Song of the Secret Keepers

This section is a bit confusing. I can't keep everyone straight and what is happening. Are the boys listening to the conversation? I thought only one person was arguing with the priest! And who is this Pelin? Isn't the priest old? SO...when did his father come into the scene? IT is just very confusing. Maybe I missed something. (Which is highly likely) But I don't think I did. Just, ever so often, remind your reader who is speaking and where the scene is taking place.
Other than that, this was good. More detail of what the church looked like would be marvelous. Lol.
007

Thanks, 007. I'll have to read through the scene again and see what I can do.

I post these directly from my Alphasmart which only lets me view 4 lines of text! When I stop and turn off the machine, I can't see much of what I've typed so I get lost.

What happened was I got so wrapped up in the dialogue that I forgot to take the reader into the setting!

Yes! Fishes is a correct word! Referring to differing species, that is. Just one species, it's "fish".

Kinda like bananas being an herb. 'Tis a rare fact most people don't know.

XD That's okay. My suggestion would be to read it on YWS after you have posted it to see if everything fits. Just a suggestion. I really like it, but I think that the detail is what really brings the reader into the story. XD (It is also my favorite part of your stories!) Lol. Keep up the good work! Love, 007

I don't like to edit before posting. I want people to see the very raw, basic bones of the story I'm trying to write. If I edit too much, I might be missing out on some great suggestions. My edit might be so great that they just don't want to think of anything to add. While doing it this way, I can get all kinds of feedback.

Hi Kel you doll face lol. I had promised you a critique and here it is.

"It was. And it is. I can feel it. Something is going on to disrupt them.

This seems awkard. I had to read it twice to truly understand what it meant.

Paltin smiled again and reached across the mountainous stack of parchment, large hand covering those of Kytus. "That must have been the hardest thing you have said, son.

He smiles when the song has stopped? Strange.

"We've already screwed up enough with Toc. If we don't get the payment back, he'll sack us both." Morthin nodded next to Ryal.

Screw doesn't work well for this situation. Also sounds too modernized for a fantasy. Use a different word that isn't so modern.

Now remember that Morthin and Ryal just stumbled into the temple/church after realizing how late they were getting the money for the blacksmith, Toc!

So what is it? A church or a temple? Never was a fan of using a back slash like that.

I like this story. The song, as you call it, is an interesting metaphor to use for something divine or sacred. I'm also wondering what the song is. I have a feeling this would lead to an interesting and in depth plot.

Your descriptons are well thought out. I could easily picture the scene. The problem is that you describe too much and it kinda put me off.It also slows the story down since you are describing something that we may never see again. This also links to another problem I had with this story.

The tea scene, for example, I thought was irrelevant to the story. Another factor that is slowing your story down and hence, bores the reader in the long run. The reader wants to know your story, not how they drink tea.

I thought the ideas in the story were good. But since the story's pacing is kinda slow, I got put off by it. I understand that you are working with a slow pace for your story, but at least keep it relevant to the story.

I hope this had been helpful and I am interested to see how this story shall develop (I really do). It's pleasing to have another great fantasy writer in joining the site.

Good luck
Andy

P.S: Consider this critique as a compliment. I normally don't waste my time with an in depth critque unless the story is worth it. So you've hit the jackpot doll face not to mention that I like you.

Part one -

Your description is amazing and the characterization for Toc is great. The other three characters all seemed rather similar but that's okay, you'll have plenty of time to separate their personalities later. I have only one suggestion -

His fine linen shirt was torn in places, mudded in others, the collar askew though he made no move to adjust it. [I think it should be muddied rather than mudded or perhaps covered in mud?]

Part 2 -

Again, some amazing description and I love how you make drinking a cup of tea seem exotic. I hate the stuff and yet I have the strangest temptation to go downstairs and make a cup... As for your characterization, now there are plenty of differences between the characters and here are a few specific points -

Tiny bells jangled at her ankles and wrists as she led the two to a cozy little table clothed in a gold cloth. [Perhaps say a gold material rather than cloth for the sake of not being repetitive.]

Her bare feet made no sound on the polished wood floor. [Perhaps polished, wooden floor would be smoother?]

"Maduri Aldora normally orders our most rare and delicate of tea. [I think tea should be plural?]

"These pots are only cleaned with the finest of sand and only after the water has dried.

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Other than that, I can't fault your word choice. I'm not sure if I have time to read the rest tonight because I wanted to look at a few other things but I shall certainly read some more tomorrow. Until then, let me just say that you have a brilliant piece of writing here so far!

*Edit* Okay, I'm back. Sorry I took so long but I've read the rest now and have some comments...

Part 3 -

This is perfect. The new characters are great and the seriousness of the conversation and their attitudes is a brilliant contrast to the other scenes and characters. You have a lot of conflict in this part and I'm very curious as to how the priest was injured so good work there. I suppose I would like a little more description of where all this discussion takes place but other than that, it's brilliant.

Part 4 -

A few specific points first -

His breath wheezed in his throat after running acrosstown. [A space is needed between across and town.]

Morthin was in a similar condition, one hand on his chest as the other clutched the wrapped cane.

Lakyle's insistance of the cane had put into perspective his years: all seventy-eight of them. [You use years here but earlier, you mention seasons. Choose one or the other.]

Altogether, it was really good. I agree that your description has slipped a touch so I'd love for you to go back and add more in but you had some great dialogue in this part that more than made up for it. Also, the introduction of the song and the second priest is interesting. I can't wait for the adventure to start but I'm a little worried as to who your 'evil' characters will be. There again, there's plenty of time to introduce the threat and so far you've done a great job.

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Hi again! First off, did you mean to repeat that first part over and over again? If so, I wouldn't and if, as I expect, it was a typo, you need to delete the two repetitions of the beginning and read it through carefully next time before you post.

A few suggestions -

The temples were going grey, giving him rather a stately appearance clad in his dark blue robes. [This might sound better if you phrased it - 'The temples were going grey, giving him a rather stately appearance that complimented his dark blue robes.']

The trio [s]was[/s] were ushered into the house, Quill stopping to pick[s]ed[/s] up both broom and carpet.

Nothing was heard but the puttering [Did you mean pattering?] of the professor in the kitchen, the deep breathing of Tiers, and the shallow, forced breath of Quill.

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Other than that, it wasn't as good as some of the previous installments but you still have lovely description and the characters are really loveable. Great work as usual.

Oh geez! That would be my eyes and the alphasmart! Oh, man. I'll fix it!

G’day, Kel ^_^ this is the story of which we were talking plot points, no?

Part One

I don’t like how the first three sentences began with nouns; I’d consider changing it up a bit. Other than that, your writing style is very nice to read because even though there were all these names I didn’t know (and couldn’t really pronounce ^_^) I didn’t feel like I didn’t know what was going on.

Morthin lifted himself onto his black leather boots, fine suede trousers in the creamiest of white tucked into them. His fine linen shirt was torn in places, mudded in others, the collar askew though he made no move to adjust it.

There are lots of fine things in this part; maybe a different adjective/description?

Morthin stood a full head shorter than Ryal, and the stark difference in their coloring often alarmed those around to see them.

This seems like a random fact thrown in. Or, a relevant fact thrown in at a random time.

His meaty hands enveloped the soft, worn wood of the top, callused palms rubbing against it. He was slightly rotund with a wide girth about him due to years of heavy lifting with his stomach. He had a merry grin and pale blue eyes the likes many in Entee had never seen before. Despite his build, Toc had a gaggle of ladies searching for his devotion.

Lots of info at once; I wanted to skip to the next paragraph. Random note on names: they’re unfamiliar, but I like how they’re each distinct; how they don’t begin or include similar letters. That way it’s easier to distinguish.

The silvery laughter of the Dornex boy glittered on the crisp springtime air as the eldest of the Stygian children gave him a great shove into the practice ring ropes.

Pretty image ^_^ And for the next few paragraphs, everyone’s voice seems to do something personified (I think that’s the right word). Is that a plot point hint? Side note on voice: I like how they have distinct ways of speaking.

"As long as we get outta the sun. You know how [s]much[/s] I burn, Ryal."

I think “much” sounds kinda funny there. I say get rid of it. Or maybe replace it with something like “badly” (even though I’m not sure that’s really a word) or “quickly”.

"Yes, you say that now, but what if I did burn?"

This sentence doesn’t make much sense to me, in context or out of context. I think it’s Ryal’s response to Morthin’s “whining”, or, no, never mind, Morthin’s response to Ryal’s mockery. It’s the “what if I did burn” that just seems like strange wording to me.

[s]That caused [/s]the Stygian boy [s]to[/s] cringe in jest before striding with long legs into a little cafe next to a man hawking cheap jewelry.

I’d reword the first half of this sentence. And I’d expand on “cringe in jest” because it’s too vague for me to really get a picture of.

Part Two

The atmosphere reeked of cosmopolitan influence

Love it! ^_^

A grand tapestry denoting the current rulers of the elves proclaimed itself loudly against the southern wall of the chamber.

"Welcome to the Seven Stars Teahouse, Madura. Would you care to bask in the sunlight here in the main hall, or are your tastes more private?"

I’m confused, did the tapestry actually proclaim itself and welcome them? or does the serving girl say this?

Morthin sat and leant far to the side to watch the fiery beauty slip away, almost seeming to take a piece of the sun with her

“almost seeming” almost sounds like you don’t know what you mean.

I liked the exploding sunlight imagery that follows

"I am Daki and I will serve you anything it is you wish, Madura." Both boys looked over to behold a short young lady with fiery hair. It was styled in pieces, every other piece braided and pinned to her head to give her the look of tassels. "If there is anything I might suggest to the Madura then I am only here to make you happy."

zoh gosh; I love her hair! Anyways, the second thing (above) that she says is strange, and I don’t think that it makes much sense, mostly the “… Madura then I am only here to make you happy” Is that her character to not really speak English?

Daki nodded and brushed her waist-length tassels behind her shoulder. "Maduri Aldora normally orders our most rare and delicate of tea. It is called White Snow. A very sweet plant grown only in the uppermost peaks of the Great Mountains, which separate the human lands from those of the elves. Very few of us are trained in the retreival of such plants. Those that are are regarded with deep respect and honor."

Is the tea background really necessary? :continues reading: oh, never mind >.<

“ heard you can't tell the difference between the boys and the girls right off," he said. "They're both more beautiful than the meaning of the word."

The part about being more beautiful than the word almost sounds too elegant for these rough boys.

"Well?" Ryal prodded as he gave Morthin's booted foot a gentle nudge with his own.

Maybe just me being stupid, but I think that it gives the image like they’re playing footsies. Maybe if he jabbed Morthin with his elbow? edit: on reread, maybe it’s not so out of place after all, unless I’m mixing up characters

Her voice beat a steady rhythm against the boys' ears, each one hanging on every word.

I think the hanging on words phrase is a bit cliché; elaboration and description would be more helpful.

I think somewhere I lost where Morthin and Ryal are going/ what they are doing; first they were delivering something, then they were in a teahouse, then…? eh, maybe I should finish reading before I comment ^.^

PM me if you have any questions
Critique to be continued…

I'm ba-ack; hehe

Part Three

Immediately the hinge of his jaw constricted at the tart flavor, the skin cracking as he chewed. It was not unlike the jaw-clenching taste of a cranberry, but more in line with the subtle graces of the pomegranate.

There are a'lots of "the"s in this part. Starts feeling circular after a while.

"There's no seeds." Ryal peeled apart the fragile flesh of the fruit to peer inside.

"Of course not," Daki replied with a secretive smile. "The trees don't produce seeds, Madur Stygian."

"Then how is it they make more?" Morthin interjected as Ryal continued to dissect his fruit[s]. There were bits of it in on his fine napkin as he poked around[/s], eating small pieces as he delved into it.

This part seems like lofty writing more suited to Daki than to a narrative; I think it would be nice for the narrative to contrast Daki, unless the ~real story is from Daki's point of view? The crossed out sentence seems wordy and unnecessary to me.

It was repeated twice more to fill three cups. She placed the pot atop the tray and sat, lifting her own glass.

Same with the first sentence above here; sounds a tad aloof; I'd use such sentences with care.

"Not every day. She keeps it to one time each week, and one of us always sits with her, to share in the White Snow..."

I'd say "once" instead of "one time" or "someone" instead of "one of us" to avoid repetition.

Random middle of story note: I love how Morthin talks!!

When Ryal is savoring the tea... nice that the softer word, savor, is used with the softer person, Ryal, and that previously, Morthin jumps to his feet and tosses his tea. I'd try to expand on that.

The very last sentence in chapter one is too long/wordy to be effectively humerous; see how you can cut it down.

Chapter Two

Too much information to be relevant in the first line? I think it loses the effect.

The information about physical features seemed like too much information as well, and that general section seemed o unnecessarily employ lofty speech.

This injury is for a reason and I don't need anything to help me along.

This is too telling-like. Try to show these things better.

"I can get along just fine without it." An understanding smile settled on the man's face, crinkling the edges of his eyes as a hand came to rest heavily upon Lakyle's shoulder.

Why does he need to understand his own smile?

To be continued...