The Fence

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A metal fence once rolled
against the side of my backyard
like a Berlin Wall

on the other side was my neighbor’s yard
my crust shone palid, his henna
my name Aviv, his Amir

my yard had a million roses
and lush jungle trees and phloxes;
his was a eucalyptus guarding a square of red earth.

We used to pitch pebbles over the fence
but we don’t anymore—
now I edge under and play games with him;

we used to call each other names through the metal
but we don’t anymore—
now he sings songs to me, songs of Abraham;

"Abraham, oh Abraham!" he sings,
and I didn't know he knew of my Abraham,
but now I know we both grew up in his shadow.

It’s beautiful.
We never took the fence elsewhere:
we erected another

taller and thicker than before
so I’d forget my neighbor’s name,
and I did, and so much more:

it was Muhammad or something like that;
and he is currently growing a thick mustache;
and through our white-noise TV screen,

I can feel his rage
ultraviolet rays of rage!
"The fence," he screams, "that fence!"

And then, through his voice, the
deep melodies of Abraham ring!
Abraham, oh Abraham, why?

And then, I remember--
the willow tree that climbed over--
how I used to climb it!

The hoary branches and white, fading trunk
Slumping over the side
We talked--how we talked--and now I realize:

He lied!

And he is furious! Furious!
"The fence," he screams, "that fence!"
I can feel his rage!

screaming!
cursing!
singing!
pleading!
crying!
And why, why?
Those eyes, they sting like metal!
He is praying!
He is begging for my death!
Last edited by Gadi. on Wed Sep 19, 2007 11:42 pm, edited 9 times in total.
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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This seemed real... erratic? I'm not sure that is the word I am looking for.

I loved the comparison to the Berlin Wall, but I suppose that is the Krautophile in me. The poem did a whole lot of telling, rather than showing. But I did enjoy some parts of it, and I thought it was going somewhere neat. and it didn't... I'm not even sure where it went. I assume you were trying to give some sort of political/racial tolerance message, something like that. But it didn't give much of an impression to me. It ended on an even odder note, because all of the "He is"s and the exclamation points didn't fit.

I suggest you read more poetry, to get a better idea of it. Also, don't forget to punctuate! Poetry & Punctuation.
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Was this poem perhaps inspired by this Robert Frost poem? http://www.bartleby.com/104/64.html

I enjoyed this, but didn't completely understand it; Like Clau said, while I understood that this dealt with racial and/or religious tolerance, the point was kinda hazy...

It's well-written, though. I like this stanza:

"my yard had a million roses
and lush jungle trees and phloxes;
his was a eucalyptus guarding a square of red earth."

Nice imagery.
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs




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I believe he's writing about the wall/fence that cuts between Israel and Palestine.

I found no mistakes in spelling or grammar. But the words were powerful.

My god, it is so strange to read something from someone on the other side.




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The beginning is beautiful; the first six or seven stanzas were very detailed and they made it easy to imagine this world and these people. The picture and the careful details are so important to this, though -- so when they disappear to be replaced by the 'sterotype' at the end [as I'm guessing as part of the message] the imagery is sorely missed.

'ultraviolet rays of rage' and 'white noise TV' in the last three stanzas are good jumping off points for revising the ending; they imply something more technological, cynical and seperated. I think you can run with that idea and work the ending in a similar was as the beginning -- same attention to detail and imagery -- just with a change of emotion and tone. I think you can do away with the 'screaming!/ cursing!'; the chant doesn't add much.




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Thank you all for your critiques and comments! I appreciate your honesty and I will make sure to revise it accordingly!
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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I liked this.

The referral to the fence keeping the gardens apart made me think of worlds that are far apart, like the rich and the poor maybe?

The structure was good as was the rhythm and flow - which I found to work well, better than some I have read before. I think maybe you should think about your punctuation, but other than that, this was fabulous.
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"Abraham, oh Abraham!" he sings,
and I didn't know he knew of my Abraham,
but now I know we both grew up in his shadow.
---------
My god, this is such a powerful stanza. I am, like, so blown away. D:



It’s beautiful.
We never took the fence elsewhere:
we erected another
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Brilliant. Simply wonderful.

The ending felt...rushed. It spun from "it was muhammed" into a seemingly different poem altogether. I would work on the ending.

-Evang.
Break the boundaries, hunt the hunter, and leave me a tip.
----to kill or not to kill



That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon