Suffering Candle

Suffering Candle


The candle light flickers
it lights up a small area,
of the darkness.
The wind blows,
The area is suddenly,
filled again with darkness.


His eyes glaze over,
His life is like a candle,
Flickering and flashing before his eyes.
Waiting for two special girls,
Right after the girls come up,
His candle flickered out.


He is struggling to stay alive
He is taken over, not much else he can do.
He realizes they don't like to see him suffer
So he let himself go, so they wouldn't have to suffer too.

-- By Colette

Mhmm, I lack emotion it read very dull and boring. It doesn't flow, I'm just reading sentence after sentence and there is no sense of excitement to be found.

I have a few remarks though

The candle light flickers
it lights up a small area,
of the darkness.
The wind blows,
The area is suddenly,
filled again with darkness.

The comma after area is not needed, the whole sentence would just be " The candle light flickers it lights up a small area of the darkness "

Your use of darkness in the last stanza is a bit repetitive, find a way to explain the "unavailability of light" without using darkness

His eyes glaze over,
His life is like a candle,
Flickering and flashing before his eyes.
Waiting for two special girls,
Right after the girls come up,
His candle flickered out.

The first line seems out of place but I might be getting what you're trying yo explain. I guess the way you tried to explain it in the second line was a bit "invisible" shall we say. I would make it :

His eyes glaze over,
his life's candle


Overall, it wasn't an exciting read as I said before. The whole candle scene might be a bit cliche. Especially in the second stanza, "a candle represent someone's life" how many times have we seen that?

I hope this was useful, next time better

Cheerios, Chandni

Chandni comment on some punctuation. I certainly think you could go through and clean up the punctuation, at least a bit.

There didn't seem much in it, I didn't feel anything. In fact, I'm not entirely sure what it was about and what I should feel... it confused me. It made sense, but emotionally, it didn't. Ask yourself what you want the reader to feel. The candle is obviously a symbol for something, bring it out more. Use the candle light as a better visual, give us more imagery. Make me feel something, most of all. If you cleaned those up, this might turn out good

I think you could tidy this up with a bit more imagery, some nice description of the 'area' or the candle perhaps and then take a look at the flow. It's not a bad poem but it does need to create a bigger impact on the reader and a bit more about the 'two' special girls would be helpful. I'd like to know what their relationship with the persona is. Are they his wife and daughter? Good friends? Two lovers? It's not bad though and I'd love to read any improvements you make.