The Astronaut's Wish

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Here I am floating in a tin-can far above the moon
Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do


Ground Control to Major Tom – David Bowie


*


Supernova. The inward collapse of a star once it's burnt itself out into nothing, and so it sucks itself inwards, wrought by its own uncontrollable gravity locked at its centre. A spiral of dead light and dead matter twisting into nothing. I had to learn all that back before I came out, what now seemed like life-times ago, and now that I could see the very thing before me, I realised how bloody useless that information was.

The nova was all I had, all I could see out of my tiny, round window. It was majestic, sure. But I could hardly see the point in the adoration of such a thing, by the time the same thing had happened to our own sun we'd all be dead. But it was still there, haunting me, lulling me to dream-places far away. I was waiting for a transmission, and although every second that passed in solitary silence felt so damn wasted, there was nothing else I could do except to sit and stare.

"Ca-" a voice cracked over the receiver, "Captain? Are you there?" Through the distortion of white noise, the voice had lost all distinction and identity, till it was barely audible at all. The added question almost felt like an insult – of course I was there, where else would I be?

"I can hear you."

Then I had to wait through the delay, I'm not sure how long it was – you lose all sense of time when you're cooped up in a tiny box like this – but eventually I received that reply; the one we'd all been dreading.

"Captain, we're sorry. We've exhausted all our possibilities, there's nothing left for us to do." I stared at the receiver, willing for what it had just said to be wrong, for the little grey box to tell me something better. But of course, it didn't.

I never did reply. I shut the thing off, not wanting to hear their endless apologies, though I needn't have worried about that. Within what seemed like moments of their farewell message parts of my pod began to cease functioning, dials sinking back to zero, lights slowly dimming and fading away. As I floated around aimlessly, non-essential parts were shutting down to conserve power for those that which would keep me alive but for a few more brief minutes, before I'd be hit by the cold or starved of oxygen.

It was when I dwelled on that, that I wished I hadn't cut off my communication. I wish I could have heard my Wife's soft voice again, or tell my children that no matter how far away he'd been, Daddy still loved them. It was a decision that I regretted, but at least I wasn't going to have to live with it for very long.

As the last few lights died away I drifted back over to my tiny porthole. I'd dreamed of a death with the Earth between my fingers, the smell of fresh mown-grass in the air, and the warmth of the sun upon my face. But as I looked out at that huge supernova, the spiral of dead light and dead matter twisting into nothing, I decided that at least, if one thing, this was a beautiful way to die.

______

Don't ask where the title came from; I opened up the notebook where this was written and it was sat atop it. I couldn't think of anything else so it seems to have stuck. I'm also not sure if this is in the right place or not, so if one of you Mods decides that it's better placed elsewhere, feel free to move it ^^
Last edited by tinny on Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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Hey, Tinny!

*dances* Hurrah! My inner nerd was going insane over that novae picture; I'm so glad someone entered. I think I shall? But now's not the time to ramble about me, it's time to ramble about you. ^_^

This was beautifully done. Really, that's all I can figure out how to say- the way you put it together, the very idea, the lonesomeness of dying somewhere that's not home. It could almost be allegory, if you thought about it for a moment or two.

One thing I thought could use a little looking-at:

First person is quite tricky, because the books that are written in this way is mostly cheesy airport detective novels and whiny teen novels. So, when someone comes in named Tinny [possibly] with quite a different approach, it's quite shocking. In a good way.

Here's the thing, though- if you want to do first person, you've going to have to truly wow me. First person is hard. It's easy to slip into Angst Mode when you've got full control of someone's brain.

How to avoid it? Simply avoid thoughts and personal information. Introspection is good in moderation, but after awhile it's just...tiring. We knew from the start that this guy was going to die.

Here are a few lines I thought were unnecessary:

- I knew what was happening.

- I had none of those things here.

It's usually the short little afterthoughts that are a bit opinionated and scream Captain Obvious. If you think you need them, simply play around with them a bit so that you can say basically the same thing, but without so much emphasis on opinion.

[By the way- there's a typo in the last line. Way, I'm assuming? ^_~]

Anyway, grand piece, Tinny. PM me if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else- I'd be honored.
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although every second that passed in solitary silence felt do damn wasted


This confused me. Try reading it allowed. "Do" may just have to be deleted.

you loose all sense of time when you're cooped up in a tiny box like this


"Loose" is the opposite of "tight." I think you mean "lose" as in the opposite of "win."

but eventually I received that reply; the one we'd all been dreading


You don't need to emphasize "that." It sounds perfectly fine without the italics.

But of course, it didn't


I suggest a comma after "but," 'cause "of course" is just extra and, therefore, is a separate claus. You're choice, though.

It was when I dwelled on that, that I wished I hadn't cut off my communication. I wish I could have heard my Wife's soft voice again, or tell my children that no matter how far away he'd been, Daddy still loved them. It was a decision that I regretted, but at least I wasn't going to have to live with it for very long.


This was so touching and sweet. Very well written, I loved every word of it! It made me feel sorry for the captain and his family. I love it!

I decided that at least, if one thing, this was a beautiful was to die


Sam's right. The second "was" should probably be "way" :wink:

I loved the story, though. You did very well with it, it grabbed my attention. Maybe that's because I like space XD I liked it anyway. Keep writing, and keep up the good work! PM me if any questions.

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Thank you both for looking through it so thoroughly I've been through and blasted the typos that you both pointed out, I usually tend not to write in first person, but it seemed unavoidable here...

Thank you again, both of you. I really do appreciate it ^^
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)



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