Posthumous Chapter 12

CHAPTER 14 CORRIES DIARY

I didn't stop to watch Andrew's Ute roll away into the night. Instead I turned my back and raced down the driveway to apartment number 4. The spare key was where it always was; under the cushion of our veranda couch. I collected it and twisted it into the keyhole.

I'll admit that when I opened the door, I was a little disappointed to not be greeted with a kiss to the head and a plate of syrupy pancakes. I looked around expectantly, but I saw nothing but an emptiness that was accompanied by a hollow silence. The sky blue couch didn't have a mother sprawled out on it, the TV didn't have a late night quiz show blaring from its screen, the kitchen sink wasn't piled with dishes from dinner. It was then, as I shut the door behind me and dumped the keys on the dining table, that I remembered my mum was dead. But it didn't hit me like it does to people in the movies. I didn't topple over onto the floor in tears. I didn't even feel sad. I just climbed the stairs and collapsed on my bed. A seven hour drive is really tiring. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I went into an instant coma. I didn't even dream.

When I woke up, all I could think about was finding a note. I figured that there was no way mum could just leave this world without writing me an explanation. People don't just leave like that. She didn't even say goodbye. There was no warning either; she wasn't depressed, she wasn't stressed. In fact, she was rather happy. I guess that under those circumstances it was only natural that I expected a farewell letter.

I searched my room first. I looked on my bedside table, on the floor around it, under my bed, under my tossed blanket, under my pillows, everywhere. And yet I didn't find anything remotely note-like. Well, excluding the letter I stashed in a drawer of my desk that was addressed to mum from the school about my increasing amount of detentions.

The next room I searched was my mum's. I started with the wardrobe. Don't ask my why. Probably because it was where mum usually hid birthday presents and her 'secret' chocolate supply. Someone must have known I'd look there, someone like fate or God, because as soon as the door creaked open, I was attacked. Something hit my head sharply, then collapsed on the floor. Christ, it hurt! My eyes watered and my head was spinning in pain and shock. I put my hands to the rapidly forming bruise and let out a cry of agony.
"Ouch!" I wailed.
I looked down to see what had hit me and I saw one of mum's old gold boots laying pathetically on the floor. The heels were thin at the tip, and I knew that was what stabbed me just above my right eye. I rolled my eyes and continued my search.

I actually quite like this. I liked how you use simple words to portray the deeper emotions of the character. It was done very well.

I think you told us more than you showed us but I don't think it is a problem since you told us quite well.

Can't really say much. I didn't spot any errors in this so kudos to you Lucy.

Overall, a job well done.

Hey Lucy, nearly missed this one!

Don't ask [s]my[/s] why.

Me

I put my hands to the rapidly forming bruise and let out a cry of agony.
"Ouch!" I wailed.

You say that she lets out a cry already, so there's no need for the reader to see it as well. One or the other.

This was good...(SHORT!!!! I'll never win that fight though...) but there could have been a bit more emotion, maybe a bit more eerie?

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxxx

Hi there, just a few specific points first -

Instead [A comma here perhaps?] I turned my back and raced down the driveway to apartment number 4. [Write it as four. Using the number is lazy and looks untidy and unprofessional.]

The spare key was where it always was; under the cushion of our veranda couch. [This might sounds smoother as 'The spare key was in it's usual place - under the cushion of our veranda couch.' The least you should do is change the semi colon to a dash but to be honest, this would be better if you showed rather than told. What I mean is, write something like 'I approached the veranda couch and lifted a pale blue cushion. With a fond, reminiscent smile I picked up the small key and paused for a moment, looking down at the indent in the soft material.How many years has that key slept there? Whose hand was the last to touch the cold, metal and place it in the lock as I do now? I wondered, gently pushing the door open.' Okay so not the best example but can you see how much more interesting it can be?]

Don't ask my why. [Here I think you mean 'Don't ask me why']

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In general, I found this interesting. I was a little confused because I haven't read the other chapters but it was well written. Perhaps work on adding a little more description of the scenery but it's good. Oh and the title should be Corrie's Diary or CORRIE'S DIARY if you must have it in capitals. Hope some of this helped,

Heather xx