x, y, z, can't function in time

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Version 5
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At the mountain's peak, my knees hold fast
when the ground splits and the wind files by
(since I am aerodynamic)
to extend the edges of my mouth, eyes, chin, in gorgeous red lines,
compelling me forward like stepping on a wave from sea to shore.
I balance between the now-two peaks,
jerking and scrambling as the timeframes are slipped together,
I'm shoved from one to the next
:ring pretty red around my head:
but when I look back, there's nothing to see
as if I've lost a whole dimension.



---
Version 4
---

At the mountain's peak, my knees hold fast
when the ground splits and the wind files by in a fourth variable
(since I am aerodynamic)
to extend the edges of my mouth, eyes, chin, in gorgeous red lines,
propelling me forward like stepping on a wave from sea to shore.
I balance between the now-two peaks,
jerking and scrambling as the frames are slipped together,
shoved from one to the next: ring pretty red around my head:
but when I look back, there's nothing of it to see
as if I've lost a whole dimension.



---
Version 3
---

At the mountain’s peak, my knees don’t strike
when the ground splits and the air crashes by me,
filing a fourth variable past (as I ám aerodynamic)
to extend the edges of my mouth, eyes, chin in gorgeous red lines.
It propels me forward
(like stepping on a wave from sea to shore).
Still balancing between the two peaks,
I jerk and scramble as the frames are slipped together
(as I seem to be displaced from one to the next).
But when I check back, there’s nothing of it to see
As if I’ve lost a whole dimension.



---
Version 2
---

On the mountain's peak, my knees don't strike
when the ground splits and time crashes by me
(aerodynamic though I am)
instantly entombed as I am rebuilt in drips and drops
from moment to desultory moment.
The ground folds again and I balance
(it's not so hard)
waiting for my feet, the ground, to return
as if never gone (if it was).
Floating me dreamily from moment to moment,
displacing me from one frame to another,
I jerk and scramble as the frames slip together.
They propel me forward
(like stepping on a wave from sea to shore)
but when I check back, there's nothing to see,
As if I've lost a whole dimension.



---
Version 1
---

My feet don't move
when the ground shifts beneath them
and time slips by me [aerodynamic as I am]
to be instantly preserved
just as I replace my own self
from moment to moment.
The ground breaks again and I balance
[it's not so hard],
waiting for it to build up again
as if never gone [who says it was]
floating me from moment to moment
moving me from one frame to another
barely tripping as they slide together,
[like stepping on a wave from sea to shore]:
but when we look back there's nothing to see
as if I've lost a whole dimension.





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I haven't posted for a bit, so... eep?
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LOVE the title, as it has to do with math and linear algebra. Therefore, the critique!

This critique will be mostly about word choice and how certain words can affect the reader's imagination more than others.

My feet don't move
when the ground shifts beneath them

Here's where I frowned. "The ground shifts beneath them" sounds long and unwielding, and the imagery is not very intense. So I right now envisioning sneakers (well... they have to do with feet) and the ground moving a little. But I would prefer a much more vivid imagery. Ground shifting? This means EARTHQUAKE! And earthquake is a very succinct way of saying "ground shifts beneath them."

The only catch? You would probably have to rewrite everything you wrote because, while earthquake is a good word, it is totally does not fit with the rest of your poem. So it ends up not working. Which means... the search for a new word comes up! Which one will show your message more clearly?

The culprit is "shifts." It's such a soft word that it hides in the poem. So... to change it! I would make it "quakes" which is a more strong verb. But this change does something kind of funky, which I shall point out because I am annoying like that. When you say "shift" it brings in mind the words "paradigm shift" which is most likely what you were thinking about when you used that word. It indicates a certain amount of notice of the event, but it doesn't have the emotional impact. Quakes, on the other hand, doesn't have the meaning of the word "shifts" but it does have an added bonus by personifying the ground and by doing this, bringing an emotional impact to the reader at once.

and time slips by me [aerodynamic as I am]
to be instantly preserved

Hmmm... these lines don't really stand out, but it's not because of the brackets (though the brackets only emphasize this). Rather, the culprits are "slips" and "preserved." You seem to have a fondness of soft words. While soft words are good many times, when a whole piece is composed completely of soft words, especially words that are as important as nouns and verbs, then the whole piece begins to get soft, mushy, and undiscernible. So you're going to have to come up with different words.

"Slips" mostly fails because it's such a common verb dealing with time that it is almost cliche. Compare "slips" in your poem with "stumbles, "skims," "skates," and "skeeters" (the last word incidentally seems to be made up by me?) and you have a different picture altogether. Choose a word that gives a vivid picture of what you want to say. "Slips" is too cliched to do that.

I like "preserves" as a word, especially in a poem which is supposed to express uncertainty, but only if you decide to use jelly as a metaphor. With poetry, the more dual words you can have, the better (as long as you are aware of the duality the poem and recognize it!) So in the poem "When my love swears she is made of truth" by William Shakespeare, the last lines are "Therefore I lie with her and she with me/And in our faults by lies we flattered be." So, because the poem has to deal with truth and lies and the marriage bed, it fits wonderfully.

But, as jelly isn't a metaphor, "preserves" is much too mild a word for what you want to say. Get bolder.

Hm. I'm running out of time.

The poem has promise and I like the metaphors with the earthquake and mathematical analysis going on, but it is full of too many soft verbs to be poignant. Print this poem out and underline all the verbs. Then, arm yourself with a dictionary and a thesaurus and look up these words. Do they have any different connotations you can use to your advantage? Look up the words in the thesaurus. Are there any substitutes of the words you used that make sense and would sound lovely in the poem?

So yeah. Hope that helps!

First of all, a BIG hug to Snoink!

So... better? I think so, but then again, I'm neck deep in it, so can't look at it too too objectively. Here are my new verbs (and I'm very proud of them ):

strike
split
crash
entomb
regrown
fold
balance
wait
close
float
displace
jerk
scramble
slip
propel
step
check
see
lose

Am I an unfortunate fan of parentheses?

I always confuse this: when is "was"/"were" correct? Is it "If I was" or "If I were"? I know it's "They were" and "he was", but oh bother.

Snoink, I moved slip so that it doesn't have quite the same connotation; I hope it's not still bordering on a cliche? And while we're on the subject of cliches, is "propelling" one?

Hm... the new version strikes me as rather prose-y. You do so much telling, and so little showing!

I agree, lots of telling!

And I would say more, but it seems wordy-ish and so my brain freaks out and doesn't comprehend it well x_x you'll have to forgive me. It just went in my brain and out--I couldn't process it. Silly, huh?

So now that I've stopped going in a hundred different directions...

Yay for version 3! yes? Is it at least getting better each time?

Thank you, Fand and Claudette for your critiques; I've done my best to incorporate them. Though it does seem a little prose-like still ... *arg, back to the drawing board* ... I hear a version 4 pending...

At the mountain’s peak, my knees don’t strike

"Don't strike" doesn't sound right... can you think of something that doesn't use the word "don't"?

when the ground splits and the air crashes by me,

I don't like "by me" since it draws too much attention to "me." Just... let it flow. Also, if you take away these safety words away, you'll notice that "crash" doesn't fit in with the other words, so you'll have to change that.

filing a fourth variable past (as I ám aerodynamic)

As I "am" aerodynamic. No accents.

to extend the edges of my mouth, eyes, chin in gorgeous red lines.

I don't like the adjective "gorgeous."

It propels me forward

This is in the passive tense... maybe you want it that way, but maybe you don't? Just pointing it out.

(like stepping on a wave from sea to shore).

I don't know... why do you like parentheses so much when parentheses hide away stuff. This doesn't need to be put in them.

Still balancing between the two peaks,

The prosaic voice comes out with "Still balancing" because it seems like a narrator is telling us what just happened instead of informing us in some pretty way.

I jerk and scramble as the frames are slipped together

Instead of "are slipped together" just say "slip together." It's nicer that way.

(as I seem to be displaced from one to the next).

Don't use dispace... pick a stronger verb.

But when I check back, there’s nothing of it to see

I like "look" back better because it's such a beautifully simple word and it makes sense in this case.

Okay, so I hope this helps! Let the fourth one come.

I love how you show all the versions so we can see the progression on this work. You're determined to perfect it.

I agree with Snoink with the first line -- avoid the negative, even if it costs more in words.

Can it be? A version 4? Yah. Most def.

xantham: I am so determined to perfect this, even if I have to carry it around for the next ten years. But hopefully it won't come to that. ^_^

Snoink: I'm leaving in "are slipped"

Like I asked before, is it at least improving through the versions?

Je rentre!

My brain could understand this, yay!

I loved the visuals. I love it!

ring pretty red around my head

I like the rhyming between "red" and "head" here.

Now my only comment is: What is this about, really? Standing between two mountains, all of that...But I can't get to what it is really about, if there are any emotions, what it is trying to tell me... You know? Though it is beautiful now.

Thank you Claudette; my brain can understand it now too

I put up a version 5, but it's not too different from version 4; not as major of a rewrite, just some word choice stuff. It's still a work in progress, but I think it might be getting close to the end. yay!

Get rid of the colons.

*shudders*

The colons remind me of rping games my friends and I did... not pretty.