It would be highly appreciated if someone could critique this for me. It's the first of quite a few chapters. It's in Fantasy despite it being Historical in nature because it is really a Historical Fantasy story. Hopefully someone will be able to help me.
Rated for the entire story, not just this chapter. (It's a Young Adult story, so I didn't know what level to give it.)
~ Mythic Writing.
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PROLOGUE I
HEAVENLY ISSUES
Atlantean Year: 15th Day of Relaxing, 5236th Year past Destruction
Egyptian Year: 1st Day of Djewhty, 2084th Year past Conquest
Kilan Year: 17th Day of Awakening, 1806th Year past Founding
Modern Year: 21st June 2055
"AND YOU THINK YOU COULD do better!"
I'll wipe that smug look off your face, Yahweh, you'll see. The black-clad goddess looks Yahweh straight in the eye and stands her ground, ignoring Yahweh's robed worshippers crowding around her feet.
The pair are standing in a room made to look like a kingdom of clouds. It's pierced by golden rays of sunshine, making the clouds around them glow like sunset. Around the pair of divine beings are many people, followers of Yahweh, seeing to the god's egotistical whims and simply doting upon Him. They are dressed in robes, jeans or clergymen's outfits, and look to be from all walks of life, from all the ages in the Human Realms' history.
"Oh, I'm sure you have a bright idea up your rather deep sleeve," Yahweh leans back in his seat, still laughing, though it has subsided a little.
I sure do, you twit! The goddess brushes away an offering hand and storms forward.
"Right. And I'm God." Yahweh starts laughing again.
The goddess raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow, still frowning, and stares at him. Yahweh sees the look on the goddess' face and his laughter stops suddenly. "What?"
And I'm God! You didn't think that through, did you?
Yahweh looks put out. "Saliah."
Saliah-ette. Be politically correct, or the humans will be after more than an audience with you when they pass on. They're very touchy about it. The goddess smiles and waves away another worshipper.
"What's your idea?" Yahweh sighs and slumps in his cushioned chair looking around his cloudy, skyward area in the Gods' Realms.
I send someone back to the turning point in the Humans' Realms' history, and the person can see if they can point the humans back in the right direction. The goddess starts to wave away another tray bearere, but sees what's on the tray. Oooh, apples, haven't had one in --
"Hang on, you're not sending someone down there! The last time I sent someone down, they killed him!"
The goddess rolls her eyes and looks sideways at Yahweh. That was after the turning point towards darker times! And it was your man! Maybe mine will –
"Stop that thought right there!" Yahweh sits on the edge of the seat, interrupting the Wise Crone before she could think it. "Just because it was my man doesn't mean that yours will be different! How will he fit in? How will he make –"
She.
"What?"
She. I will be sending down a woman, as males have a tendency to do everything the hard way, show off and generally make a mess of things that are quite simple to do. She adds silently, and fix, for that manner.
"Show me one time that men have done something rash that women could have handled."
I could name three.
"Don't be a saliah-ette. Show me two."
The goddess holds up her right palm. In it she holds a ball of dark light. Let's try the first two ''World Wars" that men caused and women could have avoided. I won't show you the last one. The goddess shudders. A worse Apocalypse I couldn't imagine if I wanted to.
The light spreads out around Yahweh's head until it covers all his senses. When the light disperses, he shakes his head and asks, "And how would the women have handled them? Tell me, or rather show me, that, Keridwen."
Keridwen, the goddess, holds up her other hand and allows the first white light to surround Yahweh's head.
When it eventually vanishes, Yahweh starts laughing so hard he falls off his chair. Rolling on the floor, Yahweh composes himself enough to ask, "Is that the way your women would have handled it? Negotiations over a supper!" He falls to the floor laughing again.
Laugh all you want, but the first war wouldn't have happened, making the subsequent second and third ones fail too, as the men's wives, girlfriends, companions, lovers…whoever, would have kept all you incompetent men under control and away from the other power-hungry delinquents that caused it! Keridwen sits down on Yahweh's chair and makes herself comfortable.
Yahweh sighs. "I take it you're going down there, no matter what I say, aren't you?"
Yes.
"You won't be alone, though, I'm sending someone down with you."
No, I don't need an esc – Hang on. How did you know I was planning to go down there myself?
Yahweh points to his head, "There's a reason they call me all-knowing, you know."
Whatever. Keridwen rolls her amber eyes that suddenly light up with excitement. I'd best go fix myself up for my re-birth. I haven't had one in millennia, and it's quite exciting! You should try it one day! Keridwen strides to the door and, before Yahweh can say anything, walks out.
Yahweh sighs and calls out for Archangel Michael. Michael flies in the window on his white-feathered wings and hovers in front of Yahweh, bowing a few times.
"Am I to follow Keridwen to the Humans' Realms?" he asked.
"Were you listening?" Yahweh asked, looking enquiringly at the Messenger for his religion.
"Only…a lot," Michael rubs the back of his neck, then looks brighter. "I am, aren't I?"
"No. I would like you to get Diana for me."
"Why a woman? Wait, you're not exactly Head God yet. You know Ra is. His religion has lasted the longest, longer than ours. The Greeks, of course, is still there, but then, ours is losing steam, Ra's is still around and ours will die in about a hundred years –"
"Your point?" Yahweh snaps.
"She might not want to go, and you can't force her," Michael says smugly, looking down his nose at the God as his wings flapped idly, landing him on a chair made from the clouds surrounding them both.
"Why are you arguing? I gave you something to do. Scram!" Yahweh makes a dismissing gesture with his hands.
Michael flaps his body-length wings and flies out of the clouded room backwards, looking as if he wants to take all the time he can to deliver Yahweh's message. Yahweh sighs and sits back down. Michael hasn't been in a good mood lately and that meant there was no telling when Diana was going to get there, if at all.
The golden gates open and Keridwen strolls in, freshly brushed copper-coloured hair flowing gracefully behind her. She's followed closely by Diana, whose own black hair is held back in her customary braids, theoretically keeping her hair out of her eyes. It wasn't working today; the braids were in her eyes instead of the individual strands.
"What did you want, Yahweh? I was in the middle of a good banter match against Apollo," Diana smiles slightly as she swipes a couple of braids out of her grey eyes. "And I was winning."
For once. Keridwen rolls her eyes. Diana sticks her tongue out at her friend.
Yahweh smiles and shakes his head. "You might want to pack your bags, Diana. I would like you to accompany Keridwen back to the Humans' Realms and –"
"I know and the answer's no," Diana butts in.
"Are you sure?" She nods. Yahweh turns away. He mumbles, just loud enough for Diana to hear, "I could go ask Thor if he wants to. He'll be more than willing, considering he –"
"All right, all right, I'll go. But you owe me," she adds to Keridwen, her brown eyes frowning and her silver cape flapping around her shoulders as she moves.
The bow and arrows that Diana usually holds as the Goddess of the Hunt are nowhere to be seen, but that doesn't mean that Diana is unprotected. She has a few other ways to fight back.
"Right. Give me a minute and I'll grab what I need to send you both back as humans," Yahweh says quickly and moves to leave the cloudy room through the golden gates that mark the boundary to his kingdom.
"How do we get back?" Diana asks.
As he walks to the gates, Yahweh tells them, "You have to complete the mission you were sent to do." He leaves the room, but not before he heard Diana mutter, "Saliah."
Sticking his head back inside his cloudy, open-plan room, Yahweh says, "I heard that."
Diana just sticks her tongue out at him. Yahweh smiles and shakes his head as he wanders down the hall.
Walking slowly towards 'Mount Olympus', the Greek section of the Gods' Realms, Yahweh thinks of what he's going to tell Zeus to get hold of a couple of his lightning-bolts.
Yahweh's ignoring all the other gods wandering through the green-carpeted sunset-yellow halls, but still picking up on what they were doing. It was hard not to, when all of them could listen to anything they wished in the halls between the Sections.
Pavarti and Buddha are conversing as they wander in the direction of the Norse gods' lairs. It seems that their religions are starting to fall apart, with devious tricksters in the head of the temples and the secrets of ages being neglected.
Through a door partly open, Yahweh notices Apollo frowning at someone who is moving their heavily tanned arms in wide, sweeping motions, clicking sounds echoing out of the room. The golden bands on the god's wrists look familiar to Yahweh, but he cannot place them on any particular god, only on the religion he must have come from: Ancient Egypt.
Yahweh has to duck to narrowly escape being hit by the Rainbow Serpent twirling around in the sky, heading towards the Dreaming section. On the ground and in the sky, a few creatures are chasing the Serpent.
All sorts of spirits (animal, human and a couple of mineral), are racing towards the Native American section of the Realm, ducking and weaving in between other gods' heads and legs.
All too quickly, Yahweh finds himself in front of the golden gates like his own: the entrance to the domain of the council of the Greek gods.
A human-looking man opens the gate for Yahweh, and Yahweh enters, nodding to the man. He seems to have many muscles, and Yahweh doesn't think it’s a good idea to annoy him. He quickly remembers the man's name.
"Hello Herakles. How are you?"
"Same as usual," the man says, looking up to the top of the mountain ahead of Yahweh. "You might want to milk Father for all he's worth; he's in a good mood today."
"Thanks for the heads-up," Yahweh smiles at the man, who nods and returns to his post.
Yahweh walks quickly to the temple on the top of the mountain. Half way up, he stops and looks over the edge of the path. He can't help but smile; the surrounding floor, that should be open air over the top of the mountain, is all clouds. They don't move around, but occasionally a few wisps from the top whirl up in the air for a few seconds before falling gracefully back into the surrounding cloud or being lifted up and dispersing in the still air.
Eventually Yahweh shakes himself out of his trance, brought on by watching the clouds. He starts up the path again.
Within another forty steps, Yahweh climbs the steps to the entrance of the temple and opens the second set of golden gates.
After being out in the setting sun for a while, Yahweh has to shield his eyes from the ethereal glow of the inside of the temple; indeed, it didn't even look like a temple, but an extension of the clouds outside. The chairs that only three of the gods are sitting in are all made of clouds, and behind them stand stone pillars, reaching up to the night sky, and seemingly holding it above all their heads.
Yahweh blinks and can make out the forms of barely-clothed Zeus and a white-armour-clad Hera in front of him, watching him. Hermes, with his sandals, hat and altered toga, is hovering behind Hera and Zeus, looking curious and holding a scroll in his hands.
The jeans-and-shirt-clad Apollo, siren-looking Artemis in a bikini and Hephaestus, who is dressed for the forge, are conversing quietly in the corner. Artemis looks up before the others and frowns at Yahweh. Her modern-looking twin and rugged Hephaestus break the conversation, and the Fire God limps over to Hera. He engages her in a conversation, seeming to follow the same form as the one he just finished with Artemis and Apollo.
Demeter's absent, probably visiting Persephone in Hades' realm below the mountain. Dionysus, God of Wine, is dressed in a business suit, complete with a black tie, and lying in front of Apollo and Artemis, however, and doesn't seem to want to move any time soon. He has a glass of wine in his hand, and looks on the edge of unconsciousness.
Bare-breasted Aphrodite is flirting with a bloodstained Ares in a quiet conversation, but when she glances around at Yahweh, she breaks it off in favour of watching Yahweh.
Poseidon is absent as well, probably escorting or stalking Demeter. Yahweh can't understand that: Demeter has turned Poseidon down so many times that everyone bar the Sea God himself has lost count.
Warrior-goddess Athena and homemaker Hestia appear from behind Hera and Hephaestus. They join the conversation, and occasionally glance towards Yahweh.
"Yes, Yahweh?" Zeus looks from Aphrodite to Yahweh, who has finally managed to remove the sunspots from his eyesight.
"Zeus, I need a couple of your lightning bolts."
"Why?"
Yahweh mumbles something.
"Sorry, couldn't hear you. What was that?" Zeus laughs.
"So I can send a couple of us back to the Humans' Realms to try to fix the humans without direct intervention."
Zeus thinks for a minute. "What are your odds on Keridwen winning?"
Yahweh's confused. "What?"
"What are the odds she'll win?" Hephaestus echoes his father as he starts digging in the pocket of his leather apron for his own sack of coins. "Three to one? Four?"
"What are you talking about?" Yahweh shoots back.
"You really are thick," Zeus rolls his eyes and rubs his beard. "I'll put twenty gold pieces that Keridwen will win this little argument."
"Do I get the bolts or not?"
"Obviously, or I wouldn't have suggested the betting," Zeus scoffs and rolls his eyes again.
Yahweh doesn't dignify that with an answer, but uses Diana's approach of sticking out his tongue. Yahweh grabs a couple of bolts from Zeus' hold, and the sacks of gold from all of the Olympians to put away for when Keridwen returns, a failure.
The Olympians seem to have only waited around for Yahweh's conversation. When Yahweh turns to leave, the Olympians stand with him, and a few wander off through the pillars. Aphrodite and Ares leave, dodging Hephaestus' glare at the blatant way they are leaving together.
Yahweh dimly recalls the legend of Ares and Aphrodite's discovery, and how Hephaestus was laughed at. Yahweh dimly agrees with Hermes. It would be worth the shame just to sleep with Aphrodite.
Yahweh walks out of the presence of the Olympians. He laughs to himself as he catches a flash of Hera hitting Zeus over the head because Zeus is staring after Aphrodite.
Smiling as he walks back along the sunset-lit corridor to his area, he notices that it is relatively calmer then what it had been going to Mount Olympus, for only a couple of the gods are walking this way or that.
Minerva is yelling at Proserpine and a yowie and banshee are contesting to find out who has the loudest wail, but aside from that, there is very little noise. A couple of the Messenger Gods, including Hermes, are running from one room to another, one set of gods to another, giving out messages and getting more to deliver in return.
Enveloped in his own thoughts, Yahweh thinks of what he's about to do. Oh, well. They'll be back.
Entering his section, he goes and sits down waiting for Keridwen or Diana to ask him how it went.
Would he give you them? Keridwen walks forward slightly.
Yahweh looks up and grins at the goddess. "Yeah he did."
Then what are you waiting for? Keridwen frowns.
"Felt like it."
"Saliah," Diana mutters.
"You love that word, don't you?" Yahweh smirks at her.
Diana just sticks her tongue out at him, subtly ripping his white robe where he'll sit down and get a cold behind.
"Is that an invitation to cut your tongue off?" Yahweh teases.
Diana groans and pulls her tongue in.
Stand there, take this bolt, position it like this and wait for the go-ahead. Keridwen takes charge and moves things along. Helping Diana position the bolt over her stomach, Keridwen does the same, giving the countdown. Three…Two…One…
When the blue-white light clears from around the clouds, the pair are gone.
