The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)

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All that about the Chaos Dragon and Dragon Knights sounds intimidating... But that bit about the moon and negative energies was good.

My main worry is that "Dragon Knights" sounds suspiciously like an Eragon rip-off with "Dragon Riders". And the legend of a Knight who will be oh-so-powerful and use a magical weapon of great power.... it's cliched. Sorry, but it is.

And your dialogue could use some tweaking.

Dynamo wrote:“I sense that you have many questions that you cannot lay to rest.”

Example here. It just sounds too much of a Yoda/old Obi-Wan type speech. Use contractions in dialogue (isn't can't couldn't shouldn't) as they make it sound more natural.

Dynamo wrote:Kai wanted to change the subject. The thought of an inevitable apocalypse is making him feel depressed.

Well, DUH he's gonna be "depressed" at an inevitable apocalypse. "Depressed" is too mild. SHOW how he feels in his facial expression, his dialogue, his body language.

Dynamo wrote:Kai was very interested now. “Where did you put it?”

Draco stopped walking and looked up into the night sky. “That.”

"There" would be better, as the question was WHERE the negative stuff was put.

Dynamo wrote:Kai was very interested now. “Where did you put it?”

Draco stopped walking and looked up into the night sky. “That.”

Kai looked up at the sky as well. In the middle of the sky he saw the full moon. “The moon?”

Draco replied, “Yes, the moon. Do you know why it glows ever so in the night sky?”

Kai thought for a moment and replied, “No, not really.”

Ever so = weird phrase. Take it out.

Use something else to start a sentance with. All this is "Draco did/said this" and "Kai did/said that" without exploring other ways. Exploit your tags!

See here:

Dynamo wrote:Draco replied in a grave tone, “True, but that is exactly the reason why I’m here.”

The bit about "the grave tone" runs on for too long and detracts from the dialogue itself. Snoink, I think, once said not to add an adverb to tags, show the emotion in the dialogue. While adverbs are useful, this is an example of Snoink's point. The tag grabs all the attention.

Those are only a few things; otherwise this was good, and it kept me reading. My warning is to its possible cliched-ness, stilted dialogue (remember, if you wouldn't say, then neither would your characters) and too long tags. And different ways to start sentances.

Happy tweaking!

Ah, perhaps it is cliched but not in the sense you're speaking of. I got my inspiration to write this story from Eragon, that much is true. But that's not where I got my IDEAS. If anything, the only similarity between the two (Once you get to read most of the story) is the fact that dragons exist, nothing more. But, thanks for voicing your concerns and critics nonetheless.

I don't mean to spoil the surprise, but it's likely that nobody will remember this by the time my work is/might be published. The main character gets possessed by the evil spirit inside of him at the end of this saga, which causes him to become the main antagonist in the next saga where his son has to fight him.

So, no, it's definitely NOT cliched from Eragon, not in the sense you're speaking of.

Cool, this is getting really interesting now. Isn't the evil spirit meant to have red text though?

Once more I can't find much wrong with it, save for what has already been mentioned.

~ Shadowsun