Snow

A bit wordy, I think. Maybe you could break it up into two posts. The description is great, especially the "other world." Character description is also good. All in all, a good read.

Kingdom Carrier: Thanks!! Welcome, and I can't wait to read your stuff!!

Misty: I don't think I'm going to make it into a novel. I might right a short sequel, though... but we shall see. If I do, it won't be what you expect, I have an idea

Polkadots: Thank you! I will work on the mother's reactions.

Everyone I didn't mention: Thanks for reading and leaving a comment!

~Azila

You know this is one of the few first-person pieces that i've read and i really liked it. I don't think that all of monologue's were entirely realistic. I don't think that anybody thinks about those things, especially in the current tense.

I'm going to be entering this into a competition by the 1st of January. Please be brutal, I can take it.

~Azila~

*claps hands for...2 hours.*
That was awsome Azila!
I like how you gave a lot of details!
keep writing!

Thanks for the review, Pawprint... it was encouraging, but sadly it wasn't brutal. Anyone gonna give me a brutal review? PLEASE?

~Azila~

Okay... Like I think I said, I'm entering this into a contest. Well I just looked at the website for the contest (The Blue Pencil from Walnut Hill, if anyone's interested) and I just realized that it's like a thousand words too long. So I'm gonna do some major editing and hopefully the piece will survive!

~Azila~

Azila --

Wow, this is quite a bit longer than your usual flash-fiction!

Anyways. I'm too lazy to read two pages of crits, so forgive me if I repeat what you've already heard.

Here's your brutal review: (lol)

Azila wrote:Snow. It is all that I see. I am surrounded by glistening whiteness. It swirls around me on the ground.

Those three sentences sound a little bit choppy; maybe you should put a semi-colon instead of a period after 'whiteness'.

Azila wrote: It is flattening and the laciness is leaving. The cool crispness is becoming smotheringly warm –almost like soggy fabric.

I see what you mean about snow being lacy, but I don't like how you say 'laciness' and then 'crispness' in such close proximity to each other.
I'm sure there's some writerly word for this kind of issue, but I don't know what it is. >.< Maybe try reading those phrases out loud?

Azila wrote:Someone calls my name.

I think you could make that sentence a little bit grander, more striking. But then again, I like the simplicity. It's up to you.

Azila wrote:The soggy air presses against me like swelteringly murky water.

I don't think the 'swelteringly' is necessary. I understand the meaning, but murky and sweltering don't seem to fit together very well. I think just murky water would convey the feeling well enough.

Azila wrote:I wish desperately that I should open my eyes to the beautiful white crispness of the powdery snow and inhale blissfully fresh winter air. But no; through my opening lids seeps humid light and a sticky, sweaty feeling surrounds my awakening body.

Those two sentences seem borderline purple...
First sentence: You're wishing desperately for the beautiful white crispness of the powdery to inhale the blissfully fresh winter air. (I've italicized all the descriptive parts/adjectives/adverbs.
So my point is that all those adjectives may not be necessary. You could probably be fine with just: I wish desperately that I should open my eyes to the pale, beautiful crispness of the snow and inhale the blissfully fresh winter air. I got rid of 'crispness' because you've already used it to describe the snow, and 'white' because obviously snow is white, and 'powdery' because you've also already inferred that in the beginning.
Second Sentence: (This one isn't as bad) Through your opening lids seeps humid light and a sticky, sweaty feeling surrounds your awakening body. (As before, description goes in italics.)
My advice for you this time is instead of saying sweaty and sticky, why not find a common synonym for both of them? I also don't think that 'awakening' is strictly necessary, either. But I love the way you said 'seeps'.

Azila wrote:The person who called me is Libby, my sister. She’s in her bed next to mine, and her tanned face is carved with lines of anxiety. Her dark eyebrows are arched and her short, silky brown hair resembles a tangled bird’s nest with twigs of hair sticking out in every direction.

You have a lovely description of her face there, and her hair as well. But I don't like how you put 'hair' twice in that last sentence.

Azila wrote:I notice that the blizzard is slowing and thinning.

There's a blizzard?
Maybe I didn't notice you mentioning that earlier, but I'm pretty sure you didn't.

Azila wrote:The designs are crisp –too crisp for the recent snowstorm and the feathery snow. What could have made them? I kneel down to take a closer look. They look like stars, or trees, or snowflakes; with six swirling arms that split and twist. In the center of each star is a curly design that resembles a Celtic knot. They look faintly familiar, but I cannot place where I have seen them before. What celestial being could have made its prints so crisply in the powdery snow, into which I can make no permanent impression?

I've underlined the word 'crisp' (and 'crisply') because you've already used it numerous time to describe the snow. Maybe you should use one of the following synonyms for crisp: bracing, brisk, chilly, clear, cloudless, invigorating, refreshing, stimulating, brittle, crispy, crumbly, crunchy, crusty, firm, fresh, friable, green, plump, ripe, short, unwilted, clean-cut, neat, orderly, snappy, spruce, tidy, well-groomed, well-pressed, etc. (I know many of them don;t work very well but it's all I could think of.)
Also, for the third use of 'crisp' (actually, you said 'crisply') I think you should say something like '...made its prints so clearly...' It may not be as eloquent or interesting as 'crisply', but...*shrugs*

Azila wrote: The crisp air is tinged with a tangy twist of exotic sweetness, like a drop of fruit juice that is swirled into water. I walk faster, sure now that the footprints are leading to the forest.

Another 'crisp'! >.<
I also think the description of the air might be a tad purple; maybe try something like this instead: The [insert synonym for crisp here] air is tinged with tangy, exotic twist, like a drop of fruit juice swirled into water. Or maybe you could also squeeze in 'citrus' to describe the air, since in that example I neglected to say 'sweetness'.

Azila wrote:I bow my head and run, not allowing the clawing grip to slow me down. Every time I land, a cloud of twinkling snow puffs up around my knees.

I don't think the 'Every time I land' is clear enough. Maybe you should say: Every time my foot connects with the ground' or something like that.

Azila wrote:My terpsichorean feet barely alight after each leap, only long enough to propel myself for the next soar.

Ooohh! Nice use of the word 'terpsichorean' there!
I don't think 'soar' is necessary at the end of the sentence. But it's really a matter of personal preference, and my [lack of] expertise in literacy.

Azila wrote:Mom and Libby, dressed in their bathrobes, are on either side of me, supporting me, and a big tree looms in front of me.

There's a bit too many 'me's in that sentence for my liking. ^_~

Azila wrote:The sun is blindingly strong and hot, it glares at me as if I am a naughty child who needs a scolding.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think you could use a semi-colon after the 'hot' instead of a comma. Also, I'm not sure I like the 'blindingly strong', but I like the second part.

Azila wrote:I try to shake free of her familiar iron talons, but they claw at my nightshirt and refuse to give in to my squirms and pleas.

Iron talons? Is she the thing in the dream - the thing that was chasing her? Hhmmm...*strokes chin*

Azila wrote:I wonder what it is in there. I cannot bring myself to look away. I sink down to my knees. Hands grip me and pull. I am soon being carried speedily away from the light.

Those sentences are all kind of choppy; you might want to try joining some of them together for a better flow.

Azila wrote:My insides squirm with curious interest at the thought of the glowing thing.

I'm not sure that I like the 'curious interest' part. It just sounds a little...off, you know?

Azila wrote:It does not occur to me to talk, so I just I say it with my mind.

What's with the extra I?

Azila wrote:The being seems to understand it glides towards me, blinding me with its beauty.

I think there should be a semi-colon after 'understand'.


Overall....*the crowd waits with bated breath*

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AZILA! You will never cease to amaze me!
I really...wow.

However, no work is flawless.
But yours is just about as close as you can get. The only problems, I think, were grammatical (I think I got most of them) and a few purple sentences. I would have liked more description of her front yard, but if you need to shorten this, don't bother.

Speaking of shortening it...
The chase scene is marvelous, but if you need to lessen the word count for this piece, I would suggest cutting down on this.

Azila wrote:Shortly after I begin to walk, I start to hear muffled shouts and feel a painful grip on my arm that makes me pause and look around. There is nobody there. But yet, I can feel the fingers –the strong, hard, boney talons. Panic makes me run and running tears the talons away from me. Soon the grip catches me again, but I punch it away roughly and run faster. Something in the direction of my punch emits a pained yelp, distant and insignificant.

I bow my head and run, not allowing the clawing grip to slow me down. Every time I land, a cloud of twinkling snow puffs up around my knees. I yank free of the grip and bound onwards. I think it is snowing again, but the flakes that tickle my face with their angelic coolness may be just what I am disturbing with my feet. Whatever the reason, there is a cloud of white snow around me through which I cannot see. But I do not feel blind; I feel safe, almost guided.

My head still bowed, I spring onwards, as elegant as a gazelle. My terpsichorean feet barely alight after each leap, only long enough to propel myself for the next soar. But there is that demonic tug again, accompanied by a shout. I shove the grabbing hands away and run even faster.

This whole bit can be compacted into something smaller, I think. Just cut down on the drama and description of the snow, and voila!


In this piece, you did well in several things:

Your descriptions, as usual, were stunning. You conveyed the feeling perfectly in all but a few sentences (because those were slightly purple).

Your pacing was steady and that is probably essential to a piece like this. Yes, if you need to shorten it, you can, but if there wasn't a word limit for the contest then nothing would need to be changed in this aspect.

The dialogue was also very well done. It was credible all the time - the mother and sister reacted just like you'd expect.

The voice of the narrator was excellent; I could relate, and that, coupled with the imagery, made me feel like I was Lucy.

So yeah, great job! You should write fantasy more often.

Good luck on your contest Azila!

- Camille

Thanks so much, Camille!

Your critique was very helpful (as always) --brutal, but not mean. You should train some of these people on YWS.

I will definitely be taking the vast majority (if not all) of your critique into account.

I actually already shortened it and now it is actually six words LESS than the limit, and I'm glad you didn't think it was bare, because when I read it I feel like 'where'd it all go?!' But I think that's just because I'm used to the other version.

Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH! If there's anything you want a review on in return, PLEASE don't be shy in asking... I owe you.

~Azila~