Maybe

will you ever have the guts to figure it out?
sometimes everything melts and turns out the same....
maybe you want me, maybe you need me
maybe you just don't know it yet
maybe i just can't get over the impossible you.
its hard to accept but its true.
but then again i love the hardest things to get...
maybe its the right thing to want in you.
maybe im dreaming for the impossible
maybe you hate me and im believing a lie.
fall away from the realistic things
away from our strange past
maybe im better at getting you to pay attention
maybe youv'e never noticed me at all.
maybe all those times i thought you were looking at me was a lie.
or maybe i let it die

when did u write this? uh-well...loves it! for some reason this makes me thiunk of robert *laughs* then again what am i always thinking about? lol

Now, I'm all for breaking convention in poetry--as long as there's a good reason for it. If you can coherently explain why you chose not to capitalize any of the lines or the word "i," then I'm more than happy to see that you've chosen to do so. Note: a good reason does not include anything along the lines of, "I always write that way," "It just felt right," "I think it looks better," or "Other writers do that, too."

This poem wasn't bad. It certainly wasn't spectacular. It was a solid piece of poetry and probably would have done well in your average high school literary mag, but there's nothing at all that makes it stand out in my mind. It's not the subject, either--deity knows enough poets have tackled this subject, but there's still more to be discovered/discussed in its regards. The thing is--you have to do it in an original manner. Make the reader, who's probably just skimming over it, stop and think, Wait--I really want to read this one. Make them want to read it over and over again.

How? Try using different images. Try using stronger verbs and nouns. Instead of "walk," say "shuffle" or "traipse." Instead of "wish" perhaps use "invocation," "yen," or "hankering." See how much more colorful those choices are? They won't do anything but strengthen your poetry. =)

I'd advocate for punctuation not just at the end of the sentence, but in the middle too. This gives it a sense of tone, like when you speak, how you pause and your inflection are like [are] punctuation, and without any, you'd be speaking in a monotone.

I think you have one refrain of "maybe"s too many. I'd reword the set in the middle. I liked the ending. It was nice, coming right from the refrain.

I'm going to echo Fand and say give your poem an orange for vitamin C and see where the language takes you

*Ignore my previous post*

When did you write this?! Why wasn't I notified!? We're on the phone 24/7 and you never told me about this! *Laughs* Just kidding. I don't think it was your best poem by no means...It makes me think of Robert...Then again, when am I not thinking of Robert? You know what you should do?You should post the one, you know what I'm talking about...That one...I think it's called "Kiasis High Priest Above Me" or something like that. Back to your poem...I think you should take out the last line and continue the poem. If you're like me you probably got bored with it or couldn't think of anything else to say so you ended it. It was a very abrupt ending. I guess what I'm trying to say is.....FINISH IT! I know you can...I know you and SlimJim (Jimmy) have these problems. *Robert Laugh* Sorry, if I was mean or anything I'm kinda in a bitchy mood and I'm bored.

How? Try using different images. Try using stronger verbs and nouns. Instead of "walk," say "shuffle" or "traipse." Instead of "wish" perhaps use "invocation," "yen," or "hankering." See how much more colorful those choices are? They won't do anything but strengthen your poetry. =)

yay, I can continue from when Fand left off, for a change. This poem describes the uncertainty, but there's not a lot of life in that description; we don't know about the situation or the people involved. I'd like to get a sense of the 'characters' - the narrator, and the mysterious person in the shadows that's making them doubt. What is this person like? Why do you want them so much? How do they act that's bedazzling, befuddling, bewitching? And why should I care?

You need to make that uncertainty come alive -- and this is most often [and well] done with metaphor and imagery. this article/exercise might be helpful.

I like this poem alot

One thing i'd sugest is to put capital letters in there, but people have already said that, anyways...

My favorite bit is this, as i think it flows nicely,

maybe all those times i thought you were looking at me was a lie.
or maybe i let it die

:]

Hi hon.

Capitalize your "i's" or it seems sloppy. And get rid of all the teen angst, it isn't working.

I am encouraged to see that you haven't been fussed by the conventions of poetry. No crappy rhymes here! I'm also encouraged by the free-style verse.

I'll have to agree with most of the previous posts...I liked it a lot. But, like Fand, it doesn't really stand out in my mind. You would do weel to have a more expanded vocabulary, it seems like you're saying most of the same workds over and over again, which doesn't really let us readers do a lot of inagining. We want to relate to your poems, not be slightly bored. The concept is great, but making it more...wordier would help. ANd capitalization makes it look less sloppy. Put some effort into it, and you'll get there.

I hope this helped somewhat. It really is a good start, but work will make it better. It helps to spens a lot of time and thinking on your poems, this one looks very random.

[Caitlin]