Beads

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I wrote this one late night. I don't think it's that wonderful, but I could be wrong. I never know if my work's good 'til I'm commented on. I'll definitely improve this later on in life :wink:

Beads

“Hey, Sara, afraid you’ll get a ninety-nine on your math test?” sneered a student as I walked down the halls for class.

“Why don’t you be cool for once and get a bead necklace, huh? It’s totally in style—oh wait, you’re never in style!”

“Did you finish first hour’s homework yet? Or will you finish it in third hour?”

I ignored the insults and rude comments from the students as I walked to my locker. I was always an easy target for those, but I didn’t care. I was quite used to the treatment.

“Hey, Sara!”

When no one spoke after my name, I halted and turned around. Some strange boy ran down the hall after me, out of breath, his hair a mess. In his hands were many red and blue bead necklaces. I cocked an eyebrow and put my hand on my hip (my other holding my books) and waited to hear what he had to say.

“D’you wanna bead necklace?” he asked, and continued without waiting for my answer. He looked to his bands and said, “I think red beads suit you—”

“I don’t need any beads, thanks,” I said and walked away.

“But—but you—” the boy was taken aback at my refusal and followed my down the halls. “This is your chance to be cool like everyone else! You won’t be made fun of anymore if you wear these!”

I stopped again and looked at the boy sternly. “For ten years I’ve been behind on the latest fashions. I don’t need to suddenly start catching up. I’ll wear stupid bead necklaces when I feel like wearing them.” With that I walked away for my locker.

I turned the dial of my locker, then opened the door when it unlocked. I began to switch my math book for my history book—history was my third hour.

“Hey, Sara.”

I groaned and looked up at the male voice. My face brightened, however, at the sight of the cutest guy in school. My heart quickened as he walked up to me with that charming smile on his face.

“Hi, David,” I said meekly and flushed.

He chuckled. “I saw you refuse that guy with the beads,” he started, leaning against the lockers next to mine. I looked at him and noticed he wore blue beads around his neck. My lips tightened as I turned back to my locker. “That was your chance, you know.”

“My chance for what?” I said, looking at him. I dreamed of talking to David Callaway for the past two years, but this was one topic I didn’t dream of talking about. “I think I’m fine without the beads hanging around my neck.”

“Oh, certainly, you are,” he said, looking at me. “You are the smartest kid in our class—”

“Not by a long shot,” I interrupted bitterly. David had nothing to say, so I said to him, “I gotta get to class now.”

“Of course,” David said, standing up from his slouch. “I’ll see you around, then.” He walked away and my best friend appeared with a huge smile on her face. I smiled, my heart raced with excitement.

“The cutest guy in school came to talk with you!” Lauren squeaked as she came over to stand by me. “Wha’d he say? Are you two going out?”

“No,” I said. “In fact, I think he was just trying to get me to wear—” my eyes spotted red beads around her neck, “—to wear those beads.”

“Oh, these?” Lauren said, looking down at her bead necklace. “Well, they are giving them away for free.”

I shrugged and took out Lauren’s history book, exchanging it for her math book. “I’ll be fine without them. Anyway, how’s life for you?”

“Crap,” Lauren answered angrily. My brow furrowed as I closed the locker door. We started walking for class as she explained. “My dad took my car away again!”

“Oh, what happened?” I said. Lauren just turned sixteen and got her car the same day. How she attempted to lose it already, I had no idea.

“I got a sixty-nine on my English test,” Lauren said, her voice cold.

I stopped and looked at her. “How’d you attempt a sixty-nine?!”

“It was hard, okay?” Lauren said. I flushed and apologized before resuming our walk to class. “You know I’m not that good at school. Anyway, I had to take the stupid bus today. Those kids are so irritating…”

She continued to rant, and I let her. It must have been a difficult night for her and she needed to let out all her anger if she’s going to enjoy the rest of the school day somehow.

We took our seats in our history class and waited for class to begin. I noticed everyone wearing those stupid bead necklaces, even Mr. Kelly, our history teacher. My brow furrowed and I looked to Lauren. “Didn’t someone use those beads to choke another student one year?”

Lauren shrugged.

“I thought it was against the rules to have beads after that incident,” I continued.

“Well, if Mr. Kelly is wearing beads, then I’m wearing them,” Lauren said matter-of-factly. “In fact, I’ll bet you’re the only one not wearing any beads.”

“Lauren—”

“I’m not saying you have to wear them,” Lauren said quickly.

I ignored her. It was a silly thing to argue about anyway. They were only necklaces. Why make such a big deal out of them? The kid in front standing up in his desk wasn’t improving things. He held up his hands which were full of red and blue bead necklaces. “Who didn’t get one?” he called out. “It’s time to party!”

I looked back at Mr. Kelly, shocked at their behavior. Mr. Kelly surely wouldn’t allow this! To my horror, the history teacher ignored them, his mind on the papers in front of him. I looked at Lauren who laughed, amused by the kids’ behavior.

“Sara doesn’t have any!” one of the girls brought up. I felt my face go hot as I slouched over my desk. The kids sent insults and rude comments my way. I tried to ignore them, but I was totally embarrassed. They were all making fun of me, all but two. Lauren stopped smiling when they started teasing, her brow furrowed.

“C’mon, Sara! Have some beads!” shouted the kid, taking a red bead necklace off his arm and was going to toss it when Lauren spoke up.

“She has beads,” she blurted out. “She just doesn’t feel like wearing them. Leave her alone!”

“Rebel!” they started calling out to me. I heard Lauren sigh exasperatedly. I leaned over to mutter, “Don’t worry about it,” then put my head down on my arms to hide from the other kids’ faces.

“Hey, Sara,” said a voice behind me.

“Go away,” I said, my voice blocked by my desktop as I slouched over.

“Sara,” Lauren said quickly and quietly.

I sighed and turned around. David walked into the room, his charming smile on his face. He wasn’t insulting me like everyone else! My heart flip as he came over. Lauren dropped her pencil from shock, seeing David show up next to them.

“Hello,” I said, dazed.

“Hi David,” Lauren said dreamily.

David nodded politely to Lauren then looked at me with amusement. I cleared my throat to wake myself up; Lauren jumped at the sound of my voice and looked away, finding the window to be very interesting.

“Well,” David started and I smiled. He cleared his throat in turn and tried talking again. “I wanted to give you something quick before I the guys distract me.” My heart raced. He wanted to give me something? I couldn’t believe it, but he pulled out a tiny box from his pocket and handed it to me before leaving to sit by his friends.

“Someone’s got a secret admirer,” Lauren teased.

“It’s not really a secret, is it?” I said, looking at Lauren who smiled. I flushed and looked back to the small red box in my hands. I took the lid off, and my face fell.

Red beads lay inside. I couldn’t believe him! Oh, the nerve of him! My hands began to shake and I looked up to glare at David who watched me innocently, his usual handsome smile on his face. I felt myself go hot with irritation. Lauren reached out and picked up the red bead necklace. I looked at her, my brow furrowed.

“I’ll take this, then, since you don’t want it,” Lauren explained, kissed it, and put it in her pocket. I was about to argue, but I decided against it. It wasn’t worth arguing over. David proved himself to not be as friendly as he was attractive.

Quickly enough, class ended and we left class, the kids still calling me The Rebel. Lauren dropped off her book at my locker before leaving for class downstairs; I switched my book for my German book. I turned around to leave and gasped.

Everyone in the halls was staring at me with blanch faces. Their eyes were empty, seeming to stare right through me. It created a hollow feeling in my stomach. Why were they staring at me? If it was because I didn’t wear those stupid beads…I felt myself tense under their strong gazes. I hesitated before I walked cautiously down the halls through the silence, trying my best to ignore them. It could just be a prank, but…they all looked awfully serious.

I heard them start to walk now, a slow pace, but the tension in the air grew. I looked behind me and saw them following, all eyes on me. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to keep myself calm.

Come with me...

“Who said that?” I blurted, my voice wavering. I looked around me, but all lips were sealed, their eyes following my every move. Why did they look at me like that? They’re faces were blank. I couldn’t tell what they wanted from me, but I knew it wasn’t good. They approached me slowly; they remained as quiet as zombies.

Come with me...

I couldn’t handle it any longer, my heart leapt at the voice. I ran as fast as I could. Down the halls, around the corners, up the stairs—there was no end! I never knew my school was this huge! It felt as if the halls were getting longer the further I ran, as if the school didn’t want me to leave…but I had to! I couldn’t stay! They would get me for sure!

I found the exit, the doorway to freedom, at the other end of the hall. I stopped in front of it and frantically pulled at the handle to open it. It didn’t move. My heart skipped a beat. Locked? It couldn’t be! I pulled again. It didn’t budge.

“C’mon, move!” I cried, pulling and yanking and banging at the door.

"Come with me..."

I looked behind me and found a much bigger crowd of students and teachers slowly making their way to me, pushing and shoving to get to me before everyone else.

My heart beat in my throat; sweat trickled down my face and wet my hands. My body began to shake uncontrollably, my eyes widened with fear. I wanted to cry, to scream! I was trapped, they had me now. There was no escaping. I pulled fearfully at the door handle. “Please, open!”

Tears streamed down my face when the door didn’t obey me. I slid down to the floor and leaned against the door. “Let me out…” I muttered pathetically. I dug my face in my knees, leaning as close to the door as possible, but there was no escaping the hands groping for a hold on me. I was surrounded by students, teachers, principals…everyone.

Five people grabbed onto my left arm, two times the people fought for my right. My hair was pulled, my feet were stepped on, my clothes were pulled at and ripped. I was powerless against the hundreds, maybe thousands of people around me. “Let me go…” I muttered hopelessly.

Come with me...

What did that mean? I couldn’t think, I just wanted out, away from these mad people. They all leaned down at me, their hands stretching out to me. Their bead necklaces dangled around their necks, hitting me in the head or whatever part of my body they could reach.

Come with me...

One of them approached me, its hand in its pocket. I looked up and my heart skipped another beat as Lauren drew out the red bead necklace David gave me earlier in class. I froze with shock, my eyes not leaving Lauren’s empty face. I hardly noticed her holding out the necklace with both hands and dropping it around my head so it fell about my neck. I gasped, waking from my shock, as pain burst through my body.

The hypnotized students and teachers dropped me to the floor and I held my neck from the sudden pain. I gasped for air, feeling my throat shrink. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. My skin burned from the beads’ touch. I wanted to cry, but my tears evaporated instantly from my hot skin. With no tears to blind my vision, I witnessed a most horrifying sight.

The beads around Lauren’s neck suddenly blazed with fire. How the fire started, I would never know, nor would I care. I tried so hard to scream, to cry my heart out, to call out to my burning friend, but no sound came out of my mouth. My heart raced so fast, I was afraid I would die of a heart attack, which I wouldn’t mind under the circumstances.

Lauren didn’t do anything about the fire, completely dazed. She just stood there, looking down at me with empty green eyes. She was only a shell, no soul inside. I didn’t see that welcoming look, that friendly smile, and it was the last I saw of her before the flames caught on her clothes. I tried to scoot back, but the wall wouldn’t budge.

Lauren didn’t scream, which made me the more frightened. I watched her skin turn red to black in a matter of seconds. It flaked off her skeleton bit by bit, I felt my own heart shake with emotion. My best friend…gone…!

Shortly later, my best friend was a pile of ash and bone, lying in front of my feet, the red beads lying on top, undamaged. I could only gape, no sound coming out of my mouth, no tears falling from my eyes. My heart raced with shock and depression. I was frozen with fear and horror.

Out of the corner of my eye, someone else’s blue beads started melting. I could hardly see, not able to move my position. It was as if my body didn’t want to move. It wouldn’t do what my brain told it to do. From what I could see, though, the figure was changing shape and, like flowing liquid, spilled onto the ground, the blue beads falling with a clatter!

One by one, the people in the crowd were burned or melted, beads first then the wearer. I panicked, but I could do nothing to show it. I felt my heart speed up to such high speed, my blood rushing like crazy.

Come with me...” the soft, cold voice whispered in my head.

I yanked frantically at the beads around my neck, but they wouldn’t come off, as if a barrier surrounded my head. I pulled them, hoping they would break off, but nothing happened. My heart raced faster, my hands sweating so I couldn’t hold the beads in my hands. I was scared. My mouth was wide open, trying to scream, but nothing could come out.

I watched, horrified, as the school floor was covered with ash and liquid. The undamaged blue and red beads were scattered among the remains. I was left alone, shaking with fear, my sweat evaporating as it touched my burning skin. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to go home where I would be safe from this horror!

Come with me...

The lights blinked until they were out and I sat in darkness. I gasped with fright and tried to scoot backwards again, but the door was too stiff to move. I looked about frantically, but I couldn’t see a thing. I didn’t know if my eyes were open or closed, didn’t know if anyone was standing right next to me. The silence was heavy on my ears, my heart was going to explode, I knew.

"Come with me...

I felt my legs move. I tried to stand up, my legs shaking violently. I stumbled and reached for something to hang on to for balance, but there was nothing, and I fell to my knees. I winced from the pain, but quickly came over it, for my knee pain was nothing to the burning pain these beads were giving me. I took a few deep breaths and carefully stood up. No one was coming after me now. Why was I so frightened?

Come with me...

My heart raced with panic again, sweat beaded my face. I felt my throat tighten, literally. It kept closing up until I couldn’t breathe any longer. My hands gripped my throat as I gasped for air. I fell to my knees again, suffocating. I was going to die, I knew I was. No one was here to save me. I was going to die right here and no one would notice.

The pain was unbearable. My heart beat so fast, my throat was closed up. It felt as if I was being eaten from the inside out. My insides were decaying. I held my stomach, wincing from the pain. I was slowly disintegrating, wasting away to nothing, and I had to bear this pain in complete darkness. I was glad for the darkness. I didn’t want to see myself decay on the spot, decay like an ancient dead body.

The pain stopped suddenly, the darkness in front of me gave way and forced me to look down. My body slowly disintegrated into a pile of ash at my feet. I couldn’t believe it. What was left of me lay at my feet. How could that happen? How was it possible for me to watch myself burn? To top off the pile of ashes and bones below me, a string of red beads settled.

Beads? I don’t remember wearing any beads…

Come with me...

My eyes widened with fear at the soft, cold voice. The darkness lightened only a tad, the silence was broken, though still heavy upon my ears. In front of me slowly approached a tall, dark figure. I didn’t know why, but I knew this figure was not friendly. I could easily read those fearful thoughts running through this strange figure’s head, it’s dark, cold, empty eyes drawing me into his darkness.

Come with me...

I wanted to run, run far away, away from this strange figure. I felt my foot move, but it didn’t step back—it stepped forward toward the figure. I was getting closer to the one thing that I feared the most. I panicked, but I couldn’t do anything, frozen with fear.

The figure held out a hand, palm up. “Come with me...

I didn’t want to take his hand, but my hand was raised involuntarily. I couldn’t see my hand, my eyes fixed on the figure, but I saw out of the corner of my eye that my hand was not flesh. One could see straight through my hand into the surrounding darkness. I panicked even more when I couldn’t take my hand away. Instead of obeying my will, it followed someone else’s will, someone who wanted me to…come with them.

Come with me...

My see-through hand settled in his and I gasped. His hand was freezing. How I could feel this coldness, I would never know, but I was so cold, I froze freeze on the spot. I couldn’t move for my life. I was stuck. The figure wouldn’t let go of me, but firmly held my hand and waited. He had nothing to say.

The figure began to fade before my eyes. I was still frozen on the spot, unable to move, yet my insides burned that same burn when I wore those beads. I could do nothing. I was powerless.

I was left alone in eternal darkness.


-------------------------------------------------------------

There it is. Not my best work, but I think it can easily be improved. Please comment!!
Last edited by JabberHut on Sat Jul 21, 2007 4:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
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I'm afraid to wear beads now...

There was nothing to hand on to for balance.
I think you mean hang.

I looked about frantically, but I couldn’t see at thing.
a thing.

You say the phrase "like mad" a few times. I just don't think that's the right wording you want. Try an adverb or something, just not "like mad".

The repeatition with "Come with me" is really good. The basic idea of the story was pretty original too. I think some of your wording could use some work, but other than that I liked it. If I was unclear about anything (I usually am) pm me.

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Okay, you've probably gathered that I have a bit of time on my hands so I'm going to make quite a lot of suggestions...

“I has your name on it, and it’s free of charge!” [I think you mean 'It has your name...]

“Put it away,” I said, sitting down in my desk. [This is worded a little awkwardly. Perhaps 'sat down at my desk' would be better?]

I looked at our history teacher who talked with the teachers in the halls, waiting for their students to get to class. [I would re-write this sentence. Maybe something like 'I looked at our history teacher who was in the halls, talking with a few other teachers. I presumed that they were waiting for their students to enter the classrooms.']

History class went by quickly and painlessly before Lauren and I left the class. [You tend to use class a lot and this could be rephrased as 'History went by quickly and painlessly before Lauren and I left the class' or 'History class went by quickly and painlessly before Lauren and I left the room.']

“Where’re your beads?” she asked with a friendly smile. [I think 'where're' is a little colloquial for a teacher. Especially when the students asked the question correctly. Perhaps 'Have you not got your beads with you, dear?' seenas she's a friendly teacher or perhaps 'You should be wearing your beeds. Where are they?']

All my classmates glared at me throughout the class. [Class again? How about substituting it with lesson or period in some places. ]

I was the first to leave, and I sat on the other side of the room. [This isn't too clear. Do you mean the end by the door or by the window? Perhaps 'I was the first to leave, even though I was sitting furthest from the door' ]

Everyone in the halls was staring at me with blanch, trances faces. [I'm not sure if this is a typo, a spelling mistake or another language. But maybe replace it with 'Everyone in the halls stared at me with blank, distant faces as if they were all in a trance.']

I turned a corner and pulled on the door handle, leading to the outside, leading to freedom.

They all leaned down at me, there hands stretching out to me. [Should be 'they all leaned down to me, their hands stretching out towards me.]

Their bead necklaces dangled around their necks, hitting me in the head or whatever it could reach. [The end part of this could be better and the beads are plural so how about '....hitting me in the head or whichever limbs they could reach.']

One of them approached me, a bead necklace in their hands. [If you want to keep the identity secret, using it would sound better. Try 'One of them approached me, a bead necklace in it's hands.']

slipped the red beads around my neck. I gasped as it touched my skin. [Seenas beads is plural it should be 'as they touched my skin.']

My heart raced with horror and depression. I was frozen with fear and horror. [You've used horror twice. Perhaps 'with fear and disgust' or 'with fear and revulsion.']

My heart raced faster, my hands sweat some more until I couldn’t even hold the beads in my hands. [I'd change this to 'My heart raced faster, my hands sweating so much that I could no longer hold the beads.']

I watched with horror as the school floor was covered up with ash and liquid, blue and red beads scattered across the human leftovers. [This could be worded better. Maybe 'I watched, horrified, as the floor was coated with ash and liquid. Blue and red beads were scattered amongst the human remains.']

The pain stopped, the darkness in front of [s]my[/s] [I think you mean me.] gave way and forced me to look down.

What was left of my lay at my feet. [Again, me rather than my.]

If I were alive, I would have a heart attack. ['If I had been alive, I'm sure I'd have had a heart attack' is more accurate but a bit awkward...]

In front of my slowly approached a tall, dark figure. [This doesn't make much sense. Maybe 'Slowly, a tall, dark figure approached me and came to stand in front of me.']

I was so cold, in fact, I felt my soul freeze on the spot.

[s]I[/s] The figure wouldn’t let go of me, but gently held my hand and just waited. [Why does he/it hold her hand gently?]

__________________________

In general, you had a very interesting, original idea and it was a touch confusing in places but it worked well. The characters need a little work. Maybe describe Lauren a little more and give her a distinct personality so that we feel worse when she dies but other than that, I liked it. You have a great variety of sentences and, as already mentioned, the repetition of come with me was used well. Hope I was helpful,

Heather xx
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Kitty did a wonderful nitpick and saved me a job, as there were quite a few grammer thingies in here. But the idea and story were both great! Spooky... I thought I rather liked beads before I read this/ :roll: :twisted:

Everything was very well done, and yes, perhaps you could emphasize Lauren a touch more, but personally I thought her death was effective just as it is.

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Thank you for the crits, everyone, 'specially you, Kitty. That was super long and must have taken time. I really apologize for all those grammatic issues. I'm never that bad! It must be because I wrote it at 1 in the mornign XD

I made the changes. Please comment on it. It turned out to be a bit longer. Let me know if I covered Lauren alright, too. Thank you!!
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This is great, but in a horiffying and gorish way. I beleive you have done excellent job in the detailing (a tiney too much in the goiriness, but beggers caint be choosy, and I always ask everyone for more detail.) and the dialouge. This is a great horror story. It about scarred my socks off my feet. I will probly never wear blue or red beads again. Oh, an I will be pming you at 3am in the moring if i have nightmares, which i might. I cannot see any grammetical errors, however as you know I am not the best person to ask for those. I hope you have enjoyed my small insight. TaTa for now!

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Je suis ici critiquer ton fiction! tu aimes, oui? ^_~ I don't know what anyone else said, so if I repeat, can you ever forgive me?

"No comma thanks,”


I looked at our history teacher who stood in the halls, talking with other teachers, and monitoring the halls between classes.


Your punishment will probably be clearing the table after dinner for a week, if not a long boring speech.
The underlined part: I understand what you mean, but I think you should explain it better. A speech from her parents...? I'd say "reprimand" but I think that word is too high for this kind of fiction O.o

I walked into German [s]class[/s] [because you said class in the previous sentence and repeating it seems worthless], and an explosion of questions and insults hit me in the face.


However, I wasn’t going to go home and [s]just[/s] put them on.
another note: what do you mean by this? and how would it be superstitious? I was somewhat confused.

Everyone [s]in the halls[/s] was staring at me with blanch, trances faces.
I think cutting that out makes it cleaner... it didn't work before, I don't know why. "blanch, trances faces" trances faces is odd, obviously.

Everyone in the halls was staring at me with blanch, trances faces. I felt myself tense nervously under their strong gazes. I hesitated before I walked slowly and nervously down the halls through the silence, trying my best to ignore them. It could just be a prank, but…they all looked awfully serious. What did they want? All eyes were on me, making me all the more nervous.
You could do this for the whole story, but I just picked this for an example. She that she [you?] is nervous, don't tell us. Use body language. Body language is amazing because you can show so much more with it than you can through just words. Think about it, when you are nervous, what things do you do? You can tell when someone is nervous, they don't have to say, "I am nervous." Same in writing ^_~ Just read over your story and find the places where you tell, or where you use adjectives [I hate adjectives...] and find a way to show. Doing this will improve your writing so, so so so much. Although, so far it isn't bad ^_^

Then I heard them start to walk, a slow pace, but the tension in the air grew.
this sentence bothers me, but I can't pick out why. For one I want to say, "Then I heard them start to walk at a slow pace," but you could also just choose a different verb than Walk and cut "a slow pace" and "but the tension...etc" also bothers me, it sounds cliché.

I looked behind me and saw them walking toward me, all eyes on me.
we already know they are walking, and probably toward you, so you can cut that.

I [s]felt myself[/s] dropped my books on the floor and started to run as they only walked their same slow pace to get me.
The underlined part sounds funny.

my eyes filled with fear.
Eyes always fill with fear... why can't they fill with something like bunny rabbits? lol, in other words, cliché.

They dropped me and I held my neck from the sudden pain. I gasped for air, feeling my throat shrink. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. My skin burned from the beads’ touch. I wanted to cry, but my tears evaporated instantly from my hot skin.
Oy, jabs, I thought I was going to suffocate ^^' Bravo.


Right before my eyes, a most horrifying event happened…

…and my last.
melodramatic, imo

her[s]e[/s] eyeballs rolled away across the ground.
They did ... what? I'm confused.

So.. if the beads are melting why was her best friend's beads left whole?

I pulled them, hoping they would break off, but nothing happened.
I always expect beads to be on an elastic band, and if these are, I'd imagine her cutting her hand on the band trying to pull them off. I think it would be good imagery.

The silence was heavy on my ears, my heart was going to explode, I knew.
Rewrite: The silence was heavy on my ears. My heart was going to explode, I knew.

I felt my legs move. I tried to stand up, my legs shaking violently.
Rewrite: I felt my legs move. I tried to stand up, but I was shaking. Or something, yes? You repeat legs, and the last sentences should be two.

You use the word disintegrate(d) too much.

If I were alive, I would have a heart attack
Cliché

I didn’t want to take his hand, but my hand was raised involuntarily.
didn't she just turn to ash? You confuse me.


Oh, horrifying dear ^_~

I just have some issues with some parts, you know?

Telling vs. showing like I mentioned above. Just cover that on your whole piece. Now, to something very important. Since I know so little about your main character, I can't care for her when she is burning up and all. I don't feel anything either. Which is really bad for horror stories. I have to be able to relate and care for her and want to go "oh no!" when bad things happen to her - and I have to feel with her. I did feel with that one paragraph I pointed out, but otherwise I didn't. To make the reader care about your character develop them more. Although, I'm no entirely sure, really, how to do this well in short stories, but if you can at least make me feel by not telling and making it more visual and giving sensory image [taste, touch, sent, sight, hearing, feelings, etc] it will still be a lot better.

Now another thing that really bothered me was the ending. You dragged it out, and it was just the same thing and it got to a point where I wanted to shout, "DIE ALREADY!" It just went on too long, and you repeated yourself too. They constantly say "come with me" and she does this, and that, and the other. I think it would work better if you upped the suspense [like I said, I can't feel anything and I don't care, so there is no suspense.] and if you cut out some of the repetition and unnecessary parts of the ending, and just got straight [though not too quickly] to the ending it would be a lot better.

Not really my kind of story ^_~ I like horrors, but it needs a lot more to make me feel, and the characters are kind of weak [development is what they need!] but it was very interesting, and being the first thing I've read by you, you aren't too bad.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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THis was amazing. A little sad at the end. WHy didn't she escape? :( Oh well. I'm not the writer. I did have a few comments. Not as many as I thought, however. That should be a good thing! XD

1. "'I still don’t know about wearing those, Lauren,'I said with cautiously."
Either, I said cautiously or I said with caution. I don't like this sentence. How about, "I still don't know if I should wear those, Lauren," I said, eyeing them with caution.

2. "'Oh, it’s fine,'Lauren said. 'Here, I’ll stuff them in my shirt and no one will see them, alright?'"
You seem to put the person who is speaking or an emotion they are displaying after every sentence. You don't always have to address the person who is talking. Sense you just told us who is talking in the previous sentence, you can leave out that "lauren said...".

3. "I slouched over my desk so no one would notice I had none on."
It would sound better if you said, "I slouched over in my desk so no one would notice I didn't have any on." None on sounds a bit awkward.

4. "I left the room in a flash, crossing the room and rushing out the door."
Don't use the same word twice in a sentence! Try this: I left in a flash, crossing the room and rushing out the door. Or: I left the room in a flash, crossing to the other side and rushing out the door.

5. "Everyone in the halls was staring at me with blanch, trances faces."
Trances faces? Um...that needs some work! Try this: "Everyone in the halls was staring at me with blanch faces, as if in a trance." Or something to that effect. Anything but Trances faces.

This is very good. Normally in longer works I find around ten to thirteen mistakes, but this was very good. I really liked, all except the ending! Lol. But it was well written. Most of my suggestions are simply that: suggestions. As the writer, you decide how you want you're masterpiece to be. Except of course, for grammer and little mistakes. Those you might want to fix. ;) Hope this helps.
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain




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As a grand, OCD doctor on scrubs once said....

"And deeply disturbing."

Yeah, wow.

Just two small things...

“Let me go…!” I muttered hopelessly.

It's rather hard to mutter and exclaim something at the same time. You could take out one or the other and it'll be just a good. =D

here eyeballs rolled away across the ground.

1. I think you mean 'her', not 'here'.
2. Ew
3. Her eyeballs would burn with the rest of her. The fact of human's burning does enough to sicken people, body parts don't need to role in addition.

Other than that Kitty and Clau pretty much got it. =D Thanks them, lol. This was one of the most origional things I've probably ever read, big bravo on that. Good concept, good writing...good story. =D

Keep it up!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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That was awesome. I love and hate horrors. It's weird. I thought this was
interesting.

First, the people before me committed on spelling, typos, and other grammar related things. I agree with them.

This story was great. I loved it allot. You did a good job. Have you ever
thought about thinking about more, and make it longer. Maybe into a small book. I really liked this piece.

I have met you in the chat-room. And I think you are awesome (no joke). I have never read any of your stories yet though. But I
am glad I read this one. Great creativity.

This was almost as scary as you army of Penguins. Or as scary as our nerd fight. LOL. XD.

Two thumbs up.

-- M.B.Author
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Thanks much for the critiques. After reading Clau's I had to reread it for the umpteenth time. I nearly killed myself. I rewrote the story and put it up. New critiques are most welcome. I'm determined to get this story in shape!
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Oh God! Thanks a lot! Now I'm terrified to wear beads. That piece was seriously freaky. It went from being a normal, oh this kid doesn't fit in let's tease her, to I want to kill myself for reading it. That was reallt scary. I hope you were going for making people never want to go back to school, because if you're trying to promote school you've failed... badly.




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I liked the ideas portrayed in this. It has this mystery element that drove me to read on. I didn't expect beads to have that kind of effect haha.

You didn't use much description, but for some reason, I managed to get a picture of the setting. I dunno how. Maybe it is because I watch a lot of television lol.

The problem with this is a lack of character development, and I have to agree with the others. I didn't feel anything for the character/s. They burn and I was like "Yay, they are dead lol" In a horror, it is your job to make your characters unique so that the climax will be more devastating than intended.

Also, you told us too much of how the character felt at different points. It was annoying and I want to feel it myself, not to get told of it. The story was also too long in my opinion.

That's all I have to say. Overall, I liked it.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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You really brought Sara alive for me. You described her feelings well and I could get a pretty good picture of the type of person she was.
Something I found odd thought is that she wasn't confused or suspicious about everyone bothering her about the beads. I mean, when I first started reading my immidiat thought was "What is it with the beads? Why does everyone keep insisting on them?". The fact that everyone insisted she wore the beads so she'd 'fit in' and 'be cool' was a little wierd and not typical behaviour, and I think she should have picked up on that.
It was a good text, and very, very original.
The curtains are about to rise.




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I didn't read the whole story but I must say your work is absolutely amazing! :D I didn't find anything wrong with it. :3 Keep up with the good work! :D



We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway