Two Men on a Bridge

Chapter 1


“So, it’s all gone wrong then.”

“Yep.”

The second speaker dropped the single word into the chasm of silence beneath the bridge with puncturing finality.

“’S’all gone.” He continued, after a pause.

The two men, leaning casually over the railings, toyed drunkenly with empty beer bottles, taking a few imaginary swigs. One stared out with grey eyes over the gentle ripples as they reflected the thin moon onto their faces. The other dribbled deliberately over the lip of the bridge, watching his spit globules make tiny splashes in the water.

“You could always, like, go back or something.” The first suggested, wrenching himself from the endlessly entertaining task of dropping balls of saliva into the river.

“What? Going around in time, and just, sort of, doing it again?”

“Yeah, kinda like that.”

Neither fully understood what the other was talking about. It didn’t matter. After another pause the first carried on with his new, appealing idea.

“Yeah, time is like a line, or something. You could sort of move away from it and wait for the right bit to come beneath you, then drop back in.”

It began to rain, hard. Neither of them noticed.

“But how would you do that?” queried the second.

“I dunno.”

They both pondered amidst the pounding droplets. The first man realised that his beer bottle now actually contained some liquid and gulped it down.

“Perhaps you could, maybe, supposedly, like, possibly...um?”

“Hypothetically?” ventured the second speaker.

“Yeah, hypothetically, suppose you perhaps could leave the line by just jumping really high. Not by jumping up, but by going faster than the line was moving. That would mean you was no longer part of the line because it was going at a speed that didn’t change, or something?”

Completely baffled, the grey-eyed man discontinued staring across the ripples and gave his friend a drunken, surprised face. His friend, the first speaker, thought it an expression of wondrous realisation, and was encouraged.

“Yeah, so if I like, ran really fast, I could leave time.” The first man further explained his point by making an exaggerated running motion, tripping, hitting the floor, then pulling himself lazily upright, using the railings as a lever.

Still baffled, the second man took the effort to voice his opinion through more than just a facial expression.

“Pile of crap.”

“Yeah, probably.”

The rain began to thin, prompting one of the two to think for a moment.

“I’m freezing.”

“Me too.”

“I’m going home.”

“You don’t have a home.”

“Oh yeah. OK then, I’m going to your home.”

“Sure, whatever.”

Both staggering under the other’s weight, the two enebriates negotiated a hazardous, but relatively straight, course to the first man’s home.

Very cool. Slightly ambiguous, but in a good way. There weren't any typos that I could spot, so congrats on the technical part. As for the plot, it was interesting, the way the men were talking about time travel (with a very unique perspective, by the way, which was cool) but somehow I don't think it's really enough. That is, there really isn't a conflict. All it is is a conversation. But that isn't enough. Where is the conversation leading? What is its relevance to the overall story? By the end of the scene the two men have remained the same, and there hasn't been a change in state of mind or circumstances. Make something happen, because as of now there isn't a strong enough reason for the reader to go on to chapter two because you haven't established any goals or conflicts. And if you have, I'm sorry to say they aren't quite powerful enough.

-Tony

It began to rain, hard.

I don't know if that comma is really needed, unless you want to give it more impact, but I think the sentence following that does the job well enough.

The rain began to thin, prompting one of the second to think for a moment.

One of the second?

Anyway, I liked it. It's interesting what you could hypothecially believe when you're drunk... haha. It said chapter one at the top, but it seems more like a prologue than a first chapter to me. Either way, there must be more, right? It's a good start, but it certainly can't stand alone.

I am going to slaughter this, not because I hate you because I love your dialogue. Seriously. It's to the point and doesn't pull any punches. It just is and that's the beautiful part of it all. It reminds me of Hemingway... yes, I am comparing you with him. So you have all this lovely lovely beautiful dialogue and it's so gorgeous that it HAS to have beautiful narrative behind it that blends seamlessly with the lovely dialogue.

Did I mention that I loved the dialogue?

So with that said, let's continue with the critique. If I am brutal then please remember that this is done out of love and not hate.

Ofour wrote:Chapter 1


“So, it’s all gone wrong then.”

“Yep.”

If you haven't figured it out yet, I love these lines. It really hooks me because first of all, you have conflict. I mean, in the first sentence you have the word "wrong" in it and it's said so casually that it's obvious that there is no denying that there is conflict and the character is stuck with something very real that, in the course of the story, will probably have to be overcome. And, because of this, the reader (me!) emphasizes with the characters at once without any angst. And I love this because this brings me in the story at once without any hitch. This is excellent writing, and an excellent beginning to boot. You should be proud of it.

The second speaker dropped the single word into the chasm of silence beneath the bridge with puncturing finality.

...this is where Hemingway leaves you and the emo darkness takes over.

I mean, really. From the beginning, it's obvious that something has happened and something BIG has happened, so you really really didn't need to emphasize it anymore. But, if you want to have it absolutely clear that the word sounded final, you don't have to say it in an 18 word emo sentence. Instead, you can say, "His voice sounded final."

But please consider deleting the sentence! From your first two beautiful lines, you already convey the shortness of it all because of the shortness of the sentences. You don't have to make it flowery because it is beautiful without being flowery.

“’S’all gone.” He continued, after a pause.

Grammatically incorrect. It should be "'S'all gone," he continued, after a pause. Also, you may consider revising the dialect here... it's hard to understand this as it is now.

The two men, leaning casually over the railings, toyed drunkenly with empty beer bottles, taking a few imaginary swigs. One stared out with grey eyes over the gentle ripples as they reflected the thin moon onto their faces. The other dribbled deliberately over the lip of the bridge, watching his spit globules make tiny splashes in the water.

Consider the amount of adverbs and adjectives in these sentences. They clutter up the story and make it more tedious than it needs to be. Because I'm mean and cruel, etc., I'm going to take out all these adjectives and see what we're left with! If it's good, it'll stand on its own.

The men, leaning over the railings, toyed with bottles, taking swigs. One stared out with eyes over the ripples as they reflected the moon onto their faces. The other dribbled over the lip of the bridge, watching his spit globules make splashes in the water.

Hahaha... that was mean. It sounds really weird in some places, but better in other. For instance, I like the absence of "deliberately" and "gentle." Other describing words make me flinch... it's weird without the "beer" in it.

Taking out several adjectives and adverbs does nothing in the long run though besides making your writing cleaner.

Instead of telling us what is happening, it would be better to show us the images in a more poetic manner. For one, you might want to consider deleting some of the description. Why is it necessary to know that they're taking "imaginary swigs?" I mean, I already know that they're drunk. How much does this need to be emphasized?

What I would like to know is what the bridge they're on is over. A lake? A sea? A river? A stream? What? This will help me imagine the scene.

And why can't the guy spit in the river? Isn't that a much more simple way of describing it? O_o

“You could always, like, go back or something.” The first suggested, wrenching himself from the endlessly entertaining task of dropping balls of saliva into the river.

I love the dialogue, but the narrative is biased. Now you're bashing your character because he's spitting in the river. (Yay! It's a river! How big? Anything special about this river?) So what? He's spitting in the river. He's doing something that makes sense to him, which is fine. You don't have to make fun of him by using the words "wrenching," "endlessly," and "entertaining" to make it clear that you think what he's doing is stupid, in your opinion. We don't care about your opinion -- we care about your story. Don't get in the way of who your characters are and just make sure you portray them honestly.

“What? Going around in time, and just, sort of, doing it again?”

“Yeah, kinda like that.”

Neither fully understood what the other was talking about. It didn’t matter. After another pause the first carried on with his new, appealing idea.

“Yeah, time is like a line, or something. You could sort of move away from it and wait for the right bit to come beneath you, then drop back in.”

It began to rain, hard. Neither of them noticed.

“But how would you do that?” queried the second.

“I dunno.”

They both pondered amidst the pounding droplets. The first man realised that his beer bottle now actually contained some liquid and gulped it down.

“Perhaps you could, maybe, supposedly, like, possibly...um?”

“Hypothetically?” ventured the second speaker.

“Yeah, hypothetically, suppose you perhaps could leave the line by just jumping really high. Not by jumping up, but by going faster than the line was moving. That would mean you was no longer part of the line because it was going at a speed that didn’t change, or something?”

Now it's starting to sound like a story. Mind you, the dialogue doesn't make much sense, but they're drunk, so it's understandable.

Completely baffled, the grey-eyed man discontinued staring across the ripples and gave his friend a drunken, surprised face. His friend, the first speaker, thought it an expression of wondrous realisation, and was encouraged.

OMG. NO. DO NOT USE NEWSPEAK.

I mean, if you were George Orwell and writing for 1984, then I can see its place, but you are writing a short story that does NOT have any mention of Big Brother. So no.

He did not "discontinue" staring. He STOPPED.

*breathes in*

Okay, with that said, I would probably delete the adjective "drunken" so to make it leaner, since it's quite obvious he's drunk by now. And I would probably make the friend smile or something because he's said something good, just to involve more action in the story.

“Yeah, so if I like, ran really fast, I could leave time.” The first man further explained his point by making an exaggerated running motion, tripping, hitting the floor, then pulling himself lazily upright, using the railings as a lever.

Hmmm...

“Yeah, so if I like, ran really fast, I could leave time.” The first man [s]further explained his point by making[/s] smiled and made(?) an exaggerated running motion, tripping, hitting the floor, then pulling himself lazily upright, using the railings as a lever.

Maybe? In any case, you're very close to goobledygoop for the struck out part.

Still baffled, the second man took the effort to voice his opinion through more than just a facial expression.

Eh... I would probably have the second man just squint dubiously at the first man. You're showing off your bias too much here. Just write the story.

“Pile of crap.”

“Yeah, probably.”

The rain began to thin, prompting one of the two to think for a moment.

“I’m freezing.”

“Me too.”

“I’m going home.”

“You don’t have a home.”

“Oh yeah. OK then, I’m going to your home.”

“Sure, whatever.”

Um... just a comment. "OK" should be written as "Okay."

Both staggering under the other’s weight, the two enebriates negotiated a hazardous, but relatively straight, course to the first man’s home.

Enebriates? Come on. You've called them men for the whole story. Call them men again.

I must say, I was a little disappointed about the ending. Nothing seemed to happen. They were drunk, perhaps too drunk to do anything special, which is understandable, but there really seems no point to it. And I know, it's a first chapter and therefore you can't connect all the ideas with everything you laid out for the ending, but even a little conclusion would be lovely.

Try to do something circular. You start off with a conflict which, though unknown, is something that grips the reader straight off. Then go easily into it, like you have and, at the ending, reveal something that hints of the beginning conflict more so as to keep the reader's interest alive and make the reader ready for the next chapter. Because at the moment, it just dies. You need more conflict to hold it through. Pretend that this is a short story (because Chapter 1 really has to be more of a short story than anything to hook the reader in.) Make sure that there's a conclusion.

Anyway, love the dialogue, the story certainly appears interesting, and I hope this helps!