Without

A rose without peddles.
The sun without light.
A moonbeam without shadow.
A night within a night.


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my sister wrote this. She's 10 and she's entering a poetry contest so she wants to know how good is what she has and what else she needs...she doesn't trust me of course...*sigh* She would like you to tear it apart as much as possible. Thanks.

~Rieda

first off, it's 'pettles'.


The main issue here is that she's not expression anything here. She needs to expand upon it and actually complete the unfinished idea here.

She gives some images, but there's nothing actually happening, no emotion, no characters or actions.

I have to agree that this is too short and there's not really much there. Tell her to work on her imagery and add some more lines. Also, the last line doesn't fit. The theme of the poem is clearly things that are missing so why 'a night within a night?' For an early poem, there's some nice words and it's not without potential but it needs work.

Actually I think it's "petals". Other than that, it's nice but I am left wondering why it was written, if you see what I mean. What is it about? What is its purpose? What emotion or event is it trying to convey? It needs to be more concrete, and preferably longer. The words could use toning down slightly too - moonbeams, roses, etc. are all very well, but they're very common in poetry and hence lose some of their originality and power. But that's just a personal preference Overall I agree with kitty; it has potential but it needs work.

I agree with bubbles. This poem just doesn't go anywhere. I understand she's ten--but ask her if she can write a little more to better explain what she's trying to say. For a ten year old, it's not bad.

...And yes, it is "petals," lol.