another untitled

i'm obviously trying to publish a bunch of poems, and really could use some crits. thank you!!!

The time I spent with you was bliss,
but now those days are gone.
And now I think that you should know,
I thought you were the one.

The one who'd save me from this hell.
The one who's hold me close.
And as the walls around us fell,
I knew I loved you most.

It's not fair for you to leave like this,
I want what's rightfully mine.
You took my heart with you that day,
Without it I won't be fine.

But with it comes the heartache,
but with it comes the pain,
and I doubt that I can take,
One of those again.

Hi! Overall, I think this poem is a bit simple, and that you could add that something else to make it more original and to make the situation a bit more individual.

The first stanza is lacking of further meaning, maybe you could illustrate why the time was bliss, just to make us see why the person was so special, and really appreciate what it meant to say that 'those days are gone'.

Then, the second stanza was kind of weird for me... First, the tense of the second line, shouldn't it be as the first line? ('the one who'd hold me close')

And then the 3rd and 4th lines have nothing to do with the first two lines...

I liked the 3rd stanza, but I would change the last line, though.

The last stanza was a bit confusing for me, when put in context with the previous one... First you said that without the heart you wouldn't be fine, and now you say that with it, you would have heartache and pain, and that you couldn't endure them again...

I may not have understood that part well, sorry!

Um, and maybe changing the words of the last two lines would be fine, they don't seem to me as a good ending.

I'm sorry I'm questioning everything you wrote... but I do it with good intentions, hehe.

The one [s]who's[/s] who'd hold me close.

I liked the rhyme scheme, but I think that s3 was clunky, like Lu Marielle, it's the last line.

The problem with this though is that it is navel gazing. It isn't reaching farther outside into the world than your heart; which isn't very far. How can I relate to this and feel anything? I'm not in this situation. I should feel some of your pain.

It's also kind of a list of things. I've always found that emotional poems work better when an actual scene is given, but then you struggle to define why it is a poem and not prose, but still, this is just too abstract and list like, it makes it hard to get into.

This article might help you: Emotional Poetry. If you're trying to publish poetry, like I will always say, read poetry! See what really gets published, and learn.

Hey! I liked the poem, and the concept, but it seems rather plain. You could probably revise it to make it more appealing to editors. There wasn't much imagery, just emotion, which isn't, I suppose, a bad thing, it just doesn't really give the reader a solid ground to base the poem around. It didn't really make me understand your situation, which might be something you could work on.

One more thing, in the last stanza:

and I doubt that I can take,
One of those again.

That didn't really seem to fit with the rest of the poem, rhythmically. A suggestion might be to find different words that give you more syllables, for example,

and I'm not sure if I can take,
another one again.

Okay, bad example, but do you see what I mean? Just read it outloud, and if a line sounds off to you, syllable wise, it probably is.

Happy writing, and I hope I don't sound like a jerk,
~Luna~

This poem is extremely basic. It doesn't really say anything other than a guy you loved left you with pain. It's like so many others only re-worded a bit. It seems more like a rough draft than a fully developed product.

But because it is a common theme it is relatable, and for that reason there is potential to make it better. To create piece of writing with the ability to lead a reader into feeling the way you wanted them to with your words is the greatest and hardest thing to achieve.

This has potential if you would add originality, and more specifics as to what makes this soured romanced different from the next. It's a decent start, a good skeleton to build off of. Just keep at it, and NEVER "throw" any of your work away, and NEVER give up on anything.

No offense meant,
~K.G.

I like this poem a lot, but as the other posters said..it really does need a lot of work.
A good idea would be to read the poem out loud to yourself. I found extra syllables in a few stanzas that made me trip over the words as I read it in my head (imagine what it would be like read out loud..). The extra syllables makes the poem choppy, and what you're aiming at is a smooth beautiful piece.

The last stanza didn't seem right to me.
The "but"s used twice after each other made it feel overused. Try changing it to "and" or another conjuction.
The extra comma after take is not needed, as it is extra punctuation.
I found the last line rather confusing..one of what again? In that same stanza you mention two things (pain and heartache), not one.

I do love this poem, but I feel like it needs a long look-over. Good luck =)

Mel