The Almega Galaxy: Corruption

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The Almega Galaxy: Corruption
Chapter 1: The Rough Start

It was early summer when thirteen-year-old Kwest Omarrin of Zorrac received his report card."


“Hmmm…..Numbers II: three out of five. Technical I: two point five out of five. Zorraci Language: three point five out of five.”

Kwest sat in his gray, metalloid bedroom on the second story of his middle-class home.

“Oh, suns and stars! I’ll eat a wrete’s tail before I tell Mom my grades! She’ll ground me for life!” Kwest exclaimed.

He imagined the long and boring speech his mom would tell him about how much better his life would be if he had higher grades.

He rode the small metal turbolift downstairs. That’s strange, he thought. Mom only went to shop for groceries, and Dad only works until fifteen hundred hours, and neither of them are home yet

There was a sudden knock at the door. Was that Mom or Dad?

Kwest pressed a button and the door slid open. He found an exhausted, scruffy-looking Cerien Gilm rush into the house. Cere wasn’t careful and almost tripped, but Kwest caught him just in time. Although Cere was a year older than Kwest, he had been Kwest’s best friend for as long as he could remember. They were always working together, playing together, or getting into trouble together.

“Kwest! The Easterners won a battle at the city of Cor Billan, and took over the West Alliance base at Piloaf,” Cere explained to Kwest, breathless.

There had been a war going on between two sects of Zorraci citizens, and destruction was rampant throughout the planet of Zorrac. Now the battle was nearing Kwest’s and Cere’s home town of Gefano, and many citizens feared destruction.

“Cere, did you see my parents on the way here? They’ve been gone a while, and I’m beginning to worry.”

"The fact is, Kwest, that I haven’t seen my parents either, and-"

There was a loud bang at the door. The door sprung open, and an adult humanoid Zorraci armed with a blaster pistol stepped through the entrance. He looked like he’d seen a lot of action lately, and had a scar under his left eye.

“I am Falp of the West Alliance, and you are being forced by order of my commander to serve us.” The man gestured with his blaster for them to come with him.

Then, in a blink of an eye, Kwest tripped the man, grabbing his blaster. Before the man could recover, Kwest and Cere rushed out the door.

They ran outside and found the man’s large light brown swoop he’d taken to Kwest’s house. Cere drove the swoop, while Kwest rode behind him. As they drove by the housing district, they saw that they hadn’t been the only ones that had been told to leave their homes. Other children, some much too young to battle, had been taken from their houses or shacks by militia soldiers to work in the civil war that had engulfed the once peaceful planet of Zorrac.

They now flew towards the lush greens and brilliant blues of the plants in Joy Park. Gliding past that, they reached their destination: Gefano Spaceport and Starship Dealers.

“I only have ten thousand gaswas,” Kwest explained to Cere, showing him his wallet.

“Well, I have seven thousand gaswas,” Cere added. “We’ll be able to buy something”.

They walked at a rather fast pace toward one of the smaller dealers. The dealer was in a small kiosk, with his ships gathering around the stand. With him was his son, who, like all Zorraci children until the age of 12, had a small, furry tail.

“Wadda ya want, kids?” the man inquired.

“Umm…a ship that will take us off this planet,” said Cere.

“Ya kids tryin’ ta outrun the West Alliance?” the man concluded. “Yeah, I hear their up ta no good around these parts. Ya young ones better leave and make a better life fer yerselves. I hear the fight'll be here soon. In fact, I plan on departin’ with my son here. Oh, and if ya haven’t heard furm yer poppy or moma lately, sadly they've probably been taken hawstage."

Kwest had known and feared this, but the man’s words still hit him hard.

“Tell ye what, though,” the man continued. “I’ll give ya a discount awn a genuine sky cruiser, model fourteen. Nine thousand gaswas fer the bargain.”

“Okay,” stated Kwest. “And thank you.”

Just then, the man who’d barged into Kwest’s house, accompanied by two other soldiers, one of which was barely older than Kwest himself, barged into the spaceport.

“There they are, men. Get them!”

“Quick,” Cere hurriedly told Kwest. “That man is back!”

They both rushed into the sky cruiser (S-14),and ran down a long hallway with two doors along the thin strip. The two teens rushed into the cockpit.

“Do you know how to fly this thing, Cere? ‘Cause I sure don’t,” Kwest asked.

“I hope so,” replied Cere. “If it’s like the simulator.”

“Okay,” Kwest stated rather doubtfully. “Let’s go.”

The S-14 lifted off and headed towards space, unaware of another ship following in pursuit.






:D I hope you enjoyed!
Last edited by ninja-Z on Tue Aug 28, 2007 6:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Heya, came to read your story. I'm excited, it's an awesome idea for you and Timea to do this kind of duo series.

It was early summer, and a thirteen year old Zorraci, Kwest Omarrin’s report card was sent to his datapad.


This sentence could be rephrased. Maybe..."It was early summer when Kwest Omarrin of Zorrac received his report card."

She’ll ground me for life!,” Kwest exclaimed


No comma after the exclamation point.

That’s strange, he thought. Mom only went to shop for groceries, and Dad only works until fifteen hundred hours


Why is it strange? Are his parents not home? Is that strange? Tell us, we would love to know! :D

The fact is, Kwest, that I haven’t seen my parents either, and-“


You got the wrong direction of quotations at the end. :wink:

Then, in a blink of an eye, Kwest tripped the man, grabbing his blaster. Before the man could recover, Kwest and Cere rushed out the door


Wow, that's one strong thirteen year old to trip a full grown man. I hope there's an explanation coming up.

“Wadda ya want, kids?” the man inquired.


Good job with how you wrote this. Some people have trouble writing in accents or in the way people talk.

I hear the fight ‘ill be here soon


"Fight'll" is what you're looking for, not "fight 'ill"

sadly they've probably been taken hawstage


I hope you spelled "hostage" wrong on purpose. :wink:

Very good story! After reading Timea's, this surely was interesting.

You could use a bit more description for the characters. We got five senses you can use to your advantage: feel, taste, see, hear, and smell. Don't be afraid to use them. :D

Pretty good for a start, though. Any questions, PM me or I'm available in the chatroom.

Keep writing!

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I make my own policies.




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Good job, Zoltan!
Although, it wouldn't half as good if I hadn't edited it before you posted. :smt045

But you still didn't take some of my advice. So here's the crit:


He gently strode downstairs.



Hm...I don't think that 'strode' really fits here.

The door sprung open, and an adult humanoid Zorraci armed with a blaster pistol stepped through the entrance. He looked like he’d seen a lot of action lately, and had a scar under his left eye.


That's good description, but I think it could use a little more.

They found the man’s large light brown swoop he’d taken to Kwest’s house. Cere drove the swoop, while Kwest rode behind him.


Agh! Ok. I'm lost. When did Kwest and Cere get onto the bike? Show us. Don't tell. :smt002

Other children, some much too young to battle, had been taken from their houses or shacks by militia soldiers to work in the civil war that had engulfed the once peaceful planet of Zorrac.


I like this sentence, Z_man. :smt041

Just then, the man who’d barged into Kwest’s house, accompanied by two other soldiers, one of which was barely older than Kwest himself, barged into the spaceport


You just forgot the peroid, that's all.

The S-14 lifted off and headed towards space, unaware of another ship following in pursuit.


Thank the stars, you fixed this part!


Well, good job, Zoltan. It sounds like a great start.

~Your sis

:smt038 :smt028
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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thank you I'm glad that you liked it jabber and tim :)




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I agree that a bit more description would be nice but it's good. Just a few points to add -

Technical I: two point five out of five.

“ Oh, [No space between the specch marks and 'Oh'] suns and stars! I’ll eat a wrete’s tail before I tell Mom my grades! She’ll ground me for life!,” [I agree with Jabber; no comma here.] Kwest exclaimed.

“ Kwest! [Again, no space between the speech marks and your word.] The Easterners won a battle at the city of Cor Billan, and took over the West Alliance base at Piloaf ,” [No space between 'Piloaf' and the comma.] Cere explained to Kwest, breathless.

There had been a war going on between two sects of Zorraci citizens, and destruction was rampant [s]all[/s] throughout the planet of Zorrac.

_______________

Altogether, it was interesting but how come the children have so much money and are so strong and can drive vehicles? Lol. I suppose it is science fiction but try not to make it too unbelievable.
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kitty15: a 14-yr old is strong enough to drive a car, why not a ship?
and Cere is a tech genious. gaswas, the currency in the almega galaxy,
is diff from dollars. plus, they get a lucky brake from the salesman.




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Well I've never heard of a fourteen year old driving a car but then, I live in England and you can't start learning until your seventeenth birthday and okay, so Cere has lots of money because he's a tech genius but then why does Kwest have more than him?

Also, I know the currency is different but if it's enough to buy a ship, it has to be quite a lot. Perhaps the salesman offers them a rather old, shabby ship first and then decides to make them a deal and gives them a better one that costs nearly all their money?

Lol. Don't take any of this too seriously by the way. I can be rather picky where science fiction is concerned =)
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ok thats ok i like opinion, though
cere doesnt have money cause hes a tech genious he can fly a ship because he is a tech genious :)




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great story i think the other people covered all the proof reading so yeah can't wait to read the rest




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thanks part 2 will be out soon!!! thank you all!! :) the story is mucho better now.




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Hmm... It's alright. I'd say it was better if I was a little more awake at the moment. It seems like you're rushing into the story a little quick, but I wouldn't be the one to talk about that since I like to get things moving in my stories to get to the good stuff, too. Usually, a novel takes about four or five chapters, sometimes more, before the actual story starts, but I realize that with fan fictions you just don't have that kind of time. So other than that, good job. I'll try to read the other chapters when I get the chance.

Also, I didn't know PsychicNinja was your sister.
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yes, she's my sis... :backtotopic: but I don't try to rush to the 'good stuff' really. this chapter and the next are just setting up the story. its mucho more fun to right the chapters with the meat, but yeah my story's just beginning. it takes place over 7 and a half years, so yeah.it gets better later :D



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