The Masquerade That Never Ends

All critiques are appreciated, good or bad please!


Every ending seems to be another beginning in my life and the ending that started them all was when Mother died. It has been seven years now, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I remember the smell, her smell, it was a cheap perfume that she had worn for as long as I could remember. I can remember the taste of the last meal we had together, it was a simple meal. Peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, but even to this day I still can't eat them without tears coming to my eyes. I can remember the warmth of her skin as she laid next to me on the blanket in our backyard. However, I distinctly remember the sound of her voice, always full of compassion and radiance.

The old oak tree was the only shade my mother and I had from the heat of the gleaming sun. We were laying on a blanket in our backyard and waiting for my father's arrival.

He was, as usual, running later from a meeting at work. My father may as well have been married to work because that was all he seemed to care about. He was very rarely home and paid little attention to Mother and I. I could tell that my parents were having problems. Almost every night that my father was home I could hear them yelling at each other, then the front door would slam, and the engine to my father's Eclipse would rev up and he would be long gone by the time I would run to the window to wave goodbye. The only problem was that then I didn't know how much of a problem that there was between the two of them.

As we laid there my mother brought out the two peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches she had already made, leaving the third in the basket just in case my father didn't show up. The cordless phone that my mother had brought outside earlier began to ring and she answered it in her usual peppy voice, "Hello?"

Her usual glowing face immediately became enraged and it was at that moment that I knew that my father was on the other line. She began to yell and question my father and the expression on her face was unlike any I had ever seen. She looked as if she was disappointed, however, missing a family activity was a usual thing for him.

She hung up the receiver without even saying goodbye and looked at me with tears in her eyes.In an audible whisper, she got down on her knees and took me in her arms, saying, "Aurora, honey, there is something wrong with your father and we need to leave the house right now."

Very nice. Great voice in this piece.

I think you broke it in a weird spot, because obviously there is more, yes? The opening line is very creative and engaging. Very nice play on words.

I think you should put more into the argument between the mother and the father on the phone--right now you're just telling us they're angry,a dn I think you could benefit from some further description, maybe some dialog, or even just the mother's half of it.

Well done, I'll keep an eye out for your next post.

--Hunter

This was nice... I only had a problem with flow and word choice in some areas (sort of), but I made note of those...

"Every ending seems to be another beginning in my life and the ending that started them all was when Mother died."
Feel as if there is too much in one sentence. I would break up the clauses and make two different sentences, removing the "and" in the middle.

"I remember the smell, her smell, it was a cheap perfume that she had worn for as long as I could remember."
I think "the smell" kind of puts a damper on a good sentence. I think it should be taken out.

"Peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, but even to this day I still can't eat them without tears coming to my eyes."
Again, I think you should break this apart... putting a period after "Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" and taking out the but.

"However, I distinctly remember the sound of her voice, always full of compassion and radiance."
I would take out "However"... it just doesn't fit because you're not contadicting anything.

"She looked as if she was disappointed, however, missing a family activity was a usual thing for him."
Again, I don't think "however" fits here.. I think you should replace it with "even though".

Ahhh! You can't leave it on this cliffhanger!

I mean, it looks as if it's going to be more to the story, and then it just... stops. And that's not good because it's an engaging little piece and should be completed at once. Because cliffhangers are good, but I want to read more.

Anyway, stylistically, it is sound, except for a couple of sentences that are run on. I can appreciate some of them for the airiness of it all and the dramatic effect it creates, but you can only do it so much.

For example, this:

I remember the smell, her smell, it was a cheap perfume that she had worn for as long as I could remember.

...is a run on sentence. To make it not run on, you might try splitting it up. Maybe:

I remember the smell, her smell. It was a cheap perfume that she had worn for as long as I could remember.

Anyway, love the story and I want to see what happens next, so post the next section.

Every ending seems to be another beginning in my life and the ending that started them all was when Mother died. It has been seven years now, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I love the first sentence; it grants an immediate and distinguishable voice to the narrator, which is one of the most important things in first-person narrative. The second, though? Cliche alert! Oh dear. How many times have you heard someone say that, "I remember it like it was yesterday?" Too many, I'll wager. Personally, when I hear someone say something like that, I can't help but roll my eyes. It's all right to use cliches in dialogue, if it's in character for the speaker--but otherwise, avoid like the plague! I mean, it's iffy when you get to first person, because if it's someone telling the story isn't it technically all dialogue--? But still. I'm sure you can see what I'm driving at. ^~

I remember the smell, her smell, it was a cheap perfume that she had worn for as long as I could remember.

As Snoink pointed out, this is quite the lovely little run-on you've got here. I'd suggest recasting it differently, though: more like, "I remember her smell, the smell of cheap perfume. She had worn it for as long as I could remember."

I can remember the taste of the last meal we had together, it was a simple meal. Peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, but even to this day I still can't eat them without tears coming to my eyes. I can remember the warmth of her skin as she laid next to me on the blanket in our backyard. However, I distinctly remember the sound of her voice, always full of compassion and radiance.

The first sentence of this segment is also a run-on. You can cure it easily by replacing the comma with a semicolon--that way you don't even have to change any of the wording! "Peanutbutter" should be "Peanut butter." I don't really like this second sentence at all, actually--it seems a little overdramatic. I mean, I understand where the narrator's coming from--but you don't want to gag the reader on angst.

However, I distinctly remember the sound of her voice, always full of compassion and radiance.

Lesson of the day: proper usage of the word "however." However is one of the most commonly-abused words in the English language--it's something of a doormat, really. Just takes the abuse and lets later speakers make the same mistakes, often without realizing that they're just traumatizing the poor word even further. However should never be used to begin a sentence--it's bad form!--but should be placed halfway through, after the first verb. This, therefore, would be: "I distinctly remember, however, the sound of her voice, always full of compassion and radiance."

The worst part about this is, your abuse of "however" is completely unnecessary! Stop picking on the poor thing already. "However" is roughly equivalent to "but," which means that it's refuting something. What is the narrator refuting by saying that she remembers her mother's voice? If she had said she didn't remember either her mother's smell, or their last meal, or her warmth, then using "however" would make sense. Here though? It's a no-go.

He was, as usual, running later from a meeting at work. My father may as well have been married to work because that was all he seemed to care about. He was very rarely home and paid little attention to Mother and I. I could tell that my parents were having problems. Almost every night that my father was home I could hear them yelling at each other, then the front door would slam, and the engine to my father's Eclipse would rev up and he would be long gone by the time I would run to the window to wave goodbye. The only problem was that then I didn't know how much of a problem that there was between the two of them.

As we laid there my mother brought out the two peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches she had already made, leaving the third in the basket just in case my father didn't show up. The cordless phone that my mother had brought outside earlier began to ring and she answered it in her usual peppy voice, "Hello?"

Her usual glowing face immediately became enraged and it was at that moment that I knew that my father was on the other line.

Hm. Enraged seems like a little too strong for even a marital dispute. I see the word enraged, I think: berserk, fury, madness. Not madness as in anger, but madness as in--well--lunacy. Like, driven to madness by anger. Anyway. Perhaps a somewhat milder word would be more in character? I have a hard time picturing this woman, who has been portrayed so far as a gentle, loving mother, getting that furious so quickly. Oh, and scrap the "immediately."

She hung up the receiver without even saying goodbye and looked at me with tears in her eyes.In an audible whisper, she got down on her knees and took me in her arms, saying, "Aurora, honey, there is something wrong with your father and we need to leave the house right now."

Two spaces between the first and second sentences! In the second sentence: delete "in an audible whisper." First of all, you're applying that description to the act of her kneeling and hugging Aurora. How can one get down on her knees in an audible whisper? Keep the whispering bit--replace "saying" in that same sentence with "whispering," and you've retained all the meaning of the first draft of the sentence, while clarifying it.

And... it ended.

Why?

O_o

Yes. This should be longer. It's good as it is, but you could develop it so much further, and the cliffhanger comes so soon that I don't find it so much intriguing as annoying.

Despite all my nitpicks, however (HA!), this really is an interesting little sketch; I look forward to seeing where it goes, and hope you can find an original direction to take it. =)

Nice! I liked it! Here are my comments and critique:

I liked the first sentence. It was sort of philosophical, in a way--every end is a new beginning. You told us she died--but the problem is that you used a cliche when saying so. It's not that bad, using a cliche, but maybe you could have said something else. It bothered me a little. (still remember it as if it was yesterday).

We were laying on a blanket in our backyard and waiting for my father's arrival.

This is the second time you said you were lying on the blanket. Take away that part and there will also be sentence variety. Say "We were waiting for our father's variety, and as usual he was running late."

I loved how you said you remembered the day your mother died and then leave us right on the edge. But it's a very short chapter. So maybe add some more. For example, the rage your mother had while talking on the phone should be enlarged into a fuming madness. Add physical characteristics to her--you could still feel the silkiness of her hair as she stood up from the blanket, that was the last time you touched her--be creative!

The piece itself is beautifully written. You are gifted with unique voices, too!

Wow, Thank you all I loved your critiques. I am about to edit it and am adding a bit more so it isn't such a terrible cliff hanger, I just wanted to see if anyone liked it before I went on. Your honesty truly helps and I hope to make it more similar to how you are painting it in my mind. Thank you all...