No Guarantee

Okay. And she tells herself, "Take the plunge, you can do it!" So I'm being brave. Be proud!!! : )
But, this is my first poetry piece ever. So while you tear it apart (no worries, I welcome violence) try not to get blood on the carpet. ^_~

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The waves of time
Appear and fade.
The fabric of the Universe
Unravels in slow.
In my world,
And all that goes on in it
I cannot say,
Whether or not
I am parallel.
With life passing by
All in a rush,
I question why we
Wonder about the future,
When there is no guarantee.

Considering this is your first attempt at poetry, well done [much, much better than the absolute nonsense I wrote when I started out]. Still, there are a lot of things for you to learn and I hope you'll be patient with what I'm sure is about to be a very long post ;]

First of all: it helps when poetry makes literal sense. It seems like the final word of a few sentences have been left out: parallel to what? Unravels in slow ____? Motion? Some other thing? You cannot say what about your world and what goes on in it?

A lot of time when you're starting out it can be helpful to write your poem, then take out all the linebreaks. Read through from grammar, structure and sense as prose, add punctuation like it's prose, and then put the linebreaks back in. This will generally assure that things make sense and that we're not left hanging, and that your punctuation works. [For information about punctuation, read Clau's article.

Besides technical details, the poem as a whole is vague. It seems like that would be poetic, when you're starting out - describing the life, the universe and everything with a few strokes of the pen or on the keyboard ... what could be more fitting for a poet, right? But the opposite is true. Most of the best poems, whether they're describing some sweeping truth or just telling a small story, use concrete details, images, and metaphors to set the scene and get the meaning through. You started on this road: "waves of time" is an interesting image; time is so abstract and nothing that I can see or imagine, but "waves" makes it more earthly and understandable and starts setting the feeling of the poem right from the first word.

Mos important when you're learning: read poetry. Read poetry from Shakespeare to Billy Collins, Jonne Donne to Saul Williams. Look those four guys up and then see where your travels take you. When you read, pay attention to what parts of a poem you like and what makes you want to read it a second time. What tricks of the language are your favorites? How might you emulate them and make them your own? You can learn by example and emulation -- see what poets before you have done and how you can use that.

These links might also be helpful:
A Guide to Poetry and Critique
Another "Guide to the Art of Poetry". Important: The last post has a MASSIVE reading list.

Hm. It was overly simplistic for me, and I couldn't feel anything from it. It didn't take use of imagery either.

I think I've read too many poems about the universe and questioning things, as well. You'd have to do something very new and unexpected for me to actually like a poem about those things.

So try to go for some new topics to write about, expand your field. Use imagery and sensory images when writing. express feelings but also give the reader feelings. Just like SE said, read poetry ^_~

Best of luck.

I, for the most part, agree with the both of them. I think that it'a lacking that....cennection that the reader feels. I couldn't really get into it. Although, I must admit, for a first poem, you get the gist of things. It's well written, but it lacks feeling. Reading poetry helps. Otherwise, it was a good first poem. Much better than what I started out with, also.

xoxo
-Caitlin

What is this about? The first several lines seemed to be about time, but then suddenly it switched to worries about the future.

First of all, thanks to everyone who critiqued, you rock! Sorry if it was a little painful to read though. At least I now have an excellent guide and checklist to follow from now on!

SE thanks for all the advice. I understand what you said and have almost memorized the paragraph : p. The part about vagueness caught me off guard though. I mean, I get what you are saying but I had never really given it a thought before. It's like you want your reader to think more about the feeling and the point of the poem rather than trying to figure out what it was about. (Ha sorry about that CK

As for Clau and Red, I have to admit I really didn't put any emotion at all into it... and it was a basic way of writing it which is by fault boring. (whoops...) But, I'm not loosing total faith in it. I figure I shall go back and put it in once I know more about the world of poetry. That, of course, means reading poetry!

Thanks to all!
Sid

This is a confusing piece.. But for your first attempt, well done. I am in the beginner stages still and I can't give much advice or help [How useful am I?!] but I liked this, once I read it over again.

I took it to be about how, as humans, we know nothing about what's "out there" and that we cannot predict what will happen.

I liked this, very mysterious, but I think some work could be done to it to make it flow easier and also make the imagary better.

Good work though. =]