If...

Ok, I'm trying to get a bunch of my romantic poems published in a small book, and I could REALLY use some help with getting them super good. PLEASE CRITIQUE THESE!!! (Thank you =))


If the sun didn't shine,
If the wind didn't blow,
If the world remained dark,
Then where would we go?

If up became down,
If love wasn't real,
If life was a lie,
Then what would we feel?

If we'd never met,
If we didn't see,
If fate had been different,
Then where would we be?

The 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts'
Don't matter at all,
All that does matter,
Is that we saw.

Hello! Umm, I think your poem has, let's say, potential... It's just, the 'if' poems are a bit used, not quite original... May be if you wrote some of your reflections, your guessed answers to the questions you proposed in the first three stanzas, you could turn it a bit more original, and give it your special touch...if not, well, I think it looks too empty.

And about the last stanza, I couldn't possibly get what you meant, especially the last line.

As Lu says, this isn't overly original.In it's own right, there really isn't anything wrong with this. I'd change the last line, as "all" and "saw" do not rhyme, thus your rhyming scheme is disrupted, which is to the detriment of the flow.Rhyme the last line with "all". (ball, call, fall, drawl,hall, maul,brawl, stall...).
However, I think it would be intresting to put this draft in a drawer and come at it from a new angle. Try to make it more vivid and engage the senses more.Try to feel it as much as you can.The more you can feel it, the more everyone else can.
Hope this helps.

As it is, it's a cute little poem but I agree that it's not original enough. Who hasn't written an 'if' poem before? I certainly have and it ran along the same lines. The only problem is, it's very hard to write this from a different angle so I suggest you tidy this one up and then put it to one side and try to write something really unique.

The poem shows good rhythm and rhyme in the first three stanzas which you should continue in the last. In fact, the last stanza is altogether too weak. Don't repeat matter and try to make your point stronger. Also, don't bring 'and' and 'but' into it when the poem is entitled 'if' and has covered only 'if' until this point. Sorry I couldn't help much,

Heather xx

Everything said above is all good.

This reminds me of something I might get in a chain letter, or something, you know? It's cute, it rhymes, it doesn't have too much substance, and if I don't forward it to 6.022X10^23 people, then I'll die. [ooer, that was a Chem. joke.]

It just lacks much behind it. It asks if, but like Lu said, that's done a lot. And what does this poem say to me? The reason I like poetry is because it speaks straight to the reader and their own interpretations can be made, and I can be led to feel something. This didn't do that.

It's the same for all of your poems, you need to go deeper, you need to express feelings, you need to stop telling. I highly suggest you stop writing, and start reading. Then after you've learned, come back to writing poetry.

I like the rhyme in this but the rhyme in the last stanza seems forced. Saw and All don't really rhyme that well and the last line was a bit too short. Also, it needs more feeling. It's a little cliche since we all wonder what if? Do you see what I'm saying? It't a good poem though, very catchy and kinda cute. Good job on this!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Okay, this is good but I'm not entirely sure about the repetitive nature of the word"if".

It is just oo much and especially seen as though the title is "If", so therefore maybe you should rethink this, before trying to go any further with your publishing dreams.

But I did like the concept and meaning behind the poem and this that it is a very clever piece, as it is different from any other poem on here, with your own style and therefore, originality.

Your structure and rhythm is good, as well as your punctuation, so apart from my first outlined, I can find no other problems with this.

Good work.

Not bad, I think with a little more work, it would become a nice poem.

Keep up the work!

What other peeps said is good... for my two cents worth, I'd advise changing the last line:

The 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts'
Don't matter at all,
All that does matter,
Is that we saw.

Change that to what, and I think it will make more sense. To my mind, anyway.

Well, I never wrote an "if" poem. I don't know, but anyway thanks for the effort. Try working on this some more, maybe expanding.