Second Chance Ranch

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 4
ok, I hope you like my story, and Im a new author, so I hope you like it!


Chapter 1.

"Erica can you come down here please?!" My mother called.

As I walked down the steps of my mothers western styled home, I wiped my unbrushed shoulder length brown hair out of my blue eyes. When I entered the old west styled kitchen, I saw my mother, Phyllis Webb, sitting at the table clutching a letter in her hand. I took a seat next to her and I diddn't say a word.

"It's your Aunt Kate." My mother told me. "She has Lung Cancer"
"Dad's sister?" I asked
"Yes" My mother simply said.

My father, Robet Webb, died about three months ago, also due to Lung Cancer. I was in my third year in College when he died, and I was forced to drop out and move back home to help my mother with the ranch we owned. When I wasn't busy working on the ranch, I was at my part time as a museum securty guard, or solving some mystery that I always stumble into.

"She sent me a letter asking me to help her. " My mother told me holding up the letter.
"Okay, when do you leave?" I asked not knowing the proper thing to say.
"Today ,at 12:00pm" My mother told me.
"I'll go get my Pickup ready." I replyed walking out of my mothers kitchen

I walked over to the barn, where I had parked my burgandy and silver Chevy S-10 pickup the previous night. I got in and waited for my mother, who had to say good bye to all of our horses, chickens and Cows.

"Mom your only going to be gone a week!" I called as she put her luggage in my pickup and got in.

As we drove through Dinsmore Califorina, the town we lived in, I could tell my mother was upset about my Aunt Kate because all she did was look out the pickup window.

"Were here!" I said pulling up to Dinsmore Municiple Airport.
"Yep." My mother said getting out of my truck

I helped my mom unload her luggage, then climbed back into my pickup. I glanced back at my mom, who was walking into the airport, her head hung low. As I drove home, I listened to the radio, and thought about my father, my mother, and my Aunt Kate. When I pulled up to my home, I looked at my watch, it was 9:59am, I had at least 10 minutes, to change into more proper clothes, brush my hair and go to work. I raced up the stairs to my room, which was covered with country music stars such as Randy Travis, Brad Paisley, Rascall Flatts and Johnny Cash. I brushed my hair and put in a bariad, and I put on my securety guard uniform and raced downstairs and ran out the door, locking the door behind me, and got in my pickup and drove to the museum.

"I'm going to be late!" I thought.

Luckly I wasn't late, I passed every green light on the way. I hurredly parked my truck and ran into the museum, when I was greeted by Lori Perkins, the museum Curator here. She had long black hair pulled back into a pony tail and was wearing a striped blue and white shirt, and black jeans, she had a worried look on her face, which made me worry.

"Hi Lori" I said gasping for breth.
"I have something to show you" She said.

I fowoled Lori to the back of the museum, which was the old sheriff's office, now decorated with guns, safes, and wanted posters, led me out the door and on to the old gallows, which was a popular place in the museum, and led me down the steps to the ground, where I saw a man, a man I wished I would never see again. His name? Michael Blessing.

"Oh no, oh gosh no" I whispered under my breth.
Last edited by redneckgirl91 on Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:41 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2831
Reviews 170
Hey there. Let me just say I think you've got a nice little story going on here. I really think with a bit of work it could be really good.

A few thing I wanted to point out:

I think you repeat yourself too much.

As I walked down the steps of my mothers western styled home, I wiped my unbrushed shoulder length brown hair out of my blue eyes.

Right here you mention the western styled home right?

"I'll go get my Pickup ready." I said walking out of my mother's western styled kitchen

Then you say western styled kitchen. Isn't that kind of obvious since it is a western styled home?

Also, use more synonyms for your words. It helps the reader not get bored with the repetition of the same word.

I also think you should spread out your details and information a bit. You sorta tell us everything at once, but don't change anything on my word.

One last thing, you've got a few spelling errors. I'd point them out but I don't have the time.


Hope that helps. :D




Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."

"My desires were bestial, obviously." -Jeffery Dahmer.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6090
Reviews 1258
Hey, RedNeckGirl!

Welcome to the site. ^_^ I hope you like hanging round here- it's quite a fun place to be, and everyone's really cool. If you've ever got questions, pick a random membor and PM them...everyone's nice.

Ready for a critique? It's kind of tough to take criticism when you first start out writing, but it really does help you get better. I'll be easy on you. ^_~

I really did like the setting- the wild west! How cool! And to be a museum guard is just, you know, awesome.

But I think you struck gold with the cancer thing. There are a lot of people who could relate to that, and that's only going to make your story more important to them.

Important's good, right?

A few things I thought you could do to make it better, though:

- Don't feel like you have to desribe everything right away.

As I walked down the steps of my mothers western styled home, I wiped my unbrushed shoulder length brown hair out of my blue eyes.


Here's the thing- a lot of writers will tell you they don't even really like to do character description because they feel like it's too limiting. You know how if you read a Stephen King book or something, and it's really scary, but then you go and watch the movie and it's not so much?

That's the same thing. Your readers are pretty independent; they'll come up with the most horrifying thing they can think up. Hollywood film crews are lazier. Their idea of scary isn't as much.

For example- I've got a really, really gorgeous guy in my current story, but yet...I don't describe him all that much. Why? I know I'm going to make it all soppy and cliche if I do, for one, and second, it's just not as personal. My idea of hot might not be your idea of hot, and so going on about how he looks and how that affects his life...people are bound to go, "And why make all that fuss over THAT ugly bloke?"

So, by not telling us about her brown hair and blue eyes, we get to make our own picture. It's tough to do at first, but if you can wean yourself off of description, it leaves room for more impact.

If you absolutely MUST have description of her, though- if she's got a Harry Potter trait, like a lightning bolt scar that's uber important- spread it out throughout your story. Her eye color there, a mention of the way she stands there...it'll make things more interesting and varied.

-
"It's your Aunt Kate." My mother told me. "She has Lung Cancer"
"Dad's sister?" I asked
"Yes" My mother simply said.


One of the meanest, nastiest things a writer can do is make the readers feel. It's a good nasty, though- it's what's supposed to happen. You don't often cry at a bad movie, do you?

You've an amazing opportunity for tears here, but it needs a little work before we see that.

A few tips:

- Make sure we get a character reaction. Does her face 'fall'? Does she try not to cry? Does her voice stutter a little?

- Does she make any connections to her father? I'd be really, really sad if there was another person and the death had happened just months earlier.

- Make sure that you deliver it with your best dialogue. "It's lung cancer" is okay, but to make it dramatic, do something like this combined with your other elements [reaction, and all of that]:

Her mom kept her eyes focused on her shoes. "Your aunt called," she said.

"Why?"

"It's...it's lung cancer."


That's not exactly a great example, but I used a stutter, some body language, and a pause. That way, my readers will have to slow down a little and enjoy the moment. ^_~

__

Since you're new to this whole crazy thing, a few tips on writing in general:

- Read a ton. Read fiction, read articles about writing fiction, read anything you can get your hands on. It doesn't matter what genre or how good it is; you can often learn more things from badly written books that well written ones. Well written ones are...you know. More fun to read. XD

- Write a lot, as well. Write character sketches, scripts, short stories, novels- anything that gets you writing. I know this advice falls on deaf ears a lot, because you get stuck- but when you stop worrying about how good something is and just practice, you often get really good bits mixed it. Just keep going.

- Find your writing habits. Do you write best at night? In the morning? At your desk? On the floor? Outside? When you know what works for you, the words come a lot more easily.

Thank you for the good read, RedNeckGirl. ^_^ Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions- storywise, forumwise. I'd be happy to chat.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Hello and welcome to YWS! :D A couple of things, before I begin the critique. First of all, if you want this story to be on the front page (and you know you do, so that other people will be hooked into this story at once) you need to rate it appropriately. Then it will appear on the front page and catch some critiquer's eye. I'm rating it for you, but next story, be sure to do it yourself. ;)

Second of all, you need to be careful about grammar and spelling here. We have a lot of critiquers who would love to go through and pick out every single grammar and spelling error of your story... and then forget the other aspects of writing, such as characters and plot, because they're too exhausted with pointing out errors. Don't let this happen to you! Learn grammar (here's a helpful site: http://www.bartleby.com/141/ ) and always proofread your work before. ;)

Sam's pretty much covered the character reactions already, so I'm going to do the plot. In the beginning, you have to hook us as soon as you can, and this means that you have to give us a conflict that grabs us at once. You tried several conflicts to grab us in, but you're not focused on any one of them. For instance, there's the aunt who has cancer, the trip, and then Michael Blessing. But you haven't really focused on anyone, so it seems kind of loose.

Focus on one conflict and make it sparkle. That way, we'll have something to look forward to. :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss