a broken blue

sometimes the stars sing songs;
they sing of
days hope had wings
and sometimes the sky keeps secrets;
never speaks of
days of stolen memories

she thinks of the years, mother earth.
she remembers
when seconds were cherished,
when hearts could love
she thinks, she remembers, she cries
and is silent.

oh, the pink and purple sky at sunset
always seems to sigh
as the bluejays whisper
a sorrowful song
the simple moments pass by, as if magic
and we never seem to believe

sometimes i wonder
how days seem to fly
why we never cry
over what nature never forgets.

Hm... this poem had some really beautifully simple images, especially here:

sometimes the stars sing songs;
they sing of
days hope had wings
and sometimes the sky keeps secrets;
never speaks of
days of stolen memories

I like the idea of the sky keeping secrets. Hope having wings is something that's been done before, so that image could use some development or elaboration - what kind of wings? How does it fly? any other descriptions? Also, "stolen memories" is a bit vague and a bit used as well. This is another case of tighter, more precise description doing worlds for originality. Who stole the memories, for instance?

she thinks of the years, mother earth.
she remembers
when seconds were cherished,
when hearts could love
[s]she thinks, she remembers, she cries
and is silent. [/s]

The crossed-out lines give a framework for events but there's no connection to them; I can't feel for her remembering and crying and then falling silent; it's just there, it happens, but none of the feelings involved are conveyed to me. I think if we got some of the specifics of her memories, that would help; we'd know why they are so special and so sad, but at the moment we have to infer that they are.

oh, the pink and purple sky at sunset
always seems to sigh
as the bluejays whisper
a sorrowful song
the simple moments pass by, as if magic
and we never seem to believe

The first three lines of this stanza make up a very pretty image. I think the magic of L5 here might be explored some more.

sometimes i wonder
how days seem to fly
why we never cry
over what nature never forgets.

Rhyme intentional? since it seems like it might be forced, it detracts a bit from the ending, though it might tie things up nicely if it can be reworked to sound natural [forced rhyme never sounds good, though accidental and natural-sounding rhyme in an otherwise rhymeless piece can work ... it's just tricky]

Thanks for the critique of my stuff. I agree with most of what has been said previously about this poem in part, but I don't like to be too critical or picky, esp. about poetry, because it's a wonderful poem. You can almost hear her thinking.... But yes, I don't like to be to harsh as it's your poem and it's great. For me, some of the more unorthodox poems are the better ones.

It might be helpful to start each line with a capital letter so you know where each line starts, like on the longer ones, but I suppose because they're thoughts each line runs into another. And about repetition, when people have thoughts rushing through their head they often think of the same thinks over and over again esp. if they're anxious so it can be fine in some instances.

The whole "thoughts rushing through one's mind" is similar to some of my poems. I guess my username gives that away! I'll look out for later stuff from you.

I don't really have anything to critique! I really love the simple yet vivid imagery here. As Thinker suggested, you could capitalize the first letters of each line, but that's not a big deal. The lack of punctuation didn't distract from the poem, but it didn't add to it either; I'm assuming the lack of capitals was meant to make it more poetic?

The only other thing that struck me as odd was this line:

"as the bluejays whisper"

It's a pretty line, but have you ever heard a blue jay? They actually have a very loud. raucous, rather obnoxious call.

Otherwise, lovely work. Keep writing!

Haha, I had no idea. About the bluejays, I mean. I may need to do research for this poem to find a more suitable bird =D Thanks for the tip!

Mel

After careful revising, here's the final product -

Sometimes the stars sing songs-
they sing of
days hope still had wings
And sometimes the sky keeps secrets-
never speaks of
years of forgotten memories.

She thinks of the years, mother earth.
She remembers
when seconds were cherished,
when hearts could love..
She thinks, she remembers, she cries
and is silent.

And the pink and purple sky at sunset
always seems to sigh..
as the tree swallows whisper
a sorrowful song
The precious moments pass by, an illusion-
but we never seem to believe

Sometimes I wonder
how days seem to fly-
why we never weep
over what nature never forgets.

(Please leave comments if this revision needs work as well..)

hmmm Add punctuation.

they sing of
days where hope still had wings

And sometimes the sky keeps secrets-
it never speaks of
years of forgotten memories.

It seemed like you were missing words there...

I didn't really like this, but I can't figure out why. At first I liked the alliteration of s but then it just got annoying. I don't know, it just didn't... work for me. I think it was too abstract? Or perhaps I'm having a bad poetry reading night.

I'd add punctuation and capital letters. I'd say "days when hope had wings", as I think it flows better.The last stanza was jerky.I'd scrap it and rewrite it altogether.You had some good alliteration here, which suited the theme and made it melodious.My favourite stanza was the third one, as your imagery was at its most vivid here,and I really enjoyed the third and fourth lines of this verse.