A Single Rose on Water

Okay! I've done some editing to the first stanza, and, well, it's not perfect, but gone is the dreaded "quake" line. I'm still not at all sure of the stanza in whole, but tell me what you think. All apologies that I haven't touched the end of line punctuation, but with poems, well, I just never seem to get it right!

A Single Rose on Water

A single rose floats on the lake,
In deepest red of passion's grace,
With complex form and simple make,
It leaves soft ripples in its wake,
Upon the water's serene face.

I sigh amid the evening light,
And watch the rose's slender form,
So lightly dancing left and right,
And gently floating in my sight,
A peaceful image, soft and warm.

I gaze across and voice my dreams,
In wistful forethought to the rose,
I know the world's more than it seems,
More than bright stars and soft moonbeams,
But how much more, still no one knows.

A single rose floats gently by,
Perhaps too gently, some might say,
But if the thorns don't catch my eye,
I'll waste no breath in asking why,
And live and love another day.

I thought that was really good. The only thing I could find to critique was:

Shasta wrote:A single rose floats gently by,
Perhaps too gently, some might say,

Why too gently? I don't quite understand that bit.

But that was all I could catch, so great job.

Some of the imagery in this poem was beautiful and I love the message behind it. Line four is out of rhythm though. It needs an extra syllable so that it doesn't disrupt the flow but other than that, I thought it was really good.

Your punctuation is perhaps a little off though. You seem to use too many commas. I wouldn't have a comma at the end of the first line in any of the first three stanzas. Perhaps read it through and remove a couple of them.

Also, I wasn't fond on the line 'It gently trembles with a quake, ' because it sounds rather forced. No line should be written just to fit your rhyme and rhythm but it feels like that's what you've done here. The line after it is nice though so certainly keep that one but perhaps make a list of words that rhyme with wake (make, lake, fake, take...) and see if you can improve the line.

Altogether, a really pretty poem so well done.

Thanks to both of you for your comments and constructive criticism.
This poem is subject to individual interpretation, and the line "Perhaps too gently, some might say" could be considered a metaphor for the pace of life, or many other things I'm sure. I like my poems to mean something individual but equally beautiful to each person who reads them.
Oh, and the fourth line definitely needs an extra syllable, I completely agree. Actually, in the original version I had written "Leaving soft ripples in its wake" but I somehow changed that and lost that extra word, so I'll be sure to add that back in.
As for the punctuation, I never write my poems with it included, and, well, it's likely to be a bit choppy. I agree that it could use some changes. Perhaps a period would work after the second line of most of the stanzas? In any event, I'll work on that.
And of all the lines, "It gently trembles with a quake" was probably the one I was least sure of. Thank you for pointing out to me that that particular line doesn't seem to quite flow with the poem. I'll take a look at that.

Again, thank you, both of you. I really do appreciate it!

I love it, it's really beautiful. Put an apostrophe in "passions", to show posession. I'd change "in my" to "into". I'd omit "bright' before "stars", as it makes the line too long.I'd say "No one can no" instead of "still no one knows".The last three lines were great, your rhyme was skillful, and your imagery was gorgeous.

Abaab... cdccd...? I'm impressed, that's the first time I've seen that here.

Shasta wrote:It gently trembles with a quake,

I know this is for the purposes of rhyming, but I feel like it's redundant - sort of like if you had said "it loudly shouts with a yell."

More than bright stars and soft moonbeams,

I'm not sure how this, erm, "scans," for lack of a better term. I have to remind my brain not to put the accent on the first syllable. I usually wouldn't point this out, but the rest of the poem reads so well I don't have anything else to blather on about.

A single rose floats gently by,
Perhaps too gently, some might say,
But if the thorns don't catch my eye,
I'll waste no breath in asking why,
And live and love another day.

I really like this last stanza. It's very pretty, and could perhaps be a little more subtle in its message, but over all it's a nice way to end the poem. Your imagery is a little simple sometimes - there isn't really anything exotic or new - but I think that in this case it sort of "clicks," because it's not meant to be anything more than what it is. You have some beautiful lines here, and the meter flows very well - pat yourself on the back.

I really, really loved the imagery and the rhyme scheme in this. It was beautiful, imo. I could see the rose on the water, and everything =]

But I still want more and I'm not sure what more I want from it. Maybe more meaning? For your age (I'm going to be judgmental saying this ^_~) it's amazing. So, I can't really critique it too much, because I did enjoy it.

I really liked this. Overall it was great.

It gently trembles with a quake,
Leaving soft ripples in its wake,

These lines are the only thing I had a problem with. They sounded a little awkward to me. I'm not sure why though.

In deepest red of passions grace,

Maybe someone's pointed this out already, but "passions" needs an apostrophe.

I agree with Claudette on this. This is a very impressive poem, especially considering your age, and stylistically, it's amazing: flowing, lyrical lines, vivid, beautiful imagery, and a well-done rhyme scheme. The symbol of a rose is kinda cliché, but I still liked it here. Kudos!

However, this seemed a bit... fluffy? Like it was more style than substance, I guess. Kind of like... cotton candy. It's sweet and delicious, but when you're done it doesn't leave you feeling full and satisfied, like after eating... stew?

Okay, so that was a reeeeally bad metaphor. >_< *head/desk* But do you see what I'm trying to say? Sorry I'm not very specific.

Anyway, I enjoyed this and look forward to reading more of your work.

I like this. Very emotional...

I'm not too sure about some of the things in it though... I also wonder why it would be too gently?

It made me read it slowly, I think so that it lasted longer. I enjoyed this alot, and with a little improvement and explaination, I'm sure it would be even better.

=]

Shasta,


This is a good exercise in metered verse and demonstrates a gentle control on syllabic count (though certain lines still irk).

After that, however, it fails to deliver anything of relative substance, though sometimes such is not the intention.


Best,
Brad

I really like it. And surprise! This is one of the few poem I've seen where the rhyming works and doesn't sound forced or kiddish (dog, hog for example.) The only line I really don't like is the second one in the third verse. It breaks the vibe.

This is pretty. Edit it, if you must, but as it is, it's a lovely poem.

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful critiques and comments. I'll make sure to take everything that was said into consideration.