Thoughts Untold-redone

Ok. So I posted a much shorter version of this poem and people didn't really like it. They thought that it was too short, and sort of repetitive. Well, this one was in my blog. And some people commented it and said I should post it. I don't know if it's any better than the other one, but that's why you guys are here. Let me know what you think. You can be harsh, it's welcomed. I just need some feedback.

xoxo
-Caitlin

THOUGHTS UNTOLD

thoughts untold
are deep within this mind
things go unsaid
what's in a word anyways?
these thoughts aren't shared
and these thoughts
never will be
stored in that special place of mind
where no one can get to them
except you
dreams of death
thoughts of suicide
things that go untold
thoughts you wouldn't dare
share
things that go unsaid
thoughts that cause you to snap
like a broken soul
you aimlessly wander about
not saying these thoughts
untold

My main problem with this is the lack of rhythm/flow. It bounces back and forth and sideways and every which way possible until you have no idea how you are supposed to read it. You also have no punctuation, which drives me equally nuts.

My suggestion would be to read more poetry and start to recognize (and maybe note beside each poem or something) the elements in the flow that make the poem easily read aloud (as in yes, you must read it aloud). Maybe even choose one of these poems and mimic it with other words--just match the syllables per line up and see what you get from that!

Good luck,
WM

Mnmm.. I have to agree with the above. Although I think with a little work, mainly a few capitals and such, you could greatly improve the reception of the peice. That said, it obviously wasn'y terrible, and I say your chosen 'topic' is fairly interesting. Some tidying up would help though.

What this looks like to me is a bunch of vague, abstract, and sometimes slightly emo phrases strung together. And...that's kind of what it is. But don't worry, Caitlin! I figure everyone who ever wanted to write poetry goes through the stringy-vague-phrase phase. Here are some things you can do to get out of it:

-Read. Read LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of poetry.

-Use punctuation when you write. Use complete sentences. It is true that not all great poets use proper punctuation, but you've got to follow the rules before you can break them.

-Start showing instead of telling. This suffers because all the ideas are abstract and tell-y. Why not show a situation instead? Did something bad happen to the person telling this story? Who is he/she? What happened to him/her? What around him/her provokes this? Use an experience of your own; what did you feel like during that time? Were you ambivalent about anything? What did you do?

-Get some imagery in there. This'll help with the whole show-tell situation. And remember, imagery isn't just visual; smell stuff, hear stuff, touch stuff, taste stuff...whatever you choose to include will help a reader connect to your piece. Which of these two phrases would show more: "I'm sad" or "The taste of tears..."? (Of course, I don't exactly recommend using "The tase of tears" because it's kind of silly and cliche, but you get the idea.)

-Write. Write LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of poetry and edit it like you don't have a soul. (Well, keep your soul, but still edit ruthlessly.) Nearly any poem, with revision, can turn into something great, and no poem has ever been written that doesn't need revision. You can only get better by practicing all the time.

Keep working on it!
-Colleen

Well I really liked it. Although some bits seemed a little off.

Here is what I would do:

[s]thoughts[/s]Thoughts untold
[s]are[/s] Lie deep within this mind
[s]things[/s]Things that go unsaid
[s]what's in a word anyways? [/s]
[s]these [/s]These thoughts [s]aren't[/s] haven't been shared
and these thoughts
never will be (I wasn't quite sure what to change this line to, it needs quite a bit of reowkring though)
[s]stored[/s]Stored in that special place [s]of mind[/s] in your mind
[s]where[/s] Where no one can get to them
[s]except you [/s](This line just didn't fit)
dreams of death
thoughts of suicide
things that go untold
thoughts you wouldn't dare to
share
things that go unsaid
thoughts that cause you to snap
[s]like a broken soul
you aimlessly wander about
not saying these thoughts
untold[/s](None of this seemed to fit)

I would definetly keep working on this poem because I think it is a great idea!

I think it needs to be broken up a bit. It reads too much like one long sentence. I think it help immeasurably if you read your poem out loud (or even better, have someone else read it out loud to you.) So you can kind of tell where the natural breaks are.

...EMO!!!! lol

Well, with a little work it could be really good!

ok i don't know much about editing it i for one throughly enjoyed it
it is one of the few peoms i actually relate to
don't change is my opinion