Fly Away

Leave at midnight
Vanish into the particles of the moon
Soar above the moon; a divine metamorphosis
Drop by the river
Let it all go
Buried in a river
Deleted from one's memory
Cleansed in the rivers

If you ever feel like coming back home,
Go ahead and fly back over the mountains
Free of burden and pain

For now we wait by the ocean
For the tides to erode us back to the center of universes
To dissolve into the night sky
And on that day, we shall ascend at midnight

Beautiful poem, but it can use a look-over.

In the first stanza, I feel the words "moon" and "river" is overused. It disrupted the rhythm and flow of the poem. The imagery used throughout this stanza is well-chosen and has feeling.

The second stanza makes me feel of release, maybe of a weight on your shoulders. I'd say the second stanza is my favorite. =)

The second stanza reminded of my of bats (I have no idea why), but the word "universes" kinda stopped me for a second. I think making it singular would help it so much better.

Overall, I adore this poem. =)

Mel

Punctuation! It needs it: Poetry & Punctuation.

The last stanza reminds me of the line from one of Enigma's song: Let's hope one day we'll rest in peace on the my rivers of belief.

I don't really like poems that are all nature and things like this is, or it's so... hmmm I'm not sure of the word. They seem kind of purposeless, I suppose because there isn't much life [humans] in it. But I can't dislike this much, it's not like it was poorly written. But if I can suggest anything, add more imagery.

I don't really like poems that are all nature and things like this is, or it's so... hmmm I'm not sure of the word. They seem kind of purposeless, I suppose because there isn't much life [humans] in it. But I can't dislike this much, it's not like it was poorly written. But if I can suggest anything, add more imagery.

I think with poems like this imagery can really add 'character' to the places described; with the right description, something inhuman can take on a life of its own. Describing the rivers seems like an important task for revision, here; they get repeated and are important, but I don't know much about them and can't get a sense of where I am.

Tempest like... . However I can't understand the subtleties and metaphor of poetry I do like this poem, it really had, whats the word... Feeling? Character? Hmm... Anyways in my opinion this poem was well written and once again me like .

I liked this. I enjoyed the idea that you are using rivers and seas as a form of, "getting rid" or "cleansing" memories away.

But I agree with MelodiCatastrophe about the usage of the words "moon" and "river". Maybe proofread before you post, or get someone else to. I struggle with things like this, so I always check to see if it makes sense.

But still, great idea!

thethinkerofthoughts wrote:You must leave at midnight and
Vanish into the particles (1) of the moon.
[s]Soar above the moon;[/s] (2)It is a divine metamorphosis.
¶
[s]Drop[/s] Stop by the river
Let it all go(3)
Buried in a riverbank
[s]Deleted[/s] Erased from [s]one's[/s] your memory
Cleansed in the rivers (4)

If you ever feel like coming back home,
[s]Go ahead and [/s]Fly back over the mountains.
[s]Free of burden and pain[/s]

[s]For now[/s] Until then we wait by the ocean
For the tides to erode us [s]back to the center of universes[/s] into nothingness.
[s]To dissolve into the night sky[/s]
And on that day, we shall ascend at midnight.(5)

You caught me at a good time; I really got into this. (Or, er, maybe you caught me at a bad time. I guess that's for you to decide.)

1. I'm not sure I like the word "particles" here. D'you mean, like, light particles? In that case, maybe "vanish into of moonlight" would be more appropriate? (The word "particles" is harsh and science-y; it doesn't seem to flow with the feeling of the poem.)

2. I didn't like "soar above the moon" for two reasons. One is word repetition. Two is internal logic: turn into moonlight(?) and soar above the moon? It's strange. I'd either take it out, or change the line to something about stars, maybe?

3. I think "let it all go" could use some elaboration, and some concrete imagery. What are we letting go? Memories? If that's the case, say it!

4. These two lines need explaining. What are you "deleting" from your memory, an what is being cleansed? It works into #3.

5. "On that day at midnight" is awkward. It is the calendar day, yes, but something about "that day at midnight" sounds strange. I wish I could offer you a better alternative. Maybe "when you return"?

*

Overall, I like the idea of this. I like it a lot. The ending was sad, though. I got the image of leaving home, and then returning - but when you return, the people waiting for you vanish into the night sky? That seems sad. I liked it better when they were just waiting by the ocean; the rest of the poem was sad in a way that I didn't like. (That, of course, is just a matter of personal opinion, though.)

(italics: I'm not sure if I'd add this or not; it's just an idea. Well, the whole edit is just an idea. These are even less of an idea.)