The Wraith

Very short first chapter, yes I know, but it's just an intro. The next will be longer. Read, crit, and enjoy!!

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-----------------------------Prologue------------------------------------

Two soft hands are pressed firmly against one another beneath a weightless cloud of blue bubbles and warm bathwater. The fingers intertwine with one another as the combined hands swirl around in the pool. She hums a jolly tune and uses her free hand to run a sopping cloth over the jagged scars of his back. Her grip on his hand then loosens, letting his own float to the base of the tub.

Upon the sill sits four glowing candles, their bright flames and the pouring light of the moon fill the room with a dim light. The candle flames flicker and crackle as though they are making their own music to go along with her happy song. Outside it rained cats and dogs, a true fierce storm. Thunder roared ferociously, echoing down the road, and lightning seemed to flash bright enough to light up the whole town.

Quietly she chuckles to herself and bends down near his ear, gently laying his head back into the nook of her arm; she whispers soothingly, “You should really take it easy when you go outside, kiddo, you play too rough.”

Like a typical four year old, he found her comment silly and so decided to laugh, “I don’t play rough. I just go out and have fun! You wouldn’t understand; you’re too old.”

At this, she gasps and stares in shock before taking one hand and giving him a light splash to the face with the bathwater, “Hey!” she giggled, gently squeezing his nose between her middle and index finger, “I am not old, little man!”

He laughs and splashes her back, but with much more of an effort to soak her, “I’m not little!” The playing continued until one of the candles snubbed out; he gasped, “What happened?”

She took a dry towel and dried both of their faces as she looked around the room, wondering the same thing. The door was locked, the window was closed, and the fan wasn’t blowing, “I don’t know, sweetie.” She shrugged and patted the top of his head, “I’m sure it was nothing. Now up, up, up, you, it’s time to get out.”

Without a word, he stood up and shook like a wet dog. Using the same towel she dried their faces off with before, the woman patted him down to keep any excess water from dripping before using it to lift him up and out of the tub.

Another candle was extinguished.

She stopped drying and stared confusedly at the thin string of smoke rising in place of the fire; the young boy gasped again and clung to her leg, whimpering with enlarged eyes, “Mommy, what’s going on? What’s going on, Mommy?” When she continued to stare at the two remaining candles, he looked up at her and tugged the heavy sleeve of her robe, “Mommy? Mommy, what happened to the light? What happened to the light, Mommy?”

“Hmm what?” she shook her head slowly, as if to clear her thoughts, and picked him up. She placed him firmly on her hip and pulled the plug so the water would drain, “There must be a draft or something. Oh well.” She turned to the door and opened it as the third flame blew out; he clutched her shoulders tightly and nestled his face against the side of her neck.
With hesitant steps, she moved to the last candle, her son still pressed against her hip. She glanced to her left, right, and back to her left again; no one was around. Quickly, she inhaled and puffed out; the room immediately faded to darkness. Still, nothing, nor no one, moved, ‘I’m worrying too much.’ She thought, reassuringly, ‘There’s no one in here.’

The woman readjusted the light weight boy on her side and turned away from the candle. Taking one last look around the bathroom, she decided they truly were alone and left the room to tuck her son in bed for the night.

She closed the door behind her, not knowing that as soon as she left, all four candles were alight once again and the tub was refilled with steamy bathwater; the same tune she hummed when washing her son was sung in the dim lit bathroom, but this time by the deep voice of a man.

More to come.....

I liked this. Slightly creepy with a pretty good atmosphere. Some of your descriptions are very nice. It took me a short while to realise that the male character was a child but that doesn't matter. I think the only thing you need to edit is your tenses. Don't change tense so often. Stick with present for the first half and then past for the second if you must change at all -

Outside it rained cats and dogs, a true fierce storm. Thunder roared ferociously, echoing down the road, and lightning seemed to flash bright enough to light up the whole town. [This should be in present tense because both sentences either side are.]

“Hey!” she giggled, gently squeezing his nose between her middle and index finger, [Again, present tense here.]

The playing continued until one of the candles snubbed out; he gasped, “What happened?” [From here onwards you stick to past so that's alright.]

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Overall though it was well written and I look forward to reading more.

their bright flames and the pouring light of the moon fill the room with a dim light.

I know it isn't that big of a deal but repetitions like this stand out to me a lot, so it reads funny.

She took a dry towel and dried both of their faces as she looked around the room

same thing as before.

As for the candle going out, I thought it went out because of the water... you might want to clarify that it isn't the water xD Although, I don't always pay attention when I read.

Still, nothing, nor no one, moved, ‘I’m worrying too much.’ She thought, reassuringly, ‘There’s no one in here.’

"Nothing, nor no one" looks funny to me. I'm not sure on the nor/or thing, but the constant Ns also bother me, sound wise. Although, it should be a period after "moved", and a comma after "much" and "she" shouldn't be capitalized.

to tuck her son in bed for the night.

"into bed" sounds better

Your writing is nice =] You have a good voice, and the dialog is cute, and fitting. The present tense bothered me, but I'm not used to reading it.

The ending was alright. It was the last paragraph that really bothered me. It was all telling, but not only that it was kind of like "little did she know... HE WASN'T HUMAN!" it just doesn't work for me. Why not show us? Creepy back into the room [as the narrator] and show it off, using more words. Freak us out, because even though I go "Who/what is it?" It's not as interesting as I'm sure you could make it.

Also, I haven't read anything else of the story [obviously] but does this need to be a prologue, or should it be chapter one? Sometimes Prologues aren't needed, though I'm sure this one is, but also sometimes prologues are misused, and can be better as chapter ones. But I don't know where the rest of this was going, so I thought I'd just throw it out there.

I actually didn't think it was too too short. But maybe I just have a short attention span :laughs: I think it's a good length for a chapter read on the internet.

Upon the sill sits four glowing candles, their bright flames and the pouring light of the moon fill the room with a dim light.

Personally, I think passive voice overly complicates things. I'd say "Four glowing candles sit on the sill".

I just go out and have fun!

This doesn't sound natural for a four-year-old to say. Too complex of a sentence, maybe?

I'll echo Claud's repetition campaign.

The boy seems very quiet for a four year old. Especially after playing all day, they'd be either too tired to say anything, or bouncing off the walls.

He laughs and splashes her back, but with much more of an effort to soak her, “I’m not little!” The playing continued until one of the candles snubbed out; he gasped, “What happened?”

Here, the tone seemed to change. As if it began paying more attention to detail? I almost wish it would seep into what's before it.

Are the candles the only light in the bathroom other than the moon? That's a little odd.

Like a typical four year old, he found her comment silly and so decided to laugh, “I don’t play rough. I just go out and have fun! You wouldn’t understand; you’re too old.”

At this, she gasps and stares in shock before taking one hand and giving him a light splash to the face with the bathwater, “Hey!” she giggled, gently squeezing his nose between her middle and index finger, “I am not old, little man!”

He laughs and splashes her back, but with much more of an effort to soak her, “I’m not little!” The playing continued until one of the candles snubbed out; he gasped, “What happened?”

Whoops! You switched tenses halfway through. I've marked some of the highlights above. Consistancy is undetectable. And inconsistancy isn't something you want the reader to detect.

She took a dry towel and dried both of their faces as she looked around the room, wondering the same thing. The door was locked, the window was closed, and the fan wasn’t blowing, “I don’t know, sweetie.” She shrugged and patted the top of his head, “I’m sure it was nothing. Now up, up, up, you, it’s time to get out.”

She doesn't seem to be too worried by these things. Even if she's just trying to put on an act for [I assume] her son.

the room immediately faded to darkness

Wasn't it pretty dark already?

I think that you could cut out some wordiness, overall.

Forboding ending. Though I didn't feel quite as creeped out as I normally am in this type of story. Like a person walking slowly to the door that the audience is screaming for them not to open, you as the author need to slow the moment down, draw it out, so that we have ample time to be creeped out before the monster jumps out of the closet.

Thanks bunches for reading and critting my story, you guys, it was much appreciated. Now I suppose I should go back and answer the few questions you guys had and respond to your comments/suggestions.

Starting with kitty:

I think the only thing you need to edit is your tenses. Don't change tense so often. Stick with present for the first half and then past for the second if you must change at all

To be honest, I wasn't trying to change the tenses. I hadn't noticed that I switched it until you brought it up. That's pretty embarrasing to admit... But, yes, I know what you mean. It's a terrible habit I have, the switching of tenses. x_x thank you! *cookies*

Now Claudette:

Your writing is nice =] You have a good voice, and the dialog is cute, and fitting. The present tense bothered me, but I'm not used to reading it.

Thanks for the compliment, dearie!! As for not being to all jump-for-joy about my present tense? Yes *nods* I get what you mean. I don't fancy it much myself, but I wanted to see if I could do it.

Well..... I know I can do it. I just wanted to see if I could do it properly. Ya know; risking.

The ending was alright. It was the last paragraph that really bothered me. It was all telling, but not only that it was kind of like "little did she know... HE WASN'T HUMAN!" it just doesn't work for me. Why not show us? Creepy back into the room [as the narrator] and show it off, using more words. Freak us out, because even though I go "Who/what is it?" It's not as interesting as I'm sure you could make it.

Ah. Now that I re-read that last little bit of the story, you make perfect sense. I'll work on that.

Also, I haven't read anything else of the story [obviously] but does this need to be a prologue, or should it be chapter one? Sometimes Prologues aren't needed, though I'm sure this one is, but also sometimes prologues are misused, and can be better as chapter ones. But I don't know where the rest of this was going, so I thought I'd just throw it out there.

1. Yes this needs to be a prologue, just for future purposes that I will keep between my notebook and I. 2. Oh, this part is very much needed. You'll see why within the next two or three chapters. Possibly even the next one... But, yes, it is needed for this.

And Amelia:

Quote:
I just go out and have fun!

This doesn't sound natural for a four-year-old to say. Too complex of a sentence, maybe?

To be honest, I didn't know how he should have responded to her. I spent forever thinking, but they do speak that way I guess. That line was taken from my niece... who is four.

The boy seems very quiet for a four year old. Especially after playing all day, they'd be either too tired to say anything, or bouncing off the walls.

Ay. *shrug* Can't argue with you there.

Are the candles the only light in the bathroom other than the moon? That's a little odd.

I wanted to imply that the lights blew out without actually saying, "The power had blown..." or "The electricity died...". That is why I mentioned the heavy storm in the beginning. Or, if you want, you can think that she is one of those people who just doesn't like lights on during storms for fear that the power will eventually go out. *shrugs* Either way, both effects are circled around the storm.

Wasn't it pretty dark already?

No no no. I said it was dim in the room. There was light, just not much. If the room is already dim, then darkness [darker than dim] is pretty much pitch black. No light.

Forboding ending. Though I didn't feel quite as creeped out as I normally am in this type of story. Like a person walking slowly to the door that the audience is screaming for them not to open, you as the author need to slow the moment down, draw it out, so that we have ample time to be creeped out before the monster jumps out of the closet.

Aye, Cap'n!

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Again. Thank you lovely ladies so much for taking the time to read and review my piece; it was much appreciated and most helpful. I'll hopefully have the next chatper (the first chapter, rather. ) sometime in the next couple of weeks. I'll PM you when it's up and running.

Tootloo.
~Melissa~

i like it, i dont have anything to add that others have not already said, so i will just say, it looks good, even for jsut a short piece, i will definitely read anymore you post. I thought you described the relationship between hte mother and the boy very well. i am not very good at commenting, but i will make it simply.
It was good, i would like to read more.

-Skell (otherwise known as Mark)