A Masterpiece in Resin

The marbles rolled and clicked against each other as Jerry pulled open the drawer. Whenever he felt down, he would come to see his little beauties, and they would watch him fondly as he stroked their smooth, calming surfaces. Jerry sighed. His collection seemed so very small, he didn't often get the chance to make marbles, and he hadn't been able to get his hands on one for a good few weeks. Caressing the surface of his favourite one last time, Jerry slid the drawer shut and took off his bloody apron.

Waiting for him in the garage was the Hurst, Alex leaning against the car door with a cigarette perched precariously between his thin lips. Flowered sprays that spelt out 'Mother' were the only clue that gave any hint towards the identity of the deceased within, it was the sort of thing that had bothered Jerry when he first started working there, that and how Alex himself seemed to be as pale as the corpses he couriered.

"What are you doing today then?"

"Well," Alex grinned devilishly and blew a puff of smoke up into the cool air "today I'm driving Mrs Price here up to the church for her service, and then back here for her cremation." A light smile began to play on Jerry's lips, Alex saw this and laughed. "Yeah, I know, we haven't had one for a while. Do you still remember what to do?"

Jerry turned away and replied softly as he walked back into the main building.

"Of course I do."

---

Dark suits, dark ties, dark faces. It was the exact same view each time Jerry hoisted a coffin onto his shoulder and carried it through tearful relatives singing hymns in broken voices. All eyes fell upon the casket as it proceeded down the aisle, to where the oven laid waiting. From this side it had been changed to be aesthetical pleasing, smooth plaster to hide the jagged metal edges, and a pair of wrought iron gates concealed any view of the inside. This side looked to un-natural to Jerry, he was too used to seeing the machine which lay beyond the wall. A steel tomb waiting to turn the deceased back into the ashes from which they came.

The priest proceeded with the ceremony, much shorter that the one which took place at the church, and Jerry stood solemnly, his head lowered, as sons, daughters, and friends choked out their final farewells. Then the incinerator was turned on. The heat that blasted out, warming Jerry's side, was comforting. Everything would be burned, and come the end, no-one would be able to tell what was – or wasn't – in the coffin when it had slid inside.

Alex was waiting for him outside after the service had ended, still smoking. Several people seemed to recognise him as the driver, and cast upset glances towards him and his thoroughly untidy state as the left to go to the wake.

"I love this job," he sighed as they walked back to the office, "where else do you get paid to hold up traffic in a big black car everyday?"

"Well that's not all you do."

"No, I suppose not." Alex stopped and spat the butt of his cigarette onto the floor, crushing out the embers with his boot. "Hey, do you fancy a game of marbles?"

"Now?" Jerry pulled a face. "But I was going to get the plasticraft kit and set the new pair in resin."

"Can't that wait 'til later?" Alex scowled and folded his arms. "Don't you want to see my beauties?" Jerry's eyes lit up at this, and he hurried to collect his precious marbles from their drawer in the office.

---

They sat in the cemetery, on either side of a large tombstone which had fallen many years ago, and never been up-righted, a white circle drawn onto its grainy surface with children's chalk. Jerry had his marbles in a bag, and they spilled onto the flat rock. A dozen eyes with silver dead centres watching this way and that. He turned each of them so that they were facing him directly and spoke to them softly as Alex took out his own, remnants of the days from when he used to work in an abortion clinic. Jerry adored them, they seemed each to be their own masterpiece in resin.

"Are we playing for keepsies?"

Alex clicked his tongue at this and shook his head.

"You know we never do."

You have some great discriptions here such as: cigarette perched precariously between his thin lips. You've got some intresting characters here, a ver good job. My hat's off to you.

His collection seemed so very small, he didn't often get the chance to get the chance to make marbles, and he hadn't been able to get his hands on one for a good few weeks.

Ha. I do this too from time to time. Usually I'm thinking about something when I'm writing, pause, and then when I write again I type the last few words over again.

Other than that, it was a fine piece, with good description, like said above. There really isn't much to improve on, so great job.


MM

Lady Pirate: Thanks for reading this, I'm glad you liked that line, I did too

Magicman: Oh man, I'm always doing that! *goes back and edits* Thanks much for pointing it out ^^

The marbles rolled and clicked against each other as Jerry pulled open the drawer.

Come on, lets get read of that nasty little word that obliterates fiction: as. Its boring. This could be made active: Jerry pulled open the drawer, marbles rolled and clicked against each other inside.

Whenever he felt down, he would come to see his little beauties, and they would watch him fondly as he stroked their smooth, calming surfaces. Jerry sighed. His collection seemed so very small, he didn't often get the chance to make marbles, and he hadn't been able to get his hands on one for a good few weeks. Caressing the surface of his favourite one last time, Jerry slid the drawer shut and took off his bloody apron.

I think the personification of the "looking marbles" doesn't really add anything to the marbles. I would cut it out and just have Jerry admiring the marbles. The apron is a little bit thrown in....

Waiting for him in the garage was the Hurst, Alex leaning against the car door with a cigarette perched precariously between his thin lips. Flowered sprays #FF0000 ">that spelled: 'Mother', were the only clue that gave any hint towards the identity of the deceased within, it was the sort of thing that had bothered Jerry when he first started working there, that and how Alex himself seemed to be as pale as the #FF0000 ">bodies he couriered.

Corpses is more powerful, but its overkill. Forgive the pun.

"What are you doing today then?"

"Well," Alex grinned devilishly and blew a puff of smoke up into the cool air "today I'm driving Mrs Price here up to the church for her service, and then back here for her cremation." A light smile began to play on Jerry's lips, Alex saw this and laughed. "Yeah, I know, we haven't had one for a while. Do you still remember what to do?"

Jerry turned away and replied softly as he walked back into the main building.

"Of course I do."

Speech: Moves on the story. Is this what is happening here? This entire dialogue could be summed up with in character narration.

---

Dark suits, dark ties, dark faces. It was the exact same view each time Jerry hoisted a coffin onto his shoulder and carried it through tearful relatives singing hymns in broken voices.

I think "view" is the wrong word. I dont usually class crowds as a "view."

All eyes fell upon the casket as it proceeded down the aisle, to where the oven laid waiting. From this side it had been changed to be #FF0000 ">aesthetically pleasing, smooth plaster to hide the jagged metal edges, and a pair of wrought iron gates concealed any view of the inside.

Dear dear, a tad bit messy here. Try and rephrase the second sentence onwards.

Everything would be burned, and come the end, no-one would be able to tell what was – or wasn't – in the coffin when it had slid inside.

Again, messy phrasing, not entirely making sense.

Ok, the rest of your dialogue is good, entertaining. Im wondering where this piece is going - I can see no external plot at all introduced into this scene? Just marbles. It was a nice piece and your style is good (in places, you slipped up - I forgive you ) but Im wondering what the point was, there is little conflict.

Hm... literary style it seemed to me.

Okay, the one thing I have to comment I like is the eccentricities of the characters. Marbles and cremation are an odd combination to be sure. And disturbing.

and they would watch him fondly as he stroked their smooth, calming surfaces

Blech. Bad attempt at the tactile sense IMO.

He turned each of them so that they were facing him directly and spoke to them softly as Alex took out his own, remnants of the days from when he used to work in an abortion clinic. Jerry adored them, they seemed each to be their own masterpiece in resin.

This is where things become creepy. Really creepy. What are these marbles exactly? I'm not sure I want to know. Btw, 'abortion clinic' is one of those terms that kind of shock the reader. Not really in a good way, either. What I mean is, when I read it, it interrupted the flow. I thought, "why is that phrase in there?" I think we need either something more gradual or a little more relevance. It just seemed to come suddenly out of his past.

Intriguing piece. It's one of those things that is so eerie that it could be something that happened in real life. ^_^

Phorcys: Gah, those sentences are rather messy, thanks for pointing them out, I'll try and fix 'em ^^ Thank you for reading *gives cookie*


Trident: Reading through it now, I see what you mean about the 'abortion clinic' part being kinda abrupt and unexpected, yeah, it really could do with being more gradual, I'll have to work on that. And thank you for reading ^^

'Lo Tinny. ^_^


All for the Positive --

...My first impression is simply brilliant entry. I enjoyed the thing on each level, and you hit quite a few, pulling depth out of what might have been mere morbidity; layering your settings with characters, characters with setting. 'Tis rare to see them compliment each other so well.

And incongruity aside, the marbles fit as well as anything else. On description, you're vivid without being garish; Jerry and Alex are neatly differentiated by a few brief actions, and their voices.

Someone - not quite sure who - remarked that 'abortion clinic' seemed out of place or abrupt. Somehow, I liked it as it was, both for its suddenness and bizarre match. It rather neatly, if jarringly, reflected the morbidity of the morgue. But perhaps a euphemism would get the same point across? I'm not certain.


...Nitpicks and Negatives--

Whenever he felt down, he would come to see his little beauties, and they would watch him fondly as he stroked their smooth, calming surfaces.

Whenever he felt downwards? o0'

As for the idea of them watching, I got the awful feeling they were glass eyes, stolen from the dead and used a marble. I suppose that's likely merely my mind? ^_^''

Then, watch your typos. ^_^ You drop some things, like --

This side looked to un-natural

--Unnatural: single word, yes?

The priest proceeded with the ceremony, much shorter that the one which took place at the church,

--Than, rather than 'that'.

"Can't that wait 'til later?" Alex scowled and folded his arms. "Don't you want to see my beauties?" Jerry's eyes lit up at this, and he hurried to collect his precious marbles from their drawer in the office

--Jerry[...] might be better dropped to its own paragraph.


--


To Close --

Oy, again, the placing of abortion clinic seemed apt. But the finishing on dialogue - loved it, on all points. ^_^








IMP

[ courtesy of the CCF ]