A Celebration of You

*dances into poetry section*

Wee. I haven't been back here since my last slaughtering lol. Recently I wrote two bits of it though, for a friend, in less then 10mins each, granted but she won't shut up now so prove her wrong. Please.
**

A Celebration of You


When the light dies and darkness

blankets the world in starry brilliance

you burn brighter;



Neon lights, pumping music, rhythmic

movements—you give a breath

less laugh. A Goddess dances;



In an era of (dis)enchantment, through

the ashes of magic an ember remains

lit. A fresh breeze that blows past (renews)

broken relationships;



Intoxicating. A heady swirl of tantalizing

Electrifying elucidation—you

put the sparkle back in people’s eyes.


Shine on.

**

I find this poem charming, but also a little wordy; that's what struck me on my first read and the feeling didn't wear off. I feel like the poem is a marshmallow dipped too many times in chocolate fondue...yes, I am hungry right now.

*returns with food* Now to critique.

Meaning. I suppose this is fairly straightforward; the title sums it up. A celebration of a special person, a singular person, etc. I don't feel as though there's more too it, but I don't think there has to be.

In an era of (dis)enchantment, through

the ashes of magic an ember remains

lit. A fresh breeze that blows past (renews)

broken relationships;

I love the way the parts in parentheses add a new dimension on what's already been said; that shows sophistication in writing.

Diction. As I said before, this is really wordy. A lot of these words are unnecessary, in my opinion, or could at least be replaced by better ones.

When the light dies and darkness

blankets the world in starry brilliance

One radiance burns brighter;

For example, the word "radiance" strikes me as a little weird there; perhaps it's overused, perhaps its connotation just doesn't fit. You could say, "Something burns brighter" or "You burn brighter" or something else simpler than "One radiance." I get this feeling a lot in the rest of the poem as well...it seems like a lot of similar words are being used to describe the same sensation. I think you could condense it a lot; use just a few of the best words, one description.

Cliche. It seems to me that I've heard people/good things in general described as "a light in the darkness" countless times. Although your poem avoids the language of Hallmark cards or the vague sentiments of pop songs, I still feel that the idea wasn't addressed as well as it could've been. The last line especially makes me uneasy about the originality of the piece.

Also:

Eeectrifying

I'm hoping you meant "Electrifying", because if not, I'm terribly confused as to the meaning of "Eeectrifying".

-Colleen

Spanke caddy, for your comment.

Tis much appreciated. *pets*

Cheers.