TIGWS:Rise of the Rebellion

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Sorry it took so long to post, but here it it:

The ride through hyperspace was long and dull. After exiting, Kwest took a deep breath.

Easy now, Kwest, we are just going to land as politicians. Yes…we are not leaders of a rebellion, thought Kwest. Who knows if the Emperors already knew who Lira and I really are?

Lira walked up behind Kwest and sat in the pilot’s chair. She sighed.

“Everything okay?” Lira asked, knowing something was wrong.

“Yup.” Kwest took another deep breath. “Just finding my courage.”

“We’ll be fine. We go to Galeon a lot, ya know. This is just another political visit. It really is.”

“Yeah, I know. But what if-”

“Relax,” Lira soothed.

Kwest closed his eyes and nodded.

The Dagger neared Galeon. Even though the planet was controlled by the Emperor, it was still very beautiful, in Kwest’s opinion. The entire planet was one large city, except for the gigantic gorge creeping down the middle. This gorge was formed by the most powerful earthquake the galaxy had ever seen, and it had rocked and formed the planet in its early days.

Rows and rows of speeders and starships flew in every direction, and millions of people roamed the streets, doing their business. Everything was peaceful and looked completely normal.

If you think armed droids patrols roaming the streets is normal.

In the distance, Kwest and Lira could see Imperial droid garrisons, with walkers and other armed vehicles ready to kill.

Ahead of the Dagger was the Senate building, which was one big dome, with a landing platform on the top. Many Senatorial speeders and starships were parked there, as well as the Emperor’s private shuttle. As the workday came to a close, hundreds of aliens and humans walked from the Senate building to the compound right next to it. The Senate Compound housed all the senators and their aids. A glass skyway linked the Senate building and compound, and Lira saw the droid security patrols there as well. They were stationed everywhere.

Atop the trapezoid-shaped compound, special guests and world leaders were housed in luxury apartments. Below that building was the actual Senate compound that housed the average senator, who were of no use to the Emperor. This was where the glass skyway connected, too.

“Back again,” muttered Lira.

“So where should we leave the Dagger?” asked Kwest, uncertainly.

“There,” said Lira, as she pointed to a place about thirty minutes walking distance from the Senate.

“A small parking garage?”

“Yes, I want to support local business, and stay low. Come on,” explained Lira.

“Okay…whatever.”

As the Dagger neared the Senate building, a mechanical voice sounded through the comm. “Names and purpose of visit.”

“Okay, Lira, have any bright ideas?” asked Kwest.

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Tell them the truth,” said Lira, grinning.

“What!? Our purpose and everything!” Kwest exclaimed.

“No silly! Just listen,” Lira laughed and keyed the comm. Kwest sat in the pilot’s chair confused and bewildered.

“We are the presidents of Zatship Drive Yards here for business with a client,” Lira diplomatically said. Kwest let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. There was a slight pause and some mechanical clicking.

“You’re clear to proceed,” the same monotone voice said.

Lira shut off the comm. “See,” Lira said, “it was the truth.”

Kwest brought the Dagger to the small parking garage, about two kilometers away from the Senate compound.

“Uh, Lira?” asked Kwest as he parked the ship.

“Yeah?”

Kwest looked out the viewport at the other ships in the parking garage. There weren’t many. “Did you ever figure that this is about two kilometers from the Senate compound?” he asked. “Are we renting a speeder or something? It’s probably what the Emperor wants.”

Lira just smiled at beckoned to Kwest. He followed her out the ship, around and to the back of it. The landing ramp in the back was already open. Kwest peered into the large, dark opening.

“We can’t just follow their every desire…that’s why I brought this!” Lira exclaimed, keying the switch for the lights.

“You think of everything don’t you?!” Kwest burst out.

Kwest slowly walked up the ramp. Inside was a Zatship H-class Civilian Airspeeder or HC for short. A small, but classy speeder, it could hold three people in its open cockpit. The long body housed narrow engines jutting out of each side. Unlike almost anything ZDY created, this airspeeder had no Zatship symbol. It was perfect cover.

“Wow,” exclaimed Kwest.

“The navcomputer is exceptional on her. It can find just about any location,” Lira said, slapping a hand on the speeder.

Kwest walked around the HC, carefully examining it.

“The H-Class speeder is also undetectable to all sensors, and its navlights are bright, but not too bright. Its top speed is 720 kilometers per hour. A fast speeder for it size,” Lira explained further.

“Wow, I never knew we made anything like this!” Kwest proclaimed.

“Yeah, neither did I. Cere recommended it to me. He said that he designed it himself,” Lira said.

“And so we don’t attract a lot of attention with it either. I see that it’s unarmed,” Kwest said.

“Uh-huh.”

A Reeian walked up behind Lira and Kwest. The two turned around. “Hello, I am Teeo, manager of this garage. Should I fill ‘er up?” the Reeian asked.

A yellow-skinned humanoid from the planet Ree, Reeians are admirable climbers and swimmers.

“Yeah,” Kwest replied, handing him some gaswas. Lira watched the Reeian, about four and a half feet tall, scurry around the ship, examining it. Kwest looked behind him at the bustling, energetic city.

The two hopped into the speeder. Making sure they had locked the Dagger, they flew out of the garage, leaving it far behind them.
Last edited by PsychicNinja on Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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This is moving along nicely, but it still needs a bit more description. There are a couple of things wrong with it though.

PsychicNinja wrote:A yellow-skinned humanoid from the planet Ree, Reeians are admirable climbers and swimmers. They have also been having a civil war on Ree for over 20 years.


Info Dump!!


Thats about it.

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I like how it's coming, but is it possible to perhaps put some more pride in the way Lira talks about the speeder? Like, having her swagger up the ramp and stroke it like a loyal horse, then talk about it like she just gave birth to it or something. Because it seems to me that while Kwest is impressed, Lira is just casually reciting its features, and it sounds like you want her to be impressed, too.

But that's about all I have to say. Good job!
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
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This is good, and moving very nicely. An intriguing read, I would say if I am a high-class literary review, which I am not.

I have to make this quick, so I'll say two things:

1.) The planet that is an entire city: isn't that like, well, Coruscant? Are the people there so impressed by the Star Warsians that they copy their planet-inhabiting techniques?

2.) I thought it was a bit weird that there was a "fill-'er-up" guy in the parking garage. In real life you have to drive out of the parking garage to get your tank filled. You may scoff, but I think it is a good idea to have some things (in such genres as sci-fi when they happen in another dimension, galaxy, or realm) stay solid to what they are like in real life, so people can relate. (I've found that people enjoy the books that have small things similar to real life more, because oddly enough it's the small things that people can't get their minds around.)

Well, I gotta go. Peace, love, chocolate, sanity.

Muffin




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Hey YOU! I think you did a good job, at first I was kinda spacing out, but it was me because I was listening to music full blast I might add and I wasn't concentrated on your work I had to reread it. I liked it, it was a good effort, keep trying you'll get it!

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I like your story very much! (sorry for the late comment. Dang chatroom!) I'm excited for more. There were only a couple things I discovered.

Kwest brought the Dagger to the small parking garage, about two kilometers away from the Senate compound.

“Uh, Lira?” asked Kwest as he parked the ship.

“Yeah?”

Kwest looked out the viewport at the other ships in the parking garage. There weren’t many. “Did you ever figure that this is about two kilometers from the Senate compound?” he asked. “Are we renting a speeder or something? It’s probably what the Emperor wants.”


K, um...you said "the parking garage was two kilometeres away from the Senate compound" twice in very, VERY similar wording. It's just kinda, like...woah! Reword one of the sentences, or fix it somehow. I didn't much like that.

I found something else, but I can't find the quote, so I won't bother. Pretty much, you gave me the story, gave me the information, and that's good. Now let the reader feel for the characters. Lira seems proud that she planned ahead, but I didn't feel as proud for her as I could have. Just...a tad bit more emotion. Remember, this is a book, not a movie, which makes it much longer and harder.

Otherwise, beautiful! I look forward to more! Gimme gimme gimme! *sigh* fine, I'll wait...

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Meesa has fixed the kilometer thingy, Jabber!

Thanks for all your comments!

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"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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hehe, i liiiikkkiiieeeeessssss
not really that much into star wars, but tis intrigueinnggg :)
keep it uppp
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Hello again! Okay, let's get my little suggestions out of the way first and then I'll give you a few general comments -

Below that building was the actual Senate compound that housed the average senator, who were of no use to the Emperor. [Either senator should be senators or were should be was.]

As the Dagger neared the Senate building, a mechanical voice sounded through the comm. [Not sure if you decided to keep this as comm or change it to intercom but I'm going to point out where you've used it and then it'll be easier to find should you decide to make the change.]

Lira laughed and keyed the comm.

Lira diplomatically said. [Would probably sound better as Lyra said diplomatically.]

Lira shut off the comm.

Lira just smiled at [Should be and not at/] beckoned to Kwest.

_____________________________

Other than that, I'm liking Lira's character but Kwest still needs something to make him stand out. Give him some traits that none of the other characters have. Perhaps make him funny, overly serious or really smart but he needs something that defines who he is and makes him easier to relate to. Overall, another good chapter so keep up the good work,

Heather xx
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Hm..Heather..that's my brother's job. We are sort of writing it togehter..
Actually he's feeding me some ideas...and I write it! Kwest is modeled after him.

Here are some pronunciations:
Lira=Lee-ra
Cere=Ceer (blame my bro for that one)
Zorrac=Zor-ra-ck

I think the other ones are pretty obvious.

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"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Ah. I believe I was pronouncing Lira's name wrong. I shall make a mental note...
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great job. I like the suspense between chapters. :smt044




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PsychicNinja wrote:Easy now, Kwest, we are just going to land as politicians. Yes…we are not leaders of a rebellion, thought Kwest. Who knows if the Emperors already knew who Lira and he really were?

This is still Kwest thinking, right? That should be in first-person and in present tense, ie "Who knows if the Emperors already know who Lira and I really are?"

PsychicNinja wrote:A yellow-skinned humanoid from the planet Ree, Reeians are admirable climbers and swimmers. They have also been having a civil war on Ree for over 20 years.

Another infodumpy section. Any way to reword this, or cut out unnecessary content?

Lol, sorry I missed this one, and sorry it took me so long to get around to critiquing it... I liked this one. :D Scifi machines are cool. :smt023

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