Pompeii

Did you walk here once,
on these cobblestones?
Did you stand in this place
and see the halo of damp sun
collected at the edges of
ivory Apollo's form?

I wonder if you saw a dog,
thirsty for a river,
in a puddle of shade
or heard the birds
before they flew away.

Did you drink in the warmth
under the lemon trees?
Were you here, eating fruit,
the warm juice dripping
down your chin?

I wonder where you were
when the sky fell down
and if you knew
that after the black
there would never be
any more
light.






I actually meant to put this in the dramatic poetry section. Actually, I'm not sure it belongs there either. I've never had to categorize my poems before so I'm not really sure what they are. Please move it if appropriate, since I can't find a delete button.

I like it, especially stanzas one and three. I like the way it peters out in the last stanza, but overall I think that the conclusion could be more powerful. "When the sky fell down", and "after the black", seem a little cliche, and I don't think they're really strong enough to capture the horror of what happend.I think the end also needs to be a bit more speficic, as if it weren't for the mention of Apolo (although he also had temples in Greece), and the title, this would be a bit too vague, and the distaster at Pompeii wouldn't have been an obvious theme.Maybe you could expand on the ending a bit.
Other than that, you had some good imagery here, and your enjambment is excellent.

Thanks for the feedback, it means a lot. I played around a lot with the last stanza because I didn't like that line ("after the black" - it used to be "after the darkness" but I thought that was even worse). I still don't like that line.

Someone else I showed this to couldn't really give me any crit because even with the title they couldn't figure out the setting, so I know that it suffers a little because it's not clear what it's about. Would another stanza with a little more direct imagery help? I don't want to load on the background too heavily because in a way I think it might spoil it - but I see now that I really do need something to tie this together.

I knew what it was about straight away so don't worry about making it clearer; it's fine as it is. As for the content...

I like the description in your first stanza and, while I'm not a huge fan of questions in poetry, I think they worked very well here. The second stanza isn't as nice. I like the lines concerning the birds but the stuff with the dog goes slightly off point. The third line doesn't make much of an impact so maybe you could tie the stanza back to your theme there. For example -

I wonder if you saw a dog,
thirsty for a river,
Before the land was scorched. or something...

I like the mention of the lemon trees in the third stanza and there is a good contrast of warmth there with the cold later on. I agree that the fourth could be better. If you don't like 'after the black,' why not use 'after the abyss' or something. A thesaurus might help if you want a better word. In general it's good though and it's an interesting topic to write on.

Wow... I don't think I've ever read any of your poetry. Well, I mean serious poetry. Do haikus about socks count? I'm not sure.
Anyway, I really love the way its organized, and the rhythm to it.... and I know you'll hate me, but honestly, I wouldn't alter a thing. It's so pictareque, I can really visualize what you're describing. And the ending is heavy, just like the real action of what you're talking about (if that makes sense). Anyway, I really love it...

It was very moving, I totally understood what you were trying to say, the feelings you were trying to express.
xoxo

It was a great poem. I was expecting it. Which in some cases is bad but I don't think it was for your case. It worked out nicely.

Good imagery. Nice ending. Very good.

[quote="Lynlyn"]Did you walk here once,
on these cobblestones?
Did you stand in this place
and see the halo of damp sun
collected at the edges of
ivory Apollo's form?
This could be one long run on sentence. Need to separate into sentences.

I wonder if you saw a dog,
thirsty for a river,
in a puddle of shade same thing here...
or heard the birds
before they flew away.

Did you drink in the warmth
under the lemon trees?
Were you here, eating fruit,
the warm juice dripping add a period here.
down your chin?

I wonder where you were
when the sky fell down
and if you knew
that after the black
there would never be
any more
light.

This is as bad as the first paragraph you need tro watch out for this kind of thing. the poem wasn't half bad when i read it all.
Fix the technical stuff and you will be fine.

SCL




[size=9]I actually meant to put this in the dramatic poetry section. Actually, I'm not sure it belongs there either. I've never had to categorize my poems before so I'm not really sure what they are. Please move it if appropriate, since I can't find a delete button.[/size][/quote]

Lynlyn, quiet enjoyable. I recently did some research on Pompeii and so the title caught my eye; I got a real sense of a captured perfect moment here, which is what I think you were going for. For some reason, I especially liked the image of the lemon juice dripping down your chin--I could almost feel it!


Also, SimonCowellLuver, just a note for future reference: you don't have to repeat the author's entire post, it can be a little annoying.

Did you walk here once,
on these cobblestones?
Did you stand in this place
and see the halo of damp sun - Great metaphor
collected at the edges of
ivory Apollo's form? - Awesome so far. Wow. Great descriptions

I wonder if you saw a dog,
thirsty for a river,
in a puddle of shade
or heard the birds
before they flew away.

Did you drink in the warmth
under the lemon trees?
Were you here, eating fruit,
the warm juice dripping
down your chin? - I think another word besides "chin" would be better =)

I wonder where you were
when the sky fell down
and if you knew
that after the black
there would never be
any more
light.

Wow. How does this poem need any help whatsoever? Its so greatly written! Very enjoyable! The adjetives you use are just mystifying, really. So descriptive and beautiful - graceful. You're an excellent writer!! Keep it up!!

wow, that was awesome. i look forward to reading more of your work :3

I think it was an awesome poem, i could visualize everything with so much clarity , and it definitely brought me to another place. that's the thing I most admired of it, how easily in a few words you created a great picture. I really liked it =).

Incredible. I think it's really strong and clear and well thought-out. The stanzas look really good and you did very well with this. I'm not sure why but I can't really give anything constructive, but the others did a nice job reviewing. Well done and Keep writing!

It's all been said already but I wanted to say that I like it too!