God-breathed

Passionately you arranged familiar atoms
into unfamiliar structures,
slinging ink with a quill fingertip
to inscribe your wonder upon
the universe, rolled
up like a scroll.

Creation trembles as a word,
God-breathed, fills up my lungs
and I soar, up into the
glory of a sun that will never melt my
waxen wings.

God-breathed life is
rewiring me; electricity sizzling through
veins, and I am shaking along with creation,
I am shaking in synchronization
to the pulsing of your heart,
around which
the universe is rolled up like a scroll.

It flows. But what is "God-breathed"?

I didn't really like it. I didn't get nice imagery, or a feeling. I couldn't relate. It wasn't about something concrete, and even then, the emotions it is trying to say don't really seem like anything. I can't really tell what it is about and what it is trying to express and say.

I don't know, for me I always prefer poetry about more concrete ideas and events. This just seemed like a lot of fluff around hot air, it didn't have much to it.

Claudette wrote:It flows. But what is "God-breathed"?

I didn't really like it. I didn't get nice imagery, or a feeling. I couldn't relate. It wasn't about something concrete, and even then, the emotions it is trying to say don't really seem like anything. I can't really tell what it is about and what it is trying to express and say.

I don't know, for me I always prefer poetry about more concrete ideas and events. This just seemed like a lot of fluff around hot air, it didn't have much to it.

it's kind of like a religious poem or whatever...god breathed is just like inspired by god or whatever ya know...thanks so much for the comment!!

I actually really liked it.

'Course, Clau's such a little demon she probably couldn't relate... (Hah, love you, Clau.)

Really, though, I thought it perfectly portrayed how humble I feel sometimes when I realize God's wonder.

I just have one nitpick -- I don't like the repetition of God-breathed. The first time you used it was great; the second time was unnecessary. It didn't reinforce a point, because the entire poem revolves on that point. I did, however, like the repetition of the universe rolled up like a scroll... I thought that was really neat.

The first stanza was beautiful, I like your allusion in the second stanza, and the third stanza closes on a more personal note.

Very cool. I enjoyed it a lot. Keep it up!

Mehr, I'm just picky with poetry!

I had a feeling it was religious - vicious Crysi might not know it but I AM religious :-p But as a poem, I just didn't get anything from it? It didn't remember me of what I get from God. Eh. Like I said, I'm picky with poetry.

Your imagery is very good, and I particularily liked "waxen wings". I'm not sure about the first line, as I think "passionately" contrasts a little awkwardly with "atoms". It makes it seem like He is doing something with immense care, and I'm not sure "passionately" quite conveys this. Other than that, the first stanza is very good. I'm a little uncertain about teh layout of this verse though.The last three lines aren't laid out in accordane with how I want to read this. Maybe change it to two lines, changing "upon" to "on.";

"To inscribe your wonder on the universe,
rolled up like a scroll."

This would emphasise the internal rhyme of "rolled" and "scroll."
The second stanza is great. I'd put "and I soar up into teh glory of a sun" into one line, and the same for "that will never melt my waxen wings", but maybe change "that" to "which" for the sake of alliteration.
The last staza is amazing. Really brilliant. Maybe play with teh layout of this stanza too though.
Hope that at least some of that was helpful.

Crysi wrote:I actually really liked it.

'Course, Clau's such a little demon she probably couldn't relate... (Hah, love you, Clau.)

Really, though, I thought it perfectly portrayed how humble I feel sometimes when I realize God's wonder.

I just have one nitpick -- I don't like the repetition of God-breathed. The first time you used it was great; the second time was unnecessary. It didn't reinforce a point, because the entire poem revolves on that point. I did, however, like the repetition of the universe rolled up like a scroll... I thought that was really neat.

The first stanza was beautiful, I like your allusion in the second stanza, and the third stanza closes on a more personal note.

Very cool. I enjoyed it a lot. Keep it up!

thanks for the comment!!

Jasmine Hart wrote:Your imagery is very good, and I particularily liked "waxen wings". I'm not sure about the first line, as I think "passionately" contrasts a little awkwardly with "atoms". It makes it seem like He is doing something with immense care, and I'm not sure "passionately" quite conveys this. Other than that, the first stanza is very good. I'm a little uncertain about teh layout of this verse though.The last three lines aren't laid out in accordane with how I want to read this. Maybe change it to two lines, changing "upon" to "on.";

"To inscribe your wonder on the universe,
rolled up like a scroll."

This would emphasise the internal rhyme of "rolled" and "scroll."
The second stanza is great. I'd put "and I soar up into teh glory of a sun" into one line, and the same for "that will never melt my waxen wings", but maybe change "that" to "which" for the sake of alliteration.
The last staza is amazing. Really brilliant. Maybe play with teh layout of this stanza too though.
Hope that at least some of that was helpful.

thanks so much for the comment!

I didn't get it. I didn't really like it either, some parts are good but...


Yeah, I'm not one of the religious sort, but to me 'god-breathed' seems a bit too...contrived really. I was hoping for something a bit more cryptic and unusual so perhaps most of my disappointment was of my own making. Your symbolism and imagery is good though, so well done on that

Tata mwa!

SS

Shadowstalker wrote:I didn't get it. I didn't really like it either, some parts are good but...


Yeah, I'm not one of the religious sort, but to me 'god-breathed' seems a bit too...contrived really. I was hoping for something a bit more cryptic and unusual so perhaps most of my disappointment was of my own making. Your symbolism and imagery is good though, so well done on that

Tata mwa!

SS

thank ya muchly for the comment!!