My Psalm

I couldn't descide which one I liked better so I put them both. Any preferences?

My heart is craving something more,

what this world offers does not satisfy,

it seems this longing just grows stronger,

this pit of depression is a prison around me.

People tell me I am nothing,

they taunt me and bring me down,

I just ignore them yet I still
can’t fill this breaking heart of mine.

My life flows by me,

all my past failures haunt me,

the waves gush over me,

filling me with guilt,

I look with regret at what I’ve done,

the good things seem just too few.

Yet I see a light in the distance,

a lighthouse of love.

My God, my King, your love does fill
this broken aching heart of mine.

Oh Lord, I come to you!

Please welcome back
your prodigal son.


and


My heart is craving more than this darkness I love,
your light is shining, like a beacon in a storm.

These dark desires, satisfy me no more,
I wish you to enter my empty heart.

Once again I come to you,
empty handed and distraught.

This love you give me is incomprehensible,
there’s nothing like it on earth.

Praise be to your great love,
your mercy to a prodigal son like me.

I liked it, but it was perhaps a little too maudlin? I'm not saying the point you make was maudlin, just the way it was presented. Too melodramatic. Can't crit this properally - just wanted to say that I'd read it and liked it. It was just a bit too melodramatic.

I certainly prefer the layout of the second and altogether, it's more poetic. The first is in sort of a prayer format and has similar language to such so yeah, the second is best.

As for the actual content, I like the mention of the prodigal son but it's rather unoriginal and a touch insubstantial. Perhaps add some more imagery and expand on what you have. I do like it but I feel that it could be improved and also, it needs a better rhythm if it's a Psalm. Good luck on this,

Heather xx

Ah.... Very Nice!

I don't think anything needs to be done to it, my personal opinon.

As for which is better...

Well the first I kind of like better, but mainly because it's longer.

I don't really have a favorite, they're so good!

Good blessings on any more you decide to write!

I'm no expert on poetry, but I will say this: I felt the first far more strongly than I felt the second. I understood what you were feeling -- but the second was just a sort of pale echo.

Perhaps inexperienced eyes are unworthy eyes, but nevertheless, I prefer the first. :) Loved it, by the way!

~ aisho

I prefered the first over the second version. I think the first was stronger and sounded better. I didn't like the second one as much for some reason I don't know why, I think it was the wording I found better