Serpent Crown--on the backburner

Well, Jiggy and smaur are right, and until I can revamp this puppy I'm afraid dear K'ratcha will have to settle for a back burner in my brain. Thanks to all of you who've helped out on this--I hope to have something a bit more worthy of your attentions before too long!

I liked this. Some very interesting characters and a nice touch of fantasy. I love the description of K'ratcha's eyes. Very well done. Just a few specific points -

Somehow he managed to fight his way back into his former kneeling position.

He was afraid; he thought he would be punished and he feared all adults, for he was a very young boy."

Any artist would find K’ratcha’s thin chest and back a fascinating study in all the colors bruises, welts, and scars could possibly be.

He didn’t wince or cry out while the healers re-set a broken leg, bound up several broken ribs, rubbed salve over fresh whip-scars, and treated the bruises that covered his body.

“Frankly,” said the king, “I’m amazed you’ve survived all this.”

__________________

Other than that, very well written and I look forward to reading more.

*blinks*

Didn't know K'ratcha had such a ... colourful past. You've been very quiet about him, Gyr.

Gyr wrote:"He is insubordinate, he resists punishment, he stirs dissention among the other slaves, he thinks himself above his tasks, the list goes on and on, lord."

I don't know, but I think that should be something else and not a comma. A dash or an elipse?

Gyr wrote:"Nothing, sire," Reshold was almost whining now.

Full stop instead of comma.

Gyr wrote:The slave was breathing hard; he coughed, spraying little droplets of blood out onto the handsome floor.

Handsome doesn't seem quite right here. I know what you're getting at, but you should use a different word. It's weird for a floor to be called handsome.


*rubs hands like a fly* Goody goody gumdrops, this is VERY promising. Are you going to be writing up the whole of K'ratcha's story now, then?

Kitty, darling, I'm not sure what your specific points mean--did I misspell or missuse those words?

Twit: yay! I'm so glad you liked it. I shall go back and modify what you say when I have more time (i.e. am not about to rush off to work).

Thanks so much loves!

Well, my darlings, K'ratcha's back and he's been pestering me quite regularly these days, so I thought I'd write up some of the stuff he's dumped in my brain. Please note that this is a serious change in tone and formant: my next few entries will be in first person and a diary-like format. The following is a sort of test entry--depending on your comments, I may format later posts differently or take the story in a different direction (if he'll let me). More than anything, I want to know if, having read this, you'd be interested to hear more form K'ratcha.

Thanks in advance!




I wonder sometimes if I am what they call me. “Pretentious bastard.” “Manipulative weasel.” “Serpent.” Always Serpent. In a way, life would be easier if they were right. But tell me, if I were all those things, if I serve only my own interests, would I be here? I could vanish at any time; few people know my face behind the black-and-red illusion it normally wears, and even fewer have any grasp of my true abilities. At any moment I could walk out practically unchallenged and no search party short of the king’s full focus could find me.

And the king wouldn’t try to find me. I know that he knows of these musings, these considerations, but not once has he ever chained me. Not once has he beaten or starved or maltreated me, but that is not why I stay.
Too many strings lead back to my fingers, depending on me to pull at the right time. To many good men rely on me—unknowingly—to keep them where they are for all their enemies’ plotting. I am the cement in too many political constructions, the wedge in too many doors, the subtle voice in too many ears.

And now you think me arrogant.

This accusation, at least, I do not deny, and yet I think you fail to grasp the true extent of my pride. You see, I am alive. If I truly cared about this country, this world, this people, then I would have seen to it that I was dead before I could become so indispensable to them.

For as valuable as my machinations have been, as successful as my plots and plans and schemes have turned out, as long as I am alive there is the risk. The ultimate, world-shattering risk that someone, anyone, might find out who I truly am.

And what.

~K’ratcha, Royal Jester

Coo! More! I thought you'd given up on this!

Onto the shredding!


...


Um, what is it I'm supposed to do here again?

Short but oh so sweet. Very poetic and insightful. ^_~ I couldn't see anything to pick out. You annoying, difficult, difficult bird.

PM me when there's more up?

Hey gyrfalcon.

"He is a troublemaker, lord," sneered Reshold. "He is insubordinate, he resists punishment, he stirs dissention among the other slaves, he thinks himself above his tasks, the list goes on and on, lord."

Interesting.

"Peace!" Nasharon's voice carried over the anger of the crowd. They began to quiet. "Peace, I would hear him!"

I like Nasharon.

Nasharon's face had gone pale, and the court began to murmur quietly. The princess had died many years ago, and she had been greatly loved among her people and especially by her father.

The slave continued as if he couldn't hear them. "But she wasn't angry. She brought the boy onto her lap and asked him what his name was. He replied that he didn't have one besides 'Brat,' which was what all the slave boys were called. She said that Brat was no fit name for any child and told him the story I have just told you. She said, 'Now your name is K'ratcha, and never let anyone call you different.' And so K'ratcha is my name, lord. I thank you for your indulgence.

I really like how you used a fable like story as the slave's dialogue to profess to the king his name. It adds quite a bit of depth and uniqueness in his character. I also like how the princess in the fable was compassionate and understanding. Not many fiction that I've read where a fictional character would ask a stranger his/her name when they are caught in a place they shouldn't be. It's quite refreshing actually to see it worked in to the mythos. Kudos to you there.

Nasharon stared into them, and through them.

Just a nitpick, but isn't staring into them and through them mean kinda the same thing?

Overall impression:

I really like this. It was really well thought out and beautifully written. What I really liked the most was your characters.

Nasharon is a really good king. He is nobel, yet understanding of other people's view points, whether for or against certain classes in the society ladder. This is demonstrated when he looked into K'ratcha's eyes and decided to cut him free and when he was talking to him in private. Yet at time same time, there are still slaves in the kingdom. I'm really curious as to why this is so.

K'ratcha is also a really well developed character. He has endured hardship, both physical and mental, yet remains true to his thoughts and emotions. The way that you used an intruging fable like tale to profess his name not only adds a lot of character depth, but makes it all the more convincing for the king to understand who K'ratcha is and therefore set him free as a slave.

The princess is also really interesting. It seems to be the link between K'ratcha and the King, as it was her that had influenced both these character's choices and actions. K'ratcha's fable told of this princess, yet the princess herself doesn't follow the sterotype of "princesses" in fairytales (e.g: Prince Charming, Rapunzel etc).

She was collective, understanding and kind (and the king mentioned that she was a loving person). Her morals and actions intertwine those of the King and K'ratcha, and hence provide convincing motivations in their actions.

Now that K'ratcha is in the king's care, I am really interested as to how it all works out.

One thing I think you can maybe add in is how the audience reacted when the king released the slave. I'm sure something of this nature doesn't happen often. Then again, by not adding emphaisis on the crowd, it makes the narrative run more smoothly and naturally. It's you call.

Overall, I really like this. It brims with interesting themes and a sense of morals and some really memorable characters. I think I got a warm fuzzy feeling after reading this. And so, I'm giving you a gold star.

I'll have a look at the other part later. It's getting near my bed time.

Andy.

Some things should not be committed to writing, I acknowledge that. And as such, I also admit the monstrosity of the folly I now commit. Perhaps I finally don’t care anymore, or at least, care less. Perhaps I am tired of playing the fool, or of the playing itself.

Who knows me? Oh, K’ratcha, that jolly mad jester of the king’s, we know him. A little off in the head, maybe, but harmless. Or, alternatively: That disgusting, serpent-born slave, waltzing about and giving himself airs (I admit to the waltzing).

In the palace, anywhere in the capitol, and most places on this continent, my name would be recognized. And yet I remain one of the greatest mysteries of the age. Even my master has little clear idea of my deeper secrets, and no idea at all of the deepest one.

Do not pity me, or think that is what I am doing myself. This is a boast. As one of the most visible figures in the court, I have nevertheless managed to shroud myself quite effectively. And “shroud” is a carefully-chosen word.

The true rigors of a jester’s life are known to only a few. I train constantly (and alone) to keep myself in as good a physical condition as I can manage. And don’t think that, if I’m not feeling quite up to a particular tumble, I can just ‘illusion’ the trick to save myself trouble. Crafting illusions often takes more out of me than physical activity. And then there’s the matter of my height. Why do you think the best acrobats are often small, compact people? Because tall, long-limbed people find ourselves constantly tripping over our own legs. I have heard myself described (not to my face, of course) as “effortlessly graceful” and “possessed of a singular coordination.” If they only knew how hard and long I’ve worked to gain those qualities.

Nearly every night I entertain the court after or even during dinner. Often it’s no more than a simple gymnastic routine and a few satiric comments. But sometimes, especially at dances, I am required to give a much more spectacular demonstration. But I’d rather not go into that now.

To own the truth, I was supposed to have been killed at birth. For various reasons, most of them quite honorable, my mother’s father didn’t want her living with the shame my existence would bring, and even managed to hide her pregnancy from common knowledge.

The main trouble was that, for being so admirably determined to begin with, he didn’t have the heart to see the thing personally carried out. He left it to one of his loyal guards—one of the few outside the family who was ‘in’ on the secret. And that loyal guard, irrevocably drunk at that point in time, assigned my destruction to his young batboy, a newly-purchased slave called Karrak.

Poor Karrak was told to throw me into the river. Poor, stupid Karrak let me lived, and even managed to make his master—the aforementioned drunk guard—think he’d done the deed. This guard, when no longer drunk, fully believed me dead, and as such when he told my grandfather, that same firm belief passed to him, and so I fell out of immediate concern.

Karrak took me to a woman called Salla, who owned a little bakery in Alramas. She’d been a friend to Karrak before, and as such was kind enough to take me in, nurse me along with her own infant daughter, and promptly sell me when I was old enough to walk. I bear the woman no ill will—times were hard for her then, and my mixed heritage wouldn’t have been so easy to hide as I grew. Eventually I would have been recognized as a serpent-born and probably snatched off the streets or, worse, have my heritage delved into. As just another toddler bastard among dozens at the slave nursery, I merited no special attention.

Oooh, more. I honestly do want to pick some stuff out, but I honestly can't. >.<

And that loyal guard, irrevocably drunk at that point in time, assigned my destruction to his young batboy, a newly-purchased slave called Karrak.

Now who's doing modern military?

Often it’s no more than a simple gymnastic routine and a few satiric comments.

Should that be satirical? *desperate*

Ah, Gyr. It's always fun to read your stuff.

I seriously didn't like K'ratcha telling his story in the manner of a fable - it was both annoying and off-putting. It really jars you from the story. Having said that, you made it slightly - slightly - more believable by having the guards beat him for his temerity, if only briefly.

For some reason, to me, that whole moment seems forced however. I can't help but feel it as a deliberate construct - as in you, the writer, wanted to get a particular reaction and so devised a means to cause it. It's not good when I can see this, or have an intuition of it. It should flow. To me at least, that does not.

I liked the touches of fantasy, and the story thus far. You've shown some restraint, and in this forum, that is always refreshing to see.

I think the second post works, as a letter before a chapter would, but not as a chapter or a style in and of itself. It's a common fantasy technique, and a good one when written well as you have here. So I absolutely think you should continue it - it works especially well as a hook, something to whetten the appetite of the reader if the opening chapter aren't very eventful.

Do not continue to do this as the main chapter in and of itself. You are merely telling us things now, without the benefit or the associated joy that comes with, of seeing events play out. What's more, and far worse, it is the main character talking about himself - this does not make us like him. It is an annoying effect. I strongly suggest you use these last posts as "letters" before the actual chapters.

Failing that, you could always tell the story through an exchanging of letters between characters. This varies the point of view, broadens the spectrum of events covered, and generally makes things more interesting. But again, more of the first chapter are needed.

Cheers.

I like a lot of aspects of this. You construct the story very well; the dialogue is engaging and the characters are interesting albeit occasionally stereotypical. (I'll get to that later.) I think you've got a really fun and intriguing premise to work with, and I think it can lead in a lot of interesting directions.

Now.

The Characters

Having said all of that, I'm kind of worried because the story is dotted with clichés and stereotypes and I feel like they might detract from your narrative, a lot. The characters feel kind of contrived in a fantasy-ish way, which is to say the wise empathetic king, the whiny jerk of a noble, the proud slave who rises above his ranks are all roles that have been rehashed again and again in this genre. I don't mean to be harsh, but I feel like these characters lack depth and it makes for a less interesting story.

I also find it vaguely unlikely that:

(1) The king of an empire would be bothered to deal with such trivial concerns as his nobles' slave troubles.

(2) He would adopt the slave so easily.

Now. Maybe there is some explanation for this, but the fact of the matter is that, within the narrative it comes off as really implausible. As someone who rules an empire, I'm sure he has a hundred thousand other concerns, and I think his nobles of all people would understand that he is a busy man, not to be trifled with.

My personal suggestion (to be taken or left as you so choose) is to add a smidgen more conflict within the story. What if K'ratcha really did do something that warranted punishment? Something bad enough that it deserved to be taken up with the king of an empire? Something like successfully staging a slave rebellion? I think it would be interesting to see how the King reacted, given the circumstances, and especially if he was intrigued with K'ratcha. From the story you've presented, he doesn't seem like a particularly whimsical man, and yet deciding to take K'ratcha as his jester seems like something done on a whim. I would love to see it more of a gradual decision — maybe he throws K'ratcha in jail and then visits him on downtime and grows kind of fond of him — I don't know. But at least that way, the characters wouldn't feel so cardboard. Reshold wouldn't be as downright Evil with a capital E, K'ratcha wouldn't be as Noble (capital N) and the relationships of the characters would evolve organically.

That's a lot of work, and a lot of rewriting and replanning and I'm not sure if that's the kind of commitment you planned on putting into this story. But I really believe that this is a fantastic piece of narrative, and with some tweaking it could be absolutely awesome.

As a side note, why is there an apostrophe in "K'ratcha"? How does that affect the pronunciation? (What I'm getting at here is: is there a reason for the apostrophe? I know a lot of people put them in their characters' names, without quite having a purpose, and it stops functioning as a piece of syntax and becomes a random character in the person's name.)

The Opening

The doors at the back of the Grand Hall opened and the next case came forward. Nasharon, the King of the Arashna Empire, watched as the little party moved towards him, four men in all. Out front was Reshold, clearly a nobleman in his long, flowing blue robes. He was a small man, as were most Arashna, with little beady eyes and a short, pointed nose. Behind him were two large black-skinned guards, dragging the fourth man between them. Nasharon craned his neck to see. The man would have been tall if he hadn't been bent almost double. His head hung low as if some one had broken his neck and he stumbled on legs that were clearly too weak to hold him. His hands were tied behind his back and all that Nasharon could see of his appearance was a crop of silky black hair cut short and a large purple bruise on one cheek. The guards dumped him unceremoniously on the tile floor and he knelt there, head down, shoulders slumped.

I really liked your story, but getting into it initially was pretty difficult. As soon as I hit

"Your highness," said Reshold, bowing low.

it began to flow a lot more naturally, and became interesting. But before that, this epic, lengthy paragraph kind of bogs down your narrative. I think I like your opening line, but I feel like this entire paragraph as a whole could be trimmed, and made into smaller paragraphs for easier readability + increased effectiveness. As it stands, I think it would be a lot more effective if you just presented us with the basics — bam, next case comes forward, he's haggard and battered, is dumped on the ground, the King goes, 'what is this?'

In the ensuing paragraphs, you can fill in descriptions of the character, and of the Arashna people, and everything else. But at the very beginning of the story, when you're drawing your reader in, a lot of these details are unnecessary; it's about the action in the story. Put it this way: if a person is trying to determine whether or not they want to read your story, the descriptions of the character won't clinch their decision, it'll be the events that are unfolding within the narrative. And I think you have a lot of really great events unfolding in the narrative, so it's a shame that the descriptions get in the way.

Don't get me wrong — I love description. I just feel that a lot of the stuff that you have in your opening paragraph has no place there.

Other Things

“You flatter me, sire, but you have to be kidding. I am no clown.”

The 'you've gotta be kidding' line feels anachronistic. All of your dialogue has been proper and pseudo-archaic, so this sentence feels awkward and out of place.

Also, on an entirely unrelated note, I'll second what Jiggy said — I'm not really a fan of the story that K'ratcha tells; it doesn't serve much function except to show that his name has background, which the princess informs us when she gives him his name. It seems kind of pointless, and it also kind of lags that part of the narrative.

And if you are going to use that story, I'd suggest having K'ratcha tell the entire thing instead of just dismissing it as a 'story [that] continued along the familiar lines'. As it stands now, it feels as if you start the story and then just kind of dismiss it, so I think it would be more effective to either leave it out altogether or let K'ratcha tell it with storytelling flair.

* * *

Okay, I'm going to stop critiquing. If you have any questions or want me to clarify anything, let me know and I'll try to answer as clearly as possible.

I'll tell you right now that I'm not a huge fan of the diary-style, not because it isn't good (it IS good) but just because I feel like your narrative style is significantly more effective in telling this story. I think the diary style has a tendency to get rambly, and you also haven't written any dialogue in the diary posts. Personally, I think that's a huge loss because your dialogue writing is really really great and flows very nicely.

So far, though, this is shaping up to be a really interesting story, and I think it would be really fun to see how this plays out and what happens to K'ratcha next. Good luck! : )