Toss-Up

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Basically, I want to show how odd I was about this particular event, and how emotional...but still keep a sense of humor. Minimal sappy, then. Did I achieve? Any, any tips at all would be appreciated. I normally don't write this sort of thing.
___

I have this odd nervous habit of naming my nails after the wives of Henry the Eighth- you know, Aragon, Boleyn, Parr…and then, I rip them off, one by one, in a grandiose manner. With a flourish. With vigor not seen since the witch hunts of yesteryear.

There’s a sigh from the desk in front of me. The judge’s table- three balding engineers, one of whom can’t speak much English, the other two silent. All seem equally bored. “A-1, can you please buzz in?”

I can’t. I can’t do this.

Anne of Cleves is bleeding a little, and the already-headless hurt when I touch them to the buzzer, a hideous brown contraption that causes a sound not unlike a car alarm. And, ironically enough, possibly holds the key to a scholarship the magnitude of Henry’s stomach.

Normally I’m not so nervous. Normally I’m fine. Normally I can name the three stages and four substages of mitosis, lickety-split. Radiation fog and advection fog’s differences are as clear as daylight, and I can convert Fahrenheit to Kelvin like nobody’s business.

But today there’s something horribly wrong- five chairs, one empty.

A diagnosis. Standing in front of my locker, shelving books, cracking gum.

“Where’s Manizha?”

“Meant to tell you- she’s in the hospital.”

“What? Why?”

A shrug. “Think it’s leukemia, but I dunno.”

Knees buckle, pop as they hit the ground. Pain shooting up my leg, the voices in the backgroun slowly blurring together, becoming indistinct.


Out of shock, maybe, I press the buzzer. Having a flashback in competition isn’t a very good thing, and suddenly I’m filled with the urge to shout something like, “Dark matter!” or “Charm quark!” to fill the gap.

“Coaches, shake hands.”

Two names exchanged, probably forgotten. The man in the middle of the table clears his throat and shuffles his stack of papers like an evening news anchor.

“Toss up, multiple choice. A device used to measure small amounts of electric current is called a W) Electroscope. X)…”

The scissors were poised in exactly that shape above my head- an ‘x’. Hair in a ponytail, braided.

“You sure?”

“Sure as I’ll ever be.”


“Y, Galvonometer!”

My voice is abrupt and loud. The judge looks at me funny, almost worried- like one of those kids on medication to help them win. It’s strange, the way grown-ups are when there’s money and egos involved. “Correct. Four points for team A.”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I saw a heart in a jar.”
She’s sitting on her bed, watching Sabrina on the TV screen planted into the wall. The window offers a panorama of the city below; the lunch tray an assortment of high-fat foods. Potatoes, gravy, mac ‘n’ cheese. Anything to keep her weight up.

“Really?”

“Yeah, floating in formaldehyde. Pretty sweet, huh?”

“Yeah.”

She’s silent for a moment, meters beeping, muted. The IV bag slowly shrinks as the minutes pass. “You know what?”

She’s grinning.

“What?”

“Everyone’s so nice to me now. Think they’d suspect anything if I, say…took over the world?”

And then both our eyes travel to the tube in her chest, the one that brings her a mixture of orange and clear liquid.

Silence.


The marker squeaks across the scorecard, four-zero. Ninety-six points until a victory, theoretically. Jane Seymour weakly scratches against the table, protesting all the way to the chopping block. My mind goes in circles, watching her.

"It’s funny. I’m the one with cancer, and you’re the one with no hair.”

“Team A, are you ready for your bonus question?”

A nod of assent. A few grumbles.

“Chemistry, short answer. What is the scientific difference between a solution and a suspension?”

Easy. Easy-peasy.

The first doesn’t separate, no matter how much you toss it up.
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Knees buckle, pop as they hit the ground. Pain shooting up my leg, the voices in the background slowly blurring together, becoming indistinct.


Ooer, Sam. It was emotional, but in a subtle, "Let's make you see emotion without knowing you are seeing emotion." But I think my opinion might be slanted, in some strange way, because I recall the mention of both incidents. Your friend, and the science bowl, tak? So I know what is going on, but it would be best if someone who didn't also read this, so then you could get a completely unknowing opinion ^^;

I think it was beautiful, really, and I wish you would write more of these types of things! You're great at it, because you know what to not do. And you're so quirky, too. I officially want to answer, "Charm quark" on any test when I don't know the answer. and I don't know what a Charm Quark is, either. Never even heard of it. Your genius slays me m'dear. But this piece was lovely. I can't critique it ^^; I enjoyed it, and that is all!
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Oh, I really liked this. I'll come back when I can offer a coherent critique.

Gah! Stop being so dang brilliant! You're making me look terrible. :P
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I have this odd nervous habit of naming my nails after the wives of Henry the Eighth- you know, Aragon, Boleyn, Parr…and then, I rip them off, one by one, in a grandiose manner. With a flourish. With vigor not seen since the witch hunts of yesteryear.


most excellent

I wish fade in/fade out from reality to flashback was more emphasized. You know how in movies you can still hear echoes of the last scene when the next one pops up? I think that might be cool.

The last line was ambiguous; it was italicized like the flashbacks, but didn't really seem to fit. Unless you intended it that way?

I don't know if I'd really call it sappy. Even mildly so. I want to use the word melodramatic instead, at times, but I'm not sure if that's the right word either. Maybe because of lack of action directly following much dialogue? Then again, I think many real life happenings and conversations are melodramatic as well, so I don't know if I'm the best person to judge.

PM me if you have any questions.




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Oh nice. Emotional, not too soppy, just right. I like the touch about the nails being named. :wink:
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Niiiice...do you really name your nails?

Anyway, this was a really good piece, and Claudette caught the typo. Besides, how could I, who am not worthy to lick the tip of your pen's genius, offer you a constructive crit? XD

Anyway, weird compliments aside, great work!

Yours most truly, 8)
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This was fantastic, Sam. I can't offer much criticism--a, I'm at work, and b, it doesn't need much (if any), and Clau already caught the typo--but I just wanted to offer kudos on a job well done. This has to be one of the best short stories I've seen around here. ^^ Certainly one of the most touching. I particularly admire how you handled the emotion; holding it at a distance, sort of, so it didn't overwhelm the story and make it all cheesy. You found the perfect balance. ^^
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*sigh of relief* Not cheesy! Hurrah!

But, anyway, thank you guys, so much. I do love getting reviews; it's sort of like getting mail. ^_^

Few specific-type things:

Claudette: Spelling...error? O_O Lordy Lou, I'll fix it.

Quarks are...I think they are like the things between atoms, or the parts between the parts of atoms. Ask Brad. I had to memorize the types, though- Top, Bottom, Up, Down, Charm, and Strange. It's the way they fill space, or multiply, or something. Eh, quantum physics was never my thing. XD

And I should definitely clarify now. I'm not very good at being Captain Obvious; I am more like Corporal Subtle.

AmeliaOliver: Ooh, that's a grand point! I shall have to incorporate bits of things into the flashbacks- just realized they don't make a whole lot of sense the way they are. -_-

But, yeah, I'll fix up the last line. Something about the way everything was 'tossed up' when she was diagnosed, but that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, so...maybe scrap that line, and the title should be "Five Chairs, One Empty". Or something. *runs to go find a title*

Ari, Twitty, sokool, and Fand: Another big thank you to you guys. ^_^

Big luuurve to all...I'm going to go edit now.
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Quarks are what make up the subatomic particles protons, neutrons, and [I believe] electrons, like protons/neutrons/electrons make up atoms.

I think "Five Chairs, One Empty" fits better and makes more sense than "Toss Up"

Happy editing!




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Wow! You are brilliant! This seems quite proffessional, and some parts were so simple, yet complicated, that I had to reread them out loud. Incredibly well-done! Somehow, however, the line between flashback and relaity was too thin--but also too thick. It was thin because I did not really find any difference other than the indent, and I suggest you sort of add something about the scene before each flashback moment. Too thick because I did not really see how they all connected.

Otherwise, excellent!
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Sam! This was very nice. I agree with Clau, I like seeing you write stuff like this every once in a while. And wouldn't you know it, I, Perfectionist Supreme, cannot find anything I dislike.

*thumbs up*

As previously stated, the nails bit is genius.
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wow sam. wow. powerful. no critiques, just general wowness. yes I said wowness. my brain feels like unintelligible muck. I think I spelled unintelligible wrong. that's how wowed I am.



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