Sara loved the bright sunlight, the fresh air smell, and most of all the smell of the tomatoes the gardener grew under the window sill right next door.

Painfully drew the curtains closed and was once again, back in the damp dreary house she was prisoner in. She could haev escaped during the performances, but the few presious belongings she were all at the house. And she could not leave unless she had a death wish, for her father had cut away a pice of her soul when she was three and never let go of it, it was his way of making sure she never left his side. But then she thought back Mayton and her father, especially her father, who always insisted on keeping the curtains closed, the mansion light by only a few drooping candles.



She walked over to the shining black piano and started playing. Imagining dark hallways, burning candles, and cobweb covered ceilings. She played with her heart, not from pieces of paper. When people heard her music they felt what she felt, and usually ended up crying. Her sad desprairing songs drug you in and kept you hostage, even after they were finished. It was like she took a bit of your soul every song, every concert. You would leave felling empty and unhappy, almost like you were a ghost. But sh ewould feel happy, and blissfull, those were the only times she did. Some who went to every concert ended up becoming drone like, dead like. One particular individual, Mrs. Jona Balance, had gone happy, and left staring in blacnknees at nothing at all with tears streaming down her face, sometimes she could barley find her way back to her own house only a few blocks away, back to her son.
Last edited by lulu_lizzrd on Wed Aug 15, 2007 3:45 am, edited 3 times in total.
I open my lunch box Hopin' to find a sandwich, an apple some cookies or cake but there, coiled and hissin' and set to unwind Is anouther big venemous poisonous snake leaving me hungry as can be you think my mother's mad at me?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 35
Ok that is an interesting start, but at the moment I don't know enough about Sara to care enough about her to want to keep reading.

When people heard her music they felt what she felt, and usually ended up crying. Her songs drug you in and kept you hostage, even after they were finished. It was like she took a bit of your soul every song, every concert.You would leave felling empty and unhappy, almost like you were a ghost. Some who went to every concert ended up becoming drone like, dead like.


Thats an interesting concept, but instead of telling us all about it, show us. Maybe show us how one particular person was affected or something like that.

And the felt what she felt. What does she feel? Sadness? If so why does she play? And if she takes a bit of their soul why doesn't it make her feel happy, like she is feeding off their souls.

the tomatoes the gardener grew under the window seal right next door.


Window sill??

Painfully she drew the curtains closed and was once again, back in the damp dreary house she was prisoner in.


So is she prisoner in the house and is taken out for concerts or had she been preforming concerts and then her father decided to keep her prisoner? Because if she is at a concert, I'm sure she could find a way to escape.

Sorry, I didn't have much time to write this in, I hope you understand what I am getting at. It is a very interesting concept and if you flesh it out a bit and show us more then it will be much better.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 566
Why have you posted this twice? You really don't need to....

Anyway, I think that Dele24 pointed out most of the mistakes, but here is what i think i should point out:


But sh ewould feel happy, and blissfull, those

*she

Some who went to every concert ended up becoming drone like, dead like.

the end of this setence reallllly annoyed me, is like twice needed here? I don't think it works, it might be said in conversation but when wirtten in a sentence it looks and sounds awkward.


and left staring in blacnknees

*blackness

I agree with dele24 here, this could be shown so much better to the reader, you do a lot of telling and although this is very good writing, it would be much more involving and exciting for the reader if you could just show us that little bit more.

She hated being called Sarania, but Mayton thought it improper to go by anything other than your full name. Mayton thought many thing to be improper.

we knew she hates being called that, as she has just said it. You could just cut out the first bit here and have it as Mayton thought it improper....


I like the ocncept of this, but at the moment I think it needs a little bit more work, i don't really care what happens to Sara at the moment, I don't know enough about her, try and show us more :)

All the best,
meevs
Bag.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 10241
Reviews 116
Interesting...but i did catch quite a few mistakes. You may want to go back and reread it. I have to agree with the other two on everything else, so you may want to get on that. But it's good, and I'll be looking out for more!

-DM
Be the cartoon heart. Light a fire, light a spark. Light a fire, flame in my heart. We'll run wild, we'll be glowing in the dark.



so many languages have fallen / off of the edge of the world / into the dragon's mouth.
— Lucille Clifton