Finding Atlantis (Prologue)

It's kinda long for a prologue, so it may just end up being chapter 1. I made it a prologue, though, because the next part will be years later when the characters are older. Any thoughts on that will be appreciated as well as open critiques. Enjoy! (if possible XD )

Forward

“Nana, I can’t let him see her.”

“But, m’lady, there’s no way to hide your daughter without him knowing,” the plump woman replied, whispering frantically.

“Her life is in danger as it is,” the Lady of the Palace snapped under her breath. Her sparkling green eyes lowered to the babe in her arms, her red curls falling around her face. The young girl lay asleep, her mouth hanging slightly open, her hands curled into tight fists. She had a soft patch of hair atop her head as red as her mother’s.

“M’lady, your husband knew you were pregnant. He knows he has a child,” Nana whispered back, trying to knock some sense into her Lady. However, she ignored her Lady’s gaze and smoothed out the blue covers atop the bed, her hands in need of something to do.

“He doesn’t know that she’s alive,” the Lady replied. She looked up into Nana’s horrified face when Nana stopped fixing the already smoothed-out covers. “I know what he’ll do, and I won’t let him. She’s this kingdom’s only chance—”

“You’re still in power, m’lady!” Nana interrupted. The Lady flushed at the disruption, but ignored her. Nana regretted even speaking and retied the ribbons around the drapes of the bed to keep them aside.

“But he has taken most of my power from me,” the Lady said bitterly. Her whispering soon increased in volume to a steady, cold voice. “I can do nothing. However, I can set my daughter a safe future so she may save my people—”

“Save your people from her father?” Nana whispered with shock, stopping her busied hands once again to stare at her Lady. “No girl could do such a thing! We are already looked down upon by men; we do not need to cause any more trouble for our future Lady. Please excuse me, m’lady, but no young girl would ever have the mind to do an act such as that.”

“Nana! You could look after her!” the Lady whispered excitedly. Nana’s mouth dropped open for a few moments before walking away from the golden bed post to the window. She started to untie the drapes when the Lady continued. “You’ve looked after me all my life! I can trust you to look after my daughter!”

“But, m’lady, I…” Nana hesitated, turning uneasily to face her Lady, closing the drapes of the window behind her. The moonlight was gone, leaving only the candles around the walls to light up the room.

“Please, Nana,” the Lady pleaded, adjusting the babe against her silked-covered breast as she readjusted herself upon the pillows behind her. “She will just be another young lady of the palace like her cousins.”

“And her parents?” Nana squeaked, her soft brown eyes glittering with worry. “There’s no way to hide the future Lady, m’lady, please forgive me. She will be found—”

“She will be found when she is found,” the Lady replied firmly. She looked down to her sleeping daughter who yawned, making a tiny squeak, and stretched her little arms above her head. Her tiny eyelids slid open and green emeralds shined up at the Lady. The Lady smiled weakly, her own eyes watering. “I can’t keep her with me.”

“I can’t protect her all by myself, m’lady,” Nana begged as she hurried to her Lady’s side once again, trying to convince the Lady to not do this. “He will surely be suspicious when he finds me caring for one lone child.”

“Nana,” the Lady said with a sigh, looking to the pale face of her nurse, “Please—”

“Your Majesty?” a high, soft voice sounded. The Lady and Nana looked up quickly, both pale. There stood the Lady’s seven-year-old niece, Autumn, dressed in a pink-silk nightgown, peering up with her dark brown eyes through her brown bangs, looking at the little baby in her aunt’s arms, expressionless. The Lady instinctively held the babe closer to her breast, her green eyes on little Autumn.

“What is it, dear?” the Lady said quietly, her voice shaking slightly.

Autumn entered the room fully, closing the door behind her, her eyes still on the baby girl. “Is that—?”

“What do you want, Autumn?” the Lady interrupted, covering the baby with the blankets nervously. Nana scurried over to Autumn and made to turn the girl around and leave, but Autumn wouldn’t move. She took a few slow steps toward her aunt’s bed when Nana stood in front of the girl and quickly said, “No, dear, your aunt needs her rest.”

“I want to see,” Autumn said firmly and gently pulled her sleeved arm out of Nana’s grasp. Nana was frozen on the spot, watching with terror as the young girl walked up to the side of the bed. The Lady panicked, scooting away from the girl’s reach, despite the difficulty under the smoothed-out blankets. Autumn stopped and only stared with her wide dark eyes at the young baby. “What’s her name?”

The Lady didn’t reply. Her green eyes were filled with fear as she watched her niece’s steady brown ones. The baby smiled, waving her fists energetically, giggling, not knowing what was going on around her.

“M’lady,” Autumn said calmly, “what is her name?”

“Why do you wish to know, dear?” the Lady asked, failing to keep her shaking voice steady.

“She is my cousin,” Autumn replied. “Do I have no right to know my cousin’s name?”

“Your cousin…” the Lady muttered. Autumn didn’t reply, her eyes drawing the queen’s fearful gaze. Nana whimpered, but no one paid any mind to the terrified nurse just feet away.

“Is she not my cousin?” Autumn asked calmly.

The Lady took a long moment, trying to ignore her fearful thoughts. She may have thought of a plan, but Autumn would have to cooperate. It was risky, the Lady knew. Could she trust Autumn?

“Autumn,” the Lady’s quivering voice finally stated. The young girl’s brow shot up as her aunt made to start conversation, showing her attention was drawn to her aunt’s words. The Lady straightened a little, but her green eyes were still fixed on her niece. “Autumn…she’s not your cousin.”

Autumn’s small brow shot up even further, looking with interest at her aunt. “She’s not?” Autumn repeated.

“No…” the Lady removed the blankets so the young seven-year-old girl could see the wide emerald-green eyes examine her surroundings, smiling and giggling excitedly. “She’s not your cousin,” the Lady repeated, “she’s your sister.”

Autumn didn’t look at the young baby, but looked up at her aunt, her brow disappearing behind her bangs. Nana gasped at the last statement her Lady made, but dared not make another sound. “I do hope you’ll explain, m’lady,” Autumn said as calmly as she had been.

“I want you to keep a close eye on her, Autumn,” the Lady said, regaining her composure, seeing her niece was perfectly harmless. “Nana will watch over you and raise my daughter, or your sister, in this case, while you make sure your sister is out of harm’s way—”

“You mean my uncle?” Autumn stated. The Lady paled, but nodded. Autumn held her aunt’s gaze for a moment longer before saying, “I can do that.”

The Lady smiled and hugged her baby daughter excitedly who giggled even more. “Thank you, Autumn. You will be repaid, I assure you.”

Autumn didn’t reply. Her brown eyes fell on the baby girl who was now her sister, rather than her cousin. Her eyes showed as if she knew what was happening, and the Lady wondered if perhaps she did. She was a strange young girl, but it didn’t matter. As long as Autumn kept her promise to stay with her sister, the Lady had nothing to worry about.

Nana now looked as if she wanted to run far away from this madness. “M’lady,” Nana squeaked. The Lady looked up as Nana cleared her throat to speak again. “M’lady, I can’t do that! I can’t work with…work with…” her eyes wandered to Autumn who watched the baby in the Lady’s arms.

“You’ll be fine, Nana,” the Lady assured. She was about to explain further when her baby reached a hand out to Autumn, continuing to open and close her little fist, as if wanting to hold something that was out of her reach. The Lady panicked suddenly as Autumn lifted her own hand and reached out to the baby.

“No!” The Lady squealed, jerking her daughter out of Autumn’s reach. Autumn froze, her brown eyes still on the baby. The babe started to cry and bang her fists from the sudden rush. “Shh, shh,” the Lady calmed, rocking her daughter in her arms. Autumn lowered her hand to her side, her steady eyes still on the baby. The Lady looked to her niece as her baby started to quiet down and became distracted with the blue and golden canopy above the bed.

“You cannot touch her,” the Lady said sternly, her voice now shaking again.

Autumn’s gaze shifted to her aunt once again, but did not reply.

“I said, don’t touch her,” the Lady said, her voice growing, then went pale as a knock sounded on the door and a voice called from outside.

“M’lady, His Majesty is on his way up.”

“Thank you, Felicia!” the Lady called hurriedly, her arms starting to shake. Nana squealed and rushed to her Lady’s side as she held out the baby to Nana. “Take her to Autumn’s room and there you can start to care for her. I will speak to Autumn’s mother in the morning. Go!”

Nana nodded over and over as her Lady spoke orders to her. When her Lady commanded, Nana bustled toward the door. Autumn stood, staring up at her aunt. “Go, Autumn!” the Lady panicked, her green eyes now staring fearfully again.

“What’s her name?”

“Go help Nana, Autumn—”

“What’s her name?”

“Go—”

“Ah, my dear Katherine!”

The Lady looked up, regaining her composure as her husband stood in the doorway with a crooked smile. She smiled back, saying, “Oh, my dear husband! Such a sight for sore eyes!”

“Hello there, Lady Autumn,” his majesty greeted respectfully, his blue-gray eyes shifting to the young seven-year-old who now stared back with her steady gaze. “Paying a visit to your aunt, I see. Beat me to see my own child!”

“Autumn, go help Nana,” the Lady said firmly.

“Yes, m’lady,” Autumn said calmly and, with a slight bow to her aunt and uncle, left the room, the Lord stepping aside to let her leave. He looked up at the Lady again with his crooked smile as the door closed. “You bore my son a few weeks ago?”

The Lady swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath as he slowly walked towards her.

“My son?” the Lord encouraged, then his brow furrowed, his smile faded. “It wasn’t a girl, was it?” he asked sternly.

“It doesn’t matter,” the Lady answered almost too quickly. The Lord stopped by the side of her bed, staring down at his wife. The Lady begun to cry as the thought of losing her daughter erupted in her mind. Tears flowed down her cheeks. The Lord sat on the side of the bed and took one of the Lady’s hands, kissing her fingers.

“So the first child failed,” he stated and the Lady looked up at him, confused. He smiled his crooked smile again. “We can always try again,” he said softly and leaned over, kissing her on her red-rose lips long and hard. The Lady could only put her arms around his neck and obey his will, like she was forced to since their marriage


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There ya have it. Comments appreciated!

Hey! These are all of course, suggestions and you do not have to comply if you don't want to. Free will ftw!

Her life is in danger as it is,” the Lady snapped under her breath.

- Lady should be lower case l (unless it's some sort of codename, or a title of the ruling power).

She had a soft patch of hair atop her head, hair as red as her mother’s.

-instaead of repeating hair say along the lines of 'atop her head, as red as her mother's.

He doesn’t know she’s alive

-I think it reads better with a that in between 'know and 'she'.

Autumn’s small brow shot up even further, looking interestedly at
her aunt.

-'Interestedly' sounds like a very awkward word.

-Just a quibble with Autumn. She just seems too mature for a five year old, even a mature five year old (if that made sense). If there is a reason for this then ok, but in real life, you'd be hard pressed to find such a child.

Anyway, i liked it quite a lot actually. Although I usually hate long things and will trim my stories down all the time, I found that I didn't mind it this time. You have a good foothold here, make your next chapters memorable. I usually find that while I can write a kick-ass prolougue, I slip in my first three chapters, a bad habit for any writer.

Hey Jabber, this is for the contest! You've got two special crits left after this =D

Okay, so Fantasyartist got most of the little things. Although I did notice something throughout that made the whole thing rather awkward.

Your flow of the story was quite...hard to keep up with. Not that it was bad writing, I can't quite pinpoint what it was, but something about the way this peice was written. I think it was the lack of names, I liked Autumn, because she had a name, Nana was fine too. It was constantly refering to the Lady. Also, Milady, is actually, M'lady. It looks better in print and sounds less like MeeLady.

Also, there was very little conflict, it was just one thing happening after another. I couldn't feel the emotion. The Lady's fear, the Nana's confusion, Autumn's curiosity. All of it should be brought out ten-fold.

I look forward to seeing more of this story. Just remember, fantasy is the most cliched of all genres, you have to do something with it to make it stand out amung everything. Often all you need is great emotion and character development. Work on that, and the story automatically gets much better.

Overall, good job. It was just a start so I can't say much about the plot line. The writing was really good, and the ideas were also good.

Keep up the good work!!! Sorry I couldn't be of much help. It's what happens when the writings good. =D

-JC

Hi Jabber! (like your name, by the way! )

A few years ago in my English class, when we were studying 'hooks', one of the ways was to start with urgent dialogue--which you did. A snappy way to gain interest...except that I wasn't hooked right away. As much fantasy as I've read, I found the opening conversation fairly generic. All I felt was missing was those little extra descriptions woven into the story; more even than hair and eye color--like nervous habits when people are stressed (like they are): those small things that make characters come alive and help the reader connect. (A little description of the setting helps, too. I didn't realize Katherine was in bed until Autumn entered the room.) Even a fairly common situation (which often can't be avoided in fantasy), can be unique with your own details!

And then--I have to tell you, I love unnaturally mature kids, and that was intentional, wasn't it? The Lady even noted that Autumn was 'a strange young girl'. I just know there's something special about she and the red-haired baby. I can't wait to see more of them!

Love love LOVE the way you introduced the King. Listening to the queen and her maid talking about him, I imagined a man that has got "evil" written all over him when you first meet him. But no, he comes into the room, and he's subtle. Nothing except his 'crooked smile', and his comments about the gender of the child, seems unnatural. There's nothing blatantly evil about him, which makes him all the more terrifying.

I'm also very curious about the Lady--why you chose to call her Lady, rather than Katherine--and that the King is the only one who calls her by name. Very interesting.

Oh, just one more nit-picky thing. I'm only mentioning it because I thought it was funny:

The young girl lay asleep, its mouth hanging slightly open, her hands curled into tight fists

. Its?

Prologues, I think, are hard to write, but you did a good job! I didn't find it long at all. I like your writing: not verbose and easy to read and enjoy. I hope there's more coming!

Keep writing!

~Jacquie~

Excellent beginning, brilliant characterisation, and I like the idea of the story so far. I like long chapters, so this was the perfect length for me, and each paragraph lead into one another without a hitch. You'd be amazed how often I see published works that make a jolt of reading, sconstantly throwing the reader from the story.

Excellent characters themselves, though I have to ask, are they going to follow the archetypes or subvert them? Not that there's anything wrong with either, it's just that you'll find it harder to write subversions than archetypes.

Keep going!

Hey Jabber! I think you've made a really good start here but perhaps Autumn should be seven rather than five? I can see that you want her close to the baby's age and you want her to be mature for her age but I think five is just a year or two too young. Other than that though, I found this very interesting but I'd like a brief description of Nana and some information about the bedroom. Is it very ornate seenas she's a lady? Is she dressed in a silk nightgown and does the room have silk sheets and gold bed posts?

Anyway, a few specific suggestions -

The young girl lay asleep, its [This should probably be her.] mouth hanging slightly open, her hands curled into tight fists.

“What is it, dear?” the Lady said quietly and as steady as she could. [It should either be as steadily as she could or 'the lady said quietly, in a steady tone of voice.']

She took a couple [Few might sound better?] slow steps toward her aunt’s bed when Nana stood in front of the girl and quickly said, “No, dear, your aunt needs her rest.”

Her eyes showed as if she knew what was happening, and, the Lady wondered, she probably did know what was happening. [Either 'happening and, the Lady though, she probably did.' or 'happening and the Lady wondered if perhaps she did.']

________________

Overall, nicely written and Autumn is certainly a good character. In fact, I'd like to ask the same question as her - what's the baby called? I shall look forwrad to reading more and don't worry about length; this is just fine for a prologue.

Heather xx

Thanks sooo much for the crits! I would be happy to return the favor! Just PM me!

Fantasyartist-- I edited the story to show the reader, but her title is "Lady of the Palace." I also cranked the age to 7 years for Autumn. I agree 5 seemed too young. Thanks for pointing that out!

JCobsesed-- I didn't call her Lady Katherine, because it seems wrong to just give out the name of the Lady of the Palace (which I understand you didn't know she was the latter). Also, I've seen "m'lady" spelled in two ways, but I suppose "m'lady" makes more sense anyway. I have changed it, despite the spelling marks in Word.

J. Haux-- (heh, thanks! ) As I said before, It seems wrong to give the reader the queen's name right away. She is the Lady of the Palace, so I guess I tried to portray that by just calling her the Lady. Her name will be used more often later on as the reader knows the Lady better. (Is this a bad approach?) Anyway, I'm glad you liked it!

Mythic Writing-- I had to look up those big words to get what you meant. I'm trying really hard in my first chapter to keep the characters as they are portrayed here, only older (as I pointed out). That's a major issue I'll be asking for when I post the first chapter.

kitty15-- Kitty! Somehow, your crits make me happy. Must be 'cause I like kitties. Anyway, thanks for the sentence structures (your so good at that!) and I tried a little bit harder to describe the bedroom. Also, as I said before, I cranked Autumn's age to 7 years.

Thank you all so much, once again, for reviewing! More comments are always welcome! I shall begin my first chapter and I will post it in a new thread soon. Thankies, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Jabber, the One and Only!

he said softly and leaned over, kissing her on her red-rose lips long and hard.

I think 'red-rose' should be 'rose-red'. But isn't that like an overused way to describe red?

like she was forced to since their marriage

You forgot a full-stop after marriage.


It's nicely-written, and I'm curious to know why Autumn can't touch the baby. I'm starting to like Autumn. Good job!

I really like this! The description was good and the characters grew nicely. The only problem that I saw that hasn't been addressed already is that you use the names a lot. Like when the Lady and Nana are talking, everyonce in a while you should put in she and her. Also when August comes in. That was all I saw though. Good job on this. Tell me when you update!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Everyone else picked out the very few errors. This was very enjoyable and very well written, but the behaviour of the baby isn't very realistic. She's a few weeks old, right? Few babies are giggling by that age, and they stay still pretty much; they don't stretch their arms up above their head.

That above, aside, this was very intriguing. PM me when the next bit comes out will you?

Well, here's my crit. I really enjoyed this piece. And I've never actually critiqued a fantasy story yet, so here goes.

Characters

For the most part, your characters were realistic. My favorite one was probably Autumn, followed closely by Nana. The Lady, as a character, seems kind of forced. Especially the part about her not allowing Autumn to hold the baby. Why couldn't she? The girl would be taking care of the baby partially anyway. Mothers generally share the wealth, if you know what I mean. The king isn't evil enough when you introduce him. Make us hate him before the story even starts. Describe his appearance more. Make his dialogue more ominous and cruel. Don't have him console his wife at the end for a failed birth, have him be furious. A nice touch would be for him to start beating the Lady. I would sure hate him after that.

Dialogue

Your dialogue was very good and rolled along at a coherent pace. This is obviously a strong point of yours. However, you're dialogue tags could use a little work. Try not to add an adverb at the end of every tag, and try not to search too hard for another word to replace 'said.' Said is a useful word. It's also simple. I tend to get distracted with the fine collection of 'replieds' and 'whispereds' and 'interupteds'. Let your dialogue speak for itself. You don't need to help it along. It's perfectly capable on it's own two feet more often than not.

Plot

Well, I don't know much so far, but you've got good things going for you. Making the 'cousin' the 'sister' all of the sudden is kind of awkward. Why did the lady do this? It's not to hide things from Autumn. She already knows. So why lie about her relations? The Lady can have Autumn tell others her cousin is in fact her sister, but her [s]strange[/s] attempt at pulling the wool over her bright seven year old niece is kinda strange.


Pacing

Not much to say here. You hit the perfect length, that's for sure. Not too short and not too drawn out. I especially liked the last interchange between Autumn and the Lady. Very well done, making the name the focus of the prologue. You're description also moves your scene along at the right pace. You did a good job on this story overall.

A few nitpicks before I leave

“Oh, my dear husband! Such a sight for sore eyes!”

Ugh. Cliche, much. Get rid of it!!!

her green eyes now staring fearfully again.

Staring? I don't think that's the righ description for a frantic woman. Maybe darting?

but dared not to make another sound.

pink-silk

Pink? Doesn't seem like the right colr. If you're bent and determined to have this the colr of Autumn's nightgown contrast it with the scene and setting.

The Lady instinctively held the babe

I dunno why but the babe bit makes it sound slutty.

The rest I don't have problems with.

Anyways, hi Jabber, thought I pay your work a visit. I like the words you used for this chapter. It really portrays the characters and the environment well. Good job on that.

The story also flows along nicely. The way you combine action and description into a fluid motion really moves the piece well. However, I think I understood what JC said about the flow being hard to follow. The story is actually kinda boring in a way. There are no conflicts in this story. It feels more of an introduction to your characters. If I were in your shoes, I think this chapter is not needed since there are no conflicts in it.

That's all I'll say. I'll read more to this in due time.

Andy

Here's my two cents. The story needs more description, and the characters ought to have more 'flesh' to them. For instance, how does the lady look as she talks? What does Nana look like?

I just read the piece and thought it was quite interesting. There was talk of the baby being the kingdom's only chance, which made me want to read on in the story to find out why she was the one. I'm guessing it's because she is the daughter of the Lady. Overall, I liked the writing though it would have been nice to know why this guy was so bad. Was it because he wanted a son and would have killed the girl? Has he done other things to make him so hated by his wife? I guess I'll just have to wait to find out. Great job!

~Mantis

Woah, this was good. Extremely good. I can't see any typos, and your structure is great. I have to find something to actually crit on, now 0.o

Interesting start to the story, obviously gearing up for saving the kingdom later on. My first thought was-oh, another baby saves the kingdom story, but I must admit I was eating my words rather quickly- I can see thought has gone into the story.
But I must admit, the end where you meet the man himself- He wasn't portrayed as evil, at all. I got no 'bad' vibes from him- maybe you should expand on her feelings. After all, you would be feeling something, having somebody you hated kiss you like he did. Maybe she shivered at his touch, like somebody walking over your grave? I dunno. A good actor she may be, but since this is written at her perspective, maybe put some of her personal thoughts and feelings into it. Apart from that, you did a really good job of showing, rather then telling, something I always struggle with. I could see the scene in my head well, and if I picked up a book that started like this- I would keep reading.
Very well done ^^