Melnikov #2 /P

Removed.

Incan wrote:"I just want play," Jon whined, half-amused at Kyle.

This feels unfinished. Say half-amused at Kyle's... whatever. Say what it is about Kyle that amuses Jon. His manner? Expression, voice or what?

Incan wrote:"Allright, then," Mr. Hoffman tipped his hat. "Thank you very much, Doc."

Allright = alright

Full stop instead of comma.

Add in very between thank you and much.


I can't comment on conflict or anything, as I haven't read any of the other chapters, but this was well written and all the other stuff was fine.

This is quite good. The dialogue is excellent and keeps me intruiged. I especially love Kyle, and the way he is described. Well done. The one thing I might suggest is to stretch out the plot; maybe add a bit more detail to the things around the people...whether is be landscape or a feeling in the air.

Until next time,
The lovely Duchess

EDITED by Sam: Sorry, Duchess- as much fun as it is, we shan't use that word here, okay? Something more lighthearted, like "Meanie Poo Head", might be in order. ^_~ Got to keep it clean for the kids, namely Brad. *ducks*

"Kyle?" Jon asked, returning to the patient file. "No Dr. Lylac?"

That confused me...

Uh, I have to say that this whole thing confused me and I really don't know what is going on. I did in this chapter, but not in relation to the last chapter. Things just don't make sense, its like things aren't lining up or you haven't explained everything yet.

Of course, I could have just forgotten a whole bunch of stuff from #1 like I normally do...

"Hush," Kyle interrupted. "This vavcation is non-negotiable.

*vavcation=vacation. That was all I saw wrong that hasn't already been said.

On that not, I really liked this! I think it was a great addition to the previous chapter. The Kyle/Jon thing still makes me extremely happy though I was discouraged by the way Kyle reacted to the whole date thing. They're adorable together. Oh and during the part where Jon was saying he wasn't ready...I was so lost. I could have sworn they were talking about something else...but I got it after a couple of seconds, lol. I'm, starting right after I post this, waiting impatiently for the next post! No pressure .

~Rieda